Alex Fayle on Someday Syndrome in Women Over Forty

Alex Fayle is on a mission to eradicate the word Someday from everyone’s vocabulary. He is author of the Someday My Ship Will Come In workbook, and a Someday-Busting Coach.

I asked Alex to share his thoughts on how Someday Syndrome affects women over forty.

Both men and women harbour ‘Somedays’, but do you find that the reasons for clinging to Somedays are different between men and women? And if so, what are those differences?

Many women experience Someday Syndrome because of their commitments to others. They put their family before themselves. While I’ve spoken with many men who do not move forward because of the actions (or inactions) of others, women experience this pressure differently.

 Women don’t really think about what they want, or they think that what they want is less important. I’ve heard words like “not allowed” or “won’t let me” – and not just in a sexist denial-of-permission kind of way, but in things like “having to drive my children to their various activities won’t let me accomplish my own things.”

Amongst your female clients, and blog participants, what are the Someday struggles unique to the Forty Plus crowd?

Basically Somedays come to the surface and really make themselves felt whenever there’s a change in our environments. The external changes force people to turn off the autopilot and take stock of their lives.

This especially is a challenge for empty-nesters. When children leave home, suddenly a woman’s main priority changes – there aren’t a bunch of beings relying on her to take care of them anymore. Even women who have external careers and share parenting equally with their spouses will experiencing this more strongly then men – women are generally socialized to focus more on their children than on themselves. The removal of that focus can cause quite an upheaval in a woman’s life.

A lot of women in their 40s and 50s are balancing parenting, careers, and potentially elder care. What one piece of advice do you have to ensure they meet their own needs amongst all this giving?

Create boundaries between family and yourself, so that you can pursue your own interests. Take 30 minutes each day where no one interrupts you and find a place either in the house or outside (like a café) where no one else in the family will be.

You might have a million ideas of things you want to do, but don’t start any of them right away. Take a few weeks to ease into the new uninterrupted time and make sure it sticks. Let the family know that someone needs to be dying for them to interrupt you.

In this buildup period, don’t actually pursue your interest. Instead spend the time preparing your space. You might want to declutter your space, set up a private workspace, or if you go out to a café, just read or stare at the walls. Just enjoy the me-time without any pressure.

 Once everyone is used to you being alone for a bit each day and you’re not feeling guilty for taking it, now you can start pursuing your own interests, whatever they might be. And if you don’t know, this would be the point where you start some serious thought on what your Somedays are and how you might get rid of them.

Suggested Reading:

You can get more great advice on how to bust through your Somedays at Alex’s blogsite Someday Syndrome.

Please read my review on Alex’s great workbook Someday My Ship Will Come In. I am pleased to offer Alex’s book as an affliate marketer. It is available by clicking the Stop Waiting Start Living button under Silver & Grace Recommendations.

Your turn:

• Do you find you are putting your own dreams, hopes, and desires on hold while you take care of everyone else?
• Have you established the boundaries that Alex suggests, or do you need to start putting some in place?