Book review: Going Gray
I purchased Anne Kreamer’s book Going Gray, because I couldn’t believe that going gray was worth an entire book. In my transition from dyed hair to natural silver, I wrote a couple of fun posts, but a whole book? I was intrigued.
The sub-title was the clincher for me: How To Embrace Your Authentic Self With Grace And Style. Authenticity, grace, and style. Key words in the Silver & Grace philosophy.
Boy, am I glad I purchased this book! It is a funny and honest account of the psychological and emotional challenges that Ms Kreamer faced in her own graying process. But I was pleasantly surprised to discover the book is also an intelligent and in depth look at societal views on aging. Or rather anti-aging. And, why we fight so hard to appear youthful, be that by colouring our hair, surgically manipulating our bodies, or simply dressing like a twenty year old.
Deciding to go gray
The first chapter of the book describes why Ms. Kreamer decided to stop colouring her hair. I nodded knowingly from paragraph to paragraph. Her experiences were my experiences. From women who got outright upset at the idea, to the opposite extreme of going gray evangelists. It seems there is no middle ground when it comes to the concept of going gray.
Well, except from men. Her husband’s response to whether she should stop colouring her hair was benign “Sure, why not?”
When did all this colouring business start?
Ms. Kreamer then discusses the history of colouring and its link to our concept of aging. In 1950, 10 percent of American women coloured their hair. Now, the percentage is closer to 75 percent. The big business impact on our perception of hair colour and aging is outright scary. Think Clairol’s Does she … or doesn’t she? campaign.
Extreme investigation
While I blogged about my graying process a couple of times, Ms. Kreamer decided to take the analysis to extreme lengths.
First she created a survey with fascinating results. It turns out that gray hair does not make us look older than our real age, as is a common fear. It just makes it easier for people to judge our true age. Of course, this in itself is something people are afraid of with that whole “29 and holding” response to being asked how old you are.
(By the way, I was born in 1963 and not afraid to tell anyone that.)
But it’s when Ms. Kreamer uses herself as a guinea pig in her research that the story gets extremely humourous. Let’s just say, it takes a very secure husband to stand by and watch his wife sign up for online dating, and go cruising at bars. All in the name of investigative analysis.
Thought provoking
Whether you are gray, colour your hair and have no desire to stop, or are trying to figure out if you want to stop colouring, this book is a fantastic read. By talking about her decision to go gray, Ms. Kreamer is really addressing the fears we have of appearing our age, or horrors, even older than our age. As well as, the external forces which mold our thinking causing society to go from hardly anyone colouring their hair, to most women colouring their hair.
And in the process, Ms. Kreamer debunks a lot of myths on how we gray haired women are perceived. Basically, the only one who thinks we will be perceived differently, or held back, is ourselves.
But then again, we women are pretty famous for imposing limitations on ourselves, aren’t we? Time we learned to embrace our authentic selves with grace and style.
Personally, I never had an issue with going grey. However, I did have to start dying my hair shortly after my kids were born as everything that wasn’t grey got really dark. Instead of dying the grey to match the dark hair which would have made my skin look pasty white, I lightened the dark stuff to make less of a contrast with the big grey patch of hair running right across the top of my head (can you say skunk?).
Anyway, now that my hair has evened out (i.e. become more grey) I don’t dye it at all – well maybe once in the deep winter when my hair is darker & my skin has lost it’s tan I’ll give it a “little rinse” to lighten it up. I can’t wait until I’m more grey and I don’t have to bother.
@Canadian Army Wife – I had an excellent hairdresser who wove several lighter colours into my hair as I was letting the grey grow in. Each visit he would weave less and less in. It worked wonderfully. I think it’s important to work with a really good hairdresser over the transition period. It keeps you from caving in and dying it all again.
Hi,
Thanks for telling us about this book — I’m definitely going to read it.
My gray hairs began showing by the time I became a mom at age 35 and my husband asked me to color my hair then. I’ve continued ever since, but really really really want to stop now. Perhaps there will be some “ammo” in there I can use to convince him that gray won’t make me look older.
Thanks for the recommendation, Eliza.
@Linda – hold out on buying the book for a couple of weeks. I am having a contest to give away my copy. You might be the lucky winner!
Interesting that your husband asked you to colour your hair. I am not reflecting on him personally, but the general concensus amongst men is that they don’t care. Do they really not care? Or when asked do they say they don’t care?
I was a white blond as a small child, then by the time I went to high school it was black with little bits of gray here and there. At age 40, when I was seriously job hunting again, I reverse frosted my hair – added the dark back in and I started getting interviews after a year of no interviews. Employers were not afraid to say in those days -”you are older than we were looking for with this position.”
My hair still is a bit of mousie brown in it and is now going nearly pure white (my brother and mother have extremely stunning silver hair) My biggest problem now is when I should get a wig as I am getting extremely thin on top and it shows – especially in my UK pictures.
I have always had gray hair it seems….I feel beautiful and powerful….and unique….at 60 and so heavy I do not like the way I am treated, but I do not dye my hair.
Thanks, Eliza, I will wait to buy the book until after your contest.
I believe Jeff is an anomaly amongst men. He is extremely particular about my hair — I’ve never met any male like him in that regard (or that would admit it). He is extremely observant overall for a male, and I think it may be due to his artist training and work.
He really asks nothing of me except to wear my hair the way he prefers it (I’ll have bangs til I’m 90!) and not to wear my skirts too long. If that’s all he asks (in terms of my physical appearance) I can deal with that!! Especially when he tells me I still have the body of a 19 year old. LOL I always reply, “Yea right — in clothes!”
@Linda – I think that is quite normal in relationships having some things you really insist on, even aspects of physical appearance. Mr Very Right asked me if he could shave his hair super short. “NO!” was my response. He has gorgeous thick waves. And he has made it very clear he likes me trim and in shape. But then again, so do I! And if your Hubby is comparing your body to a 19 year old, I say “Rock on!” *grin*