Countering reduced libido and getting back that sizzle
I listen to women of my mother’s generation saying they were happy to reach menopause, because they could stop having sex. Trust me, this is a mind set I really can’t wrap my mind around.
I love sex. Plain and simple.
And given the fact that Mr. Very Right is one very hot Frenchman, I plan on enjoying physical intimacy for a very long time.
Lately, however, my body has been betraying me. My mind wants sex as often as I’ve always enjoyed it. But the message isn’t reaching ‘down there’.
It all works out in the end, but it’s just not the same. The fireworks are missing, if you know what I mean.
Turns out, it’s a combination of my current lifestyle and my changing body. But now that I know that, I’m making changes to get the sizzle back in bedroom.
What happened to our desire?
There are physical, mental and emotional reasons for our libido dropping at this stage of our life:
- Our hormones are out of whack. Testosterone is dropping, and our estrogen and progesterone production is all over the map.
- We’re tired. In my case, I am trying to develop a business while still working full time at my 9 to 5-er. Other women are right in the middle of the sandwich generation.
- We’re struggling with changes. Changes in our body, affecting our self-image. Changes in our lifestyles, such as empty nests or mid-life career crisis.
Why is sex such a pain?
Changes in estrogen and progesterone levels are causing our vaginal lining to thin. We become susceptible to tears, we are less pliant, and our nerve endings are more sensitive.
As well, our blood circulation to our nether regions isn’t what it used to be. This means we are not creating the same level of natural lubrication.
Are we doomed to twin beds?
The good news is that while sexual activity decreases after 55, our desire and enjoyment does not. However, experiencing brief periods of lower libido is normal during perimenopause and menopause.
There are steps we can take to rev up the heat again:
- Slow life down a bit and make sure you take time for yourself. Recharge your batteries
- Engage in foreplay! More of it. And remember, it’s not just your testosterone levels that are dropping. Your partner can benefit from more play as well.
- Use lubricants. Just be careful not to use lubricants that damage condoms. And petroleum-based lubricants can promote infections.
- Change it up in the bedroom. Talk to your partner about positions that work better for you.
- Have lots of sex! This increases the blood circulation to vital parts and increases natural lubrication.
- And of course, lead a healthy lifestyle of proper diet and plenty of exercise, in order to keep your hormones balanced.
You should also avoid the following ‘fire dowsers’:
- Alcohol. One glass of wine to set the romantic mood is okay. But as Shakespeare explains in Macbeth, alcohol ‘provokes the desire and takes away the performance.’
- Heavy meals. All the blood has rushed to your belly to aid in digestion, leaving little for the private parts.
- Prescription drugs. Anti-depressants, blood pressure pills and sleeping pills are known libido quenchers.
- Tobacco. Nicotine and other tobacco ingredients constrict blood vessels, leading to poor blood circulation, leading to lack of natural lubrication.
Are we really supposed to talk about this stuff?
Yes! Especially with your doctor. He or she has heard it all. And it is important to rule out physical causes for your decreased libido, such as unbalanced hormones or other medical conditions such as diabetes.
This period of our life is a roller coaster ride. And our libido is along for that ride. But just because it’s in a dip, doesn’t mean it’s never going back up again.
At this point in our lives we have the opportunity to really come into our own as sexual and sensual creatures. We just might need to make some changes to keep the fire going in the bedroom. But hey, I for one think those changes are well worth it.
Your turn:
- As we become more open about menopause, do you think we are becoming more open about our sexual desires?
- I know a poor diet really puts out my flame. What’s your biggest fire dowser?
Suggested reading:
Menopause and sexual drive
Sex and menopause
Menopause Symptoms: Loss of Female Libido
Great products here to help with the loss of libido. There are also some great articles on the site. I quite like the products as they are of high quality. They are pricey but worth it!
http://www.womynsware.com
@A nauty mous – now this is a whole other post in the making
Seriously though, thank you for sharing this link. I have a favourite store here in town, so haven’t shopped online yet. Will certainly check out the products on this site and compare prices.
Thanks for bringing up this “touchy” subject…growing up in an east coast conservative RC family you can imagine that this topic would not be one discussed at the dinner table…ever.
However in my 40′s I have found my sexual voice and am looking for answers, I might be 44 but I am not dead.
Fire Dowsers…our 13 yr old awake in the next room, WAHM burnout…i am really feeling it right now, lack of communication.
Again thanks for opening the dialogue.
@Elaine – funny how a women’s sexual appetite is a taboo topic, but men get to shout it to the world. I find communication is a key one. Not so much about what works, in my case, but about deliberately making time for each other.
I had to stop for a minute and ask, “Who’s Eliza?” Then I remembered that UrbanPanther is an alias.
I was happy when menopause came 12 years ago so I could finally be rid of 35 years of pain, mood swings and inconvenience from monthly periods. I’ve never really understood what all the fuss is about. Even when I was young. It’s not something I’d give up a good movie for or get off the computer for. I must not be having the same experience as men are having. Some of them are wiling to risk marriage, family and career for it. To me, it’s about as exciting as drinking a glass of lemonade.
As Rosanne Barr once said about sex, “I have things to do!” Same here. It’s pleasant, but I’m not giving up a lot of my time for it. “Anti-depressants, blood pressure pills and sleeping pills are known libido quenchers…” and I must take all three daily.
@Dot – and to which I reply ‘to each her own’.
I am sure women, and yes even men, have a range of interest in sex. And that is certainly normal and perfectly okay. But for those of us who really enjoy it, we can take steps to minimize the impact of perimenopause and menopause on our desires.
I love sex too! The biggest fire dowser for me is to be in the wrong relationship. I ended one at the beginning of this year and now the fire is back. Yep… 9 months with fire and NO partner. Menopause? It’s a piece of cake compared to THAT
@Davina – oh, been there down that. You feel all sexy and revved up and no one around to share the joy with LOL Wrong relationship? HUGE fire dowser. Also been there done that.
Fire dowser — mom with Alzheimer’s living with us.
Helpful flame fanners: Kegel exercises, exercises that move the hips a lot, and the right music to set the mood and then pump up the mood.
@Lori – I love dancing to Shakira. I don’t know how to ‘officially’ belly dance, but man is her music sensual and energetic. Really gets the mojo going. And yes, I can well imagine that full time elder care is drain emotionally and physically. I would think it’s very important to deliberately schedule ‘date nights’. And I don’t necessarily mean for romantic interludes. I mean time to really connect one-on-one. I find even just with the normal flow of life Mr Very Right and I can forget to take the time to just BE with each other. Fortunately, one or the other of us speaks up and says “Hey! Time for us!”