Dating after 40 really isn’t that bad
One of the reasons I stayed in a bad relationship for so long was a fear of having to date. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But this fear of dating was actually a symptom of deeper fears. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being found desirable. Fear of meeting Mr Wrong, yet again.
However, once I did start to date, I found it quite fun. And in the end, I met Mr Right. Mr Very Right as a matter of fact.
But how do you meet people?
Chances are, if you were in a long term relationship, your social circle consists mainly of couples. It is important to maintain these friendships, but you need to expand your contacts by:
- joining a club – you are automatically surrounded by people with the same interests;
- tell your friends you are dating – friends love to play match-maker, and it’s less intimidating to meet people in a group setting;
- online dating – I met Mr Very Right through Online Dating, but you do need to be conscious of the anonymity of cyberspace.
Is he really going to be interested in someone my age?
Yes, your middle has spread, your breasts have sagged, and you have wrinkles. But take a look at men your age. They have their own bulging tummy, and are likely missing some, or alot, of hair. And if he doesn’t find self-confidence sexy, you don’t want him anyway.
How is dating different after forty?
Life experience! You have been there, done that. You know what works for you and what doesn’t. At nineteen, you were trying to figure it out. Now you know that 24/7 football watching does not work for you, and you just aren’t going there again.
Are there things I definitely should not do?
Oh yes, there certainly are. They are:
- dating too soon – take time for yourself. Whether you are widowed or single due to a break up, you need to grieve. You need to feel right with the world, before you go out into it;
- mistaking chemical attraction for a match made in Heaven – we all need that validation, especially in the beginning. But once that initial rush is over, it’s his values that make him Mr. Right;
- dating to avoid being alone – this will definitely cloud your vision. You really need to be completely comfortable with yourself. Go ahead and start dating, but don’t make any long term committments.
How should I approach dating?
Basically, you are comparison shopping. Sounds funny, but if you have been with the same person for a long time, you got used to the features he came with. You need to meet a lot of different men, and figure out which features now work for you, and which don’t. You do this by:
- asking questions and listening to his responses – do you like what he has to say, and how he says it? Do his values appear to match yours?;
- observing him – we can write great things about ourselves, especially in short little online chats. But body language and how someone interacts with the world around him speaks volumes as to who he really is;
- listen to your gut – if your gut tells you something isn’t right, don’t even question it. Move on. Life is too short. And you have probably figured out by now that you can’t change who someone is at their core;
- have fun – dating is an adventure. You are meeting new people, and experiencing new things. If it stops being fun, quit for awhile. I stopped dating for a bit, because it was becoming a chore. I just put my energy elsewhere during that break.
What is the most important thing to do when dating?
Create a list of your ideal man. Not that he has to be over six feet tall, and have black hair. The important things, like he has to enjoy outdoor physical activities, or he must have a good relationship with his siblings.
It may take you awhile to figure out what to put on that list, but literally write it down. And refer to it. This will help you from ‘settling’ for Mr. Wrong, or Mr. Not Quite Right. It will also help you recognize Mr Right, or even better, Mr Very Right, when he appears.
While I took my dating break, I wrote a detailed Wish List. Two weeks later, I met Mr. Very Right. And I recognized him the first time I laid eyes on him. He met every item on my list, plus the two bonus items I had on there.
Dating after forty still has all the unknowns that existed when you were dating as a young thing. But this time around you know who you are, and exactly who you want in your life.
Suggested Reading:
Dating After 40: How to Overcome the “I’m Too Old to Date” Syndrome
Looking for love after 40
Dating after divorce
Your turn:
- Do you have any dating lessons to share?
- What do you do to get out there and meet new people?
This is great advice for women of any age!
Canadian Army Wife’s last blog post..Tim Hortons Supports the Troops
Hi Eliza,
I’m so glad you found Mr Right. And Canadian Army Wife is right about this being good advice for younger folks, too!
I like this, “You know what works for you and what doesn’t.” I would think olding on to that would be very important so it doesn’t get lost in the emotions.
Lori Hoeck’s last blog post..Three ways a narcissist can take control
You are so right — dating after 40 can be an adventure! So much so, that when I started my blog 4 years ago after my husband of 20 years left, I called it Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40! That has now morphed into 13 books on the topic.
Keep up your encouragement to women who are concerned about dating after 40.
Dating Goddess
http://www.DatingGoddess.com
Dating Goddess’s last blog post..Musician hits sour note
Hi Eliza,
Great topic! Fabulous advice!
I’ve also heard we can tell how a man will treat us by the way he treats the other women in his life – mother and/or sisters. If he doesn’t show them respect, chances are, he won’t show us respect either. From what I’ve observed, this appears to hold true.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..Our Target Audience – Aiming For The Bulls Eye
I think if a woman is even remotely attractive, all she has to do is show up in a room, stand there and BREATHE. Single guys will sense she’s available and flock to her like flies on sugar.
Seriously. What’s the window of a single woman’s availability? Between the time she’s just getting over the break-up/divorce, to the time she’s in another long-term relationship?
Weeks. A few months, tops.
Not being facetious. I know friends who’s divorce papers aren’t even official yet, and they’re already hooked up with someone else.
Not that I’m judging. But holy crap….if people pair up THAT quickly…never mind about 40-something women trying to find dates…what about us 40-something single GUYS?
Friar’s last blog post..If Households Were Run The Way Large Corporations Are…
@Friar – oh, I absolutely agree that all a woman has to do is show up. The problem is, the guys flocking to her, may not be the one she wants. So, she may hook up in weeks, or a few months, but then how long does that one last?
Interesting, I wonder what the average time is between a woman becoming single, to becoming hooked up again? It was a year for me, but I know women who have been single for over 7 years.
I do believe it is harder for the guys. After all, primally it is the female who decides on her mate, no matter how much the male struts around banging his chest.
@Barbara – oh, my first two relationships were shining examples of this. Relationship 1: Mom was expected to stay at home, and take care of the kids, even after they became adults. He was nice to his mom, but she was definitely there to take care of everyone. Therefore, I was expected to stay at home, and totally run the household. So not me. Relationship 2: he was downright abusive to his mother. All I can say is, what was I thinking?
Actually, let me correct that. All three of my relationships are shining examples of observing how the man treats his mother. Because … Mr Very Right treats his mother with the utmost respect, and totally enjoys her company. And this is exactly how he treats me.
@Dating Goddess – I hopped over to your blog and found it very refreshing. The ‘all men are jerks’ and ‘all men are just looking for sex’ mentality really needs to be turned around to find the lessons in our experiences. I loved dating. It was fun, and yes, I met some jerks, and yes I met some who were just looking for sex (which is fine with me, as long as that expectation is stated up front), but I met a lot of really nice men who simply were not the right guy for me. (Although I am no longer dating, having found Mr Very Right, I have subscribed to your blog. a) because I might have some insights to share and b) to, as you say, provide encouragement to women who are dating after 40.
@Lori – it takes time to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t, and so many of us don’t allow ourselves that precious time. As well, even though we know what is right (as in your post on intuition) we second guess ourselves for a variety of reasons. Generally out of fear and insecurity.
@Canadian Army Wife – yes, it certainly is. But how many 20-something women really know themselves well enough to know who they want in their lives? Some do, for sure, but I certainly didn’t. I met my husband (father of my 3 beautiful kids) when I was 19. I was just a baby myself! Then, I then entered my next relationship at 28. Still got it wrong.
I am trying to get my 30 year old to date – she tried an online service and got one nice friend from it – I know she would like to date – but she holds back – I see all the men turning their heads and taking a double take…wish I knew a “match making” book to give her…She has never even been asked to be a bridesmaid at her friends weddings – and she is invited to lots of wedding in her 30 years….after all the years in school studying it’s hard to turn on the switch that one has been ignoring – maybe this is part of the trouble for women who are divorcing too?
Patricia’s last blog post..Understanding Agenda For a New Economy ~ David Korten
@Patricia – everyone in their own good time, I believe. My middle daughter didn’t seriously date until she was almost done university. She was focused on school work. And I know women who are perfectly happy being single, but their pet peeve is people who try to match them up with someone.
Interesting how moms want their daughters associated with a man. I am guilty of that, for sure. I wanted my middle daughter to find a boyfriend, thinking that would make her happy, and then I could relax. Why do we do that? Why can’t be just let our daughters find their own way with love and life?
@Eliza – True, not many young women know themselves well enough so I think the moral of the story is: get to know yourself FIRST, then get to know a man. If you show a man that you’re one sort of thing, then half way through you change (grow?) that really isn’t fair from the man’s point of view. Men marry women hoping they won’t change, women marry men hoping they will change.
Canadian Army Wife’s last blog post..End of Deployment
@Canadian Army Wife – “men marry women hoping they won’t change”. This is very interesting. I entered my second long term relationship when I was 28, and it last 16 years. And throughout that period, everytime I moved forward and grew, he would get furious because I “lied to him” about myself. I could never understand what he meant. I hadn’t lied about anything; I simply evolved. But in his mind, I hidden who I truly was from him, and I had somehow bamboozled him. Of course, in strong relationships, both people in each encourage and support growth.
I am perfectly happy for my daughter to be single, married, gay, whatever ( well, S&M would not happen!)
But I think she would love to experience a relationship before she decides what is best for her. I think hormones are playing games with her right now too – I just try to support what she wants to do.
My guy just spent part of my travel money for Scotland because he did not think why that money was in the savings account ….he forgot about my plans and efforts and we have no replacement funds/ it took me 20 years to save enough for this trip – in one week….I am so angry I would not recommend marriage to anyone today!
Patricia’s last blog post..Understanding Agenda For a New Economy ~ David Korten