Empty Nest Syndrome is very real
No one was more shocked than I was to discover I was experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome. However, when my last child left home, I went into a complete fog for two years.
I knew I would miss my daughter, but did not anticipate falling into the grief associated with an Empty Nest. After all, I was well established in my career, was physically active and healthy, and had several hobbies that I enjoyed alone and with friends.
Yet, when I came out the other side, I realized that having children in the home provided structure and companionship. And, sadly in my case, they provided a diversion from having to examine an unhealthy relationship with my partner.
Is some sadness normal?
• Yes, it is normal to feel some sadness and loss when the last child leaves home.
So, what isn’t normal?
• To feel a loss of identify and drop in self esteem.
• To cry excessively
• To suffer profound sadness
How do I get beyond Empty Nest Syndrome?
• Transition your relationship with your child to more of a friendship and mentorship
• Write a list of what activities you have been putting off, and start actioning them
• Talk to friends and family members who have also experience Empty Nest Syndrome
What if I find I no longer have anything in common with my spouse or partner?
• Honestly examine the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship
• Seek couples counselling
• Acknowledge that the relationship may no longer be right for either of you
Is there life after Empty Nest Syndrome?
You bet there is! For me, it meant leaving an unhealthy relationship, and finally discovering who I am really am. But I realize that’s an extreme result.
It can also mean
• A stronger and sexier relationship with your partner
• Time to explore new hobbies and career options
• Reduced utility bills
• More money for travel
• A new and exciting relationship with your children.
While that foggy feeling of Empty Nest Syndrome is not the least bit pleasant, remember that it is a temporary condition. While your child is off discovering a new independence and sense of freedom, now is the time to discover yours.
Suggested reading
Empty-nest syndrome
The Empty Nest Syndrome in Your Marriage
Psychology Today’s Diagnosis Dictionary: Empty Nest Syndrome
Your turn
• Have you experienced, or are in the middle experiencing, Empty Nest Syndrome?
• What tips can you share to help other people through this period of life?
• What are some of the advantages of all your children leaving the nest?
Hello there, Eliza,
Congratulations on your beautiful new site. I absolutely love what you’ve done thus far and your goals for where you want this site to go. I know it will be a hit.
The empty nest syndrome is definitely real, but what I found was, on a few occasions the “nest” wasn’t empty for long. For me, that was the hardest adjustment. When the kids left it was like you said. But when they need to move back home, what should the rules be – if any? Together we worked it out, however, some of the benefits of being an empty nester had to be temporarily put on hold.
Barbara Swafford’s last blog post..How To Capitalize On Your Blog Statistics
@Barbara – thank you. I am very excited about this new project. My daughter and her boyfriend moved back home for 6 weeks. It was pure joy because she had lived so far away for so long. However, you are absolutely right that some empty nest benefits were put on hold. I have an upcoming post on the Sandwich Generation which touches on kids moving back home, but it would make a good post unto itself. Perhaps you would like to tackle a post on this, based on your personal experiences, for my Graceful Women Series guest posts?
Eliza,
Congratulations on the launch of your new site! This concept is wonderful, and you are just the smart, graceful lady to lead it. I look forward to seeing where you go with this!
My nest isn’t empty… exactly. But as a divorced mother, the nest empties on a frequent basis for days, and then in summer, for weeks. And over the years I’ve come to accept it, but there is a bit of grieving with each temporary emptying of the nest. Extra sighs, a funky lost feeling on the longer visits… the whole nine yards, in mild but repeating format. Ay-yi.
Here’s hoping that recognizing the feelings and going with the flow of them now is going to help when the real thing comes.
Of course, she claims she’s never leaving…
… that could be a whole different issue.
Best of luck with Silver and Grace,
Kelly
Kelly’s last blog post..MCE Round Table: 6 Most Incredible Bloggers Who You’re Missing Out On
@Kelly – lots in store; stay tuned! Yes, I did the single mom with children away thing, and it was really hard. On the short aways, as in weekends, it would take me most of the weekend to get used to them being gone, and then they’d be back! The longer vacation periods were harder. And since some adult children aren’t leaving home until their late twenties, you might not have to worry about Empty Nest Syndrome anytime soon.
Hi Eliza,
Congratulations, kudos, and Woohoos for launching a new site. I like the concept, and as Kelly wrote, “you are just the smart, graceful lady to lead it.”
No kids, but as you know I have a handful with caregiving my mom, so the house, if not the nest, is quite full! I have no idea how the transition out of that will be, except that it will be very tough.
Lori Hoeck’s last blog post..How our intuition warns of danger
@Lori – I look forward to you participating in the posts on elder care, and your guest post sharing your experiences. The idea is to learn from each other. And thanks to you and Kelly for the wonderful compliment.
Nice new site and lovely post for launch.
I think I mixed empty nest with post menopausal zest…I am just on a roll of doing my own thing nearly 24/7 and loving life. I worry a bit that they will not get jobs and fully launched in this recession so they will be back for more funds, but I consciously worked towards independence, responsibility, and value orientated lifestyles and at being a guide not a attached mum. I believe it is starting to pay off and the rewards are great.
Patricia’s last blog post..Agenda for a New Economy: From Phantom Wealth to Real Wealth ~By David C. Korten
@Patricia – my empty nest occured before even perimenopause
My challenge was that I was left facing a very dead relationship, which was ultimately a good thing because here I am now loving life! The trick certainly is finding a balance of nuturing ourselves and still being involved in our children’s lives. And I like how you make reference to being a guide, not an attached mom. Once you get the hang of it, it’s actually quite freeing.
Yes it can be very freeing and lovely too….I thought I had lost my creativity to cancer and too much care giving with a special needs child …nope it just needed the time to emerge and that emergence has meant so much to me- life truly gets better every day.
Patricia’s last blog post..Agenda for a New Economy: From Phantom Wealth to Real Wealth ~By David C. Korten
Lovely new blog! My daughter is 16 and I find it really liberating that she is becoming more and more independant and that I can once again have a life of my own. It’s always just been the two of us, so I think it’s going to be a while before she moves out — 2 more years of high school, university, then?? She’s pretty comfortable living home, so it’s going to have to be a very sweet offer before she moves out on her own. I wouldn’t like to be far, far away from her, but I am sort of looking forward to having my own space again. Of course I’ll miss seeing her every day, too.
XUP’s last blog post..10 Best Things About Teenagers
@XUP – yes, I found it liberating too as my teenagers started to get lives. What I found surprising, however, was how much I structured my lives around their presence. So, once they were all gone, my structure fell completely apart! Mind you, all of mine flew the coop very early, so I didn’t have a chance to ease into my own structure. Sounds like you will have time to transition if she remains at home while going to university. As for missing my children everyday now, this hasn’t really happened because we are in contact daily through chat. Ah, the wonders of the internet!
Great site, Eliza. I had a kind of middle ground between kids and Empty Nest Syndrome, called divorce and joint cusody. So, I didn’t have my kids for part of the week, so I was able to get a little used to having an empty house before they all went off to college.
That helped. Even now, with my oldest daughter at 25, I still miss them everyday. But, I’m so proud of where they’re at.
The hardest part for me was that as they got into high school and just started college, even when they were at my house, they had lives of their own. Oh, I knew they needed those lives and I wanted them to have those lives, but I missed them and I felt very alone.
LisaNewton’s last blog post..Metro Monday’s Tour Maps
Hi Eliza. This is a brilliant idea. Congrats on the new launch. You must be excited! The empty nest syndrome is not be something I will experience as I’ve never had children. But, menopause? Well, that’s a different story — it’s kinda in the genes right? Was already underway for me at the tender young age of 44. My grandmother stopped overnight when she was forty. Since we are so much alike I’m not surprised. I look forward to reading more on Silver and Grade. Great name BTW.
Davina’s last blog post..Guest Post: Three Shades of Happiness
OMG typos!!! For one… I meant Silver and Grace, not Silver and Grade. Hate it when that happens.
Davina’s last blog post..Guest Post: Three Shades of Happiness
@Lisa – two of my children actually moved back and forth for long stretches of time between their dad and me. But, my middle one stayed with me. I got used to her consistent presence. Then there was a period of time when they all went off to ‘get lives’ and I didn’t see them much. It was tough. That is changing, and we have implemented Sunday Night Dinners, in which they make a concentrated effort to participate.
@Davina – thank you, yes, I am excited. I am 46 and no sign of even perimenopausal symptoms. But each woman is unique. If you have any specific topics you would like me to cover, please let me know.
Hi Eliza,
I Love this site, and I am just the target market for it too as I watch my second batch of kids go through their teen years. My first batch are now 27 and 32 and when I got here the first time, I chickened out as I saw empty nest syndrome coming down the road and started over!
Well….that option has been taken of the table…so to speak- so this time I will face my SILVER age with GRACE and dignity…(Pun intended and stolen with glee, Great name by the way!)
I look forward to a lot of fun here. Must say though loved your fiction, and could see how it could fit in and relate a lot to *our age* women. Do consider an occasional post!
Wendi Kelly-Life’s Little Inspirations’s last blog post..Stolen Moments.
@Wendi – WOOT to being part of my target audience! Starting again, to avoid empty nest, is one option
In a sense I have. Mr. Very Right has an 11 year old son who is with us every other day and every other weekend. That took some adjusting to after being on my own for several years. But it’s all good. I enjoy having him around. Sort of a transition period from the mom stage to the grandmother stage. I figure by the time he’s left the house, I should be a grandmother. And talk about the string of posts that should generate!
I have had a couple of requests to continue my fiction writing, so I will have to put thought to that. And it could tie in nicely to the topics on this site.
Hmm, now I feel a little guilty, I probably should have added that while I adore my exhausting second time round teens, that I would hardly call it an option for anyone looking for extra freetime or any rest. And about those grandkids? I have two…and my grandaughter and my daughter are only a few months apart. Woops!!! That plan backfired just a bit!! But they all get along well and I have a house full of family and love…if not any peace and quiet. I guess that time will come…um….in a few years. and that’s the wierd part. This has been the place where they ALL come. The open door house.What will it be when they don’t?
Wendi Kelly-Life’s Little Inspirations’s last blog post..Stolen Moments.
Yes the empty nest took me by surprise as well. I actually talked my husband into moving because I couldn’t stay in the house they no longer shared with me. The house was only a mile down the road but it represented my next phase for me…freedom!
Tess The Bold Life’s last blog post..Magic Monday Freebie with Steve Pavlina
@Wendi – Oh, I certainly wasn’t suggesting you were getting extra freetime or rest! LOL When I moved out on my own for a year, I had a little apartment downtown. It was constantly filled with young adults: my 3 children, their girlfriends/boyfriends, my niece and nephew and their associated dates. It was twenty-something party central. I just sat back and enjoyed their banter. I love a house full of multiple generations and tons of laughter. Now that I am with Mr Very Right we have started a tradition of Sunday Night Dinners. When grand-babies come along, I am looking forward to that next generation participating.
@Tess – smaller house so they couldn’t move back in? *grin* Actually, I think it makes sense to move at that point in life. Something fresh, and as you say, a new phase. What symptoms of empty nest syndrome did you experience? I had the whole bit … brain fog, depression, crying jags, loss of sense of self… you name it.
Hi, Eliza. So nice to know your name!
What a wonderful concept is Silver and Grace; thank you.
Empty nest syndrome is a foreign topic to me, never having had children, but I can speak to perimenopause/menopause (since it was raised in the comments). Mine came early, too, and I’m SO happy to say I’ve had no associated symptoms. None! My doctor and I attribute this to a very healthy plant-based diet with extremely little bad (for me) stuff like sodas and sweets and desserts and anything with gluten. No supplements, just lots of clean food. Hope that info helps others…
Julie’s last blog post..Creative, Creativ, Kreativ
@Julie – I look forward to you participating in the posts on the importance of eating properly! From what I have read so far, that goes a very long way to reducing, or completely preventing menopausal symptoms.
Hi there Eliza – a lovely name and design for your new blog! I think some accessible information about menopause would be a very good thing!
Robin’s last blog post..An Eventful Month
Hey, nice place – I like it a lot! The Men continue to amaze – I think this is perfect for you.
Wow, I’m surrounded by ladies… not necessarily a bad thing
Anyway, I am very happy for you and congrats on making this move. You are going to really shine here, just as you do at your other blog.
Good luck – I may not always comment (if I don’t have anything to say), but I’m always happy to read what my friends are up to.
(See, told you I don’t scare easily!)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..seemingly random thoughts on a rainy tuesday evening.
@Brett – yes, once again the Pen Men shone forth their brilliance! They captured exactly the feel I wanted for this site. And yes, you would certainly be surrounded by women here
In September, I’ll have an article on andropause, so it isn’t strictly all about the ladies. Also, I think it is very important for men to be informed not only on their own well being, but the well being of the women in their lives (be it sisters, moms, wives).
Robin – thank you. I hope I can provide one stop shopping on a variety of topics for women in our age group. And most importantly, a place to inform and support one another.
@Eliza,
Yes, I have heard of andropause and I’ll look forward to your piece on it.
I agree with you that it is very, very important for men to be well informed concerning the health of the women in their lives. My wife has PCOS (which is why we needed fertility assistance) and so as a result she does show some of the signs of menopause, but the onset was very early compared with what is “normal”.
Places such as your new blog are a wonderful way to share information and ideas, because as you may know, our medical professionals are not always on the cutting edge of knowledge – they may try, but there is just so much information out there that they cannot possibly keep up.
(My wife actually self-diagnosed her condition and pushed to have treatment.)
Brett Legree’s last blog post..seemingly random thoughts on a rainy tuesday evening.
@Brett – I hope your wife will participate in the discussions here.
Don’t count your empty-nest eggs too soon. Kids have a habit of boomeranging back…even well into their 40′s.
Between lay-offs, a failed marriage, or just needing a place till the new house is ready, my two siblings and I have come back to Mom and Dad’s on at least Four separate occasions in the past 10 years. And some of the stays were quite lengthy (> 6 months).
You’re not off the hook, just YET.
@Eliza,
I will point her in this direction – she’s not participated much if at all in the blog world but maybe she’d find a place here.
Brett Legree’s last blog post..seemingly random thoughts on a rainy tuesday evening.
….PS.
So I guess we call you “Eliza” now..and not “Panther”….(?)
I’m SO confused.
Friar’s last blog post..Lame-Ass Things They Tried To Get Us To Like as Kids.
@Friar – yes, I’ve had several people comment on this boomerang situation, so it warrants a post. You’ll be able to give the adult child moving back home perspective. My eldest did move back in, but just for 6 weeks. I really enjoyed it. 6 months? I don’t know. I think there would have to be some very clear expectations laid out by everyone concerned.
@Friar – yes, I’ve morphed.
Hi Eliza,
Best wishes on your new and beautiful blog. I, too, am part of your target audience and have just subscribed.
I *thought* I had gone through empty nest syndrome when our son left for college in the Fall of 07, but now I’m not so sure. I was busy caregiving my mom, and now that she passed away in May, I have this intuition that it’s just beginning. I’ve been a big mess of emotions and tears since then, but will sort it out I’m sure. I know I have to give my self time to process these huge changes in my life.
I think Silver and Grace will be a helpful resource.
Funny, you look a lot like Urban Panther.
Linda Abbit’s last blog post..To Mom With Love on Your 100th Birthday
@Linda – hurray! Glad to have you participating. Very sorry to hear about your mother. That’s an interesting point though, that we go through a loss when our children leave, but then chances are we soon have to experience another more permanent loss when our parents die. And when you have filled a lot of your time as a busy caregiver of your parent, there is an even larger void to fill. And yes, odd how I look like the Panther, eh?