Enhancing the mother and daughter relationship

I am saddened to hear of daughters estranged from their mothers. The mother/daughter relationship is a unique bond, which can bring a lot of joy. However, it can bring pain as well, so, I can certainly understand the potential for estrangement.

My mother and I have a very different relationship, than the one I share with my daughters. My mother and I rarely talk on the phone, email each other once per week, and see each other a couple of times per year. This works just fine for us. Compare this to weekly, if not daily, chats with my daughters either online or by phone, and visits several times per month. And this works equally as well.

My mother and I never directly addressed issues, but at this point in our lives we accept each other as strong, beautiful women. My daughters, on the other hand, take me to task on every issue that arises. And through that process we are coming to know each other as strong beautiful women.

But what if that bond just isn’t there? Hopefully, with acceptance and communication all mothers and daughters can work towards a healthy relationship, respecting each other’s strengths.

What makes the Mother/Daughter relationship unique?

I know my relationship with my son is certainly different than with my daughters. His response to anything he perceives as hurtful is to roll his eyes, and at the very worst, grunt and hang up the phone. I, in turn, roll my eyes, mutter something about the male species, and carry on.

My daughters? Complete and utter devastation on their part, followed with tears, and a cry of “how can I misunderstand them so?” Followed with me in tears, convinced they’ll never talk to me again.

All this to say, for some reason, mothers are perceived by their daughters as controlling and critical. Mothers, in turn, only hear their daughters’ anger.

Moms, where do you go wrong?

After a quarter of a century of being a mom, I have probably made every mistake there is. Some of these are:

• living vicariously through your daughter, hoping she will achieve what you weren’t able to achieve for yourself;
• trying to protect her from repeating mistakes you made;
• criticizing her from little things like the length of her hair, to big things like her choice in men;
• blurring the line between being her friend and being her parent.

Daughters, where do you go wrong?

Again, been there done that as a daughter, and watched my daughters make some of these mistakes:

• trying to live up to your mother’s expectations;
• not understanding the societal demands, or life circumstances that frame your mother’s decisions and choices;
• comparing yourself to your mother’s achievements and talents, deciding you aren’t as good as her.

Moms, how do you make the relationship with your daughters strong and successful?

I know that my largest struggle is slipping from the realm of parent into friend. Most of the time this works fine, but push come to shove, my daughters want a parent, not another friend. It is important to keep this line drawn in the sand. As well:

• listen and empathize, but don’t give advice;
• ask questions to help your daughter figure out what she wants to do;
• let your daughter make mistakes, and sort through tough situations;
• take good care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually, giving your daughter positive messages about womanhood;
• make sure your daughter knows how proud you are, offering encouragement and support;
• be honest about mistakes you’ve made, apologize, and make changes so as not to repeat them.

Daughters, how do you make the relationship with your mom strong and successful?

My mother grew up in a very different era than me. Women got married, stayed at home and raised their families. Leaving a bad relationship was rare. Figuring out what helped shaped my mother into who she is went along way to me understanding her decisions. And, asking me why I made the life decisions I did when they were growing up, helped my daughters immensely. You can also:

• shift the relationship pattern from little girl to independent adult;
• pay attention to the intention of your mother’s choices;
• figure out what your ideal relationship with your mother looks like, and take actions to create that;
• value your mother’s opinions, but make it clear that the decisions will be made by you alone.

Ladies, what can you both do to make your relationship strong and successful?

As in any relationship, it takes two:

• break old patterns of communication;
• start mother/daughter traditions;
• focus on the positive in the relationship;
• take a break from each other, then come back refreshed;
• consider family therapy for deep rooted problems.

I know my relationship with my mother will change as she ages, and I take over more of the role of family matriarch. I will make sure my mother knows that even though she is no longer physically capable of certain things, her participation and input is greatly valued.

I also enjoy watching my daughters become stronger and more independent, and I try to give them the space they need to do that. One day, they may become mothers themselves, and our relationship will evolve even more. And hopefully the bond we share will perpetuate itself in the bond they form with their own daughters.

Suggested reading:

Mother Dauther Relationships
Mending mother-daughter relationships
Improving mother-daughter relationships

Your turn:

• If you have mended broken fences, either as a mother or a daughter, what helped you do that?
• Is your relationship with your daughter(s) different than your relationship with your mother?