Graceful Women: Love after 40 … and beyond!
I met Chris Zydel through Twitter. Not sure exactly how, but I think I made some comment about how wonderful Mr. Very Right is, and she piped right in. You see, Chris and I have very similar stories in that we both found deep and profound love after 40.
Chris is a talented artist and author of Creative Juices Arts. And here is how she came to find love after 40:
When I was way younger I remember reading an article that said that if a woman reached the age of 40 still unmarried she was more likely to get hit by lightning or a train or maybe a meteor than she was to ever tie the knot. The window of opportunity had slammed shut or was maybe crushed shut by that fiery ball of magma hurtling through the sky.
And so when I found myself single at the ripe old age of 42 I was internally preparing myself for a life alone.
My life was good. I had meaningful work that I loved . I was surrounded by a strong support network of fabulous women. I had good and solid bonds with my family.
But I wanted a husband. A mate. A bone deep, rock solid, till death do we part connection. I wanted to share my life with someone who I could love, honor and cherish till the end of my days.
My track record up to that point had not been great. I had been in long term relationships , but the reason that I WASN’T married was that the guys I had been involved with were not great choices.
They weren’t bad people. They were just a tad emotionally unavailable. And of course I kept choosing them ..
At age 42 I had some hard choices to make. I could find me another guy to meet my lowly expectations regarding love. I could also believe the prevailing mythology and just give up.
The first thing I did was get back in therapy and start looking at my beliefs. I rounded up the usual suspect, my dear old dad. I saw that my love for him did not have to include staying loyal to his dysfunctional patterns .
And then the miracle happened. Although it took me a while to see that it had arrived. The man who is now my husband had been in my life but he was invisible to me because he did not fit the old mold. At all.
He was all wrong on so many levels. He was blonde and lanky where I had always gone for the burly brunettes. He was sensitive and on the quiet side where I had been attracted to the boisterous “look at me” show stealers. He’d been in therapy. He was unhampered by serious emotional issues .He was capable of and deeply wanted commitment. He TOTALLY adored me.
Like I said. He was all wrong.
And he was 13 years YOUNGER than me, which was my excuse for me to keep him at bay.
One day he said ” I really don’t understand why we can’t be romantically involved.” I was so taken aback by his directness that it shocked me out of the last vestiges of my family loyalty stupor. I slowly awakened to the dawning realization that maybe the fact that he was “all wrong” was exactly what made him perfect for me.
I just turned 57 and have now been happily married to my lanky blonde for over 15 years. We have a partnership of equals. We bring out the best in each other. We have both grown and accomplished more in our lives together than we could have ever dreamed of doing alone. He is my lover, my collaborator in a life well lived, my best and closest friend.
If you are a woman who has come to the middle of her life with that deep longing for true love still unfulfilled, I can say with great confidence, “Don’t give up.” Don’t listen to the voices either inner or outer that are trying to encourage you to abandon your deepest hearts desire. Take a long and loving look at yourself. Be willing to change. And for goodness sakes, don’t rule out the young ones!
Copyright © Chris Zydel 2009
That’s a great story, Chris! The fact that you’ve both been in therapy is encouraging to me, because I’ve had a lot of therapy and would like to meet a man who’s been through it as well.
“When I was way younger I remember reading an article that said that if a woman reached the age of 40 still unmarried she was more likely to get hit by lightning or a train or maybe a meteor than she was to ever tie the knot.” That article has done so much damage to women’s hopes, and it was later completely discredited. As in, FALSE.
@Dot – I agree with your comment about therapy. Although it doesn’t strictly need to be with a therapist. It is about taking the time to get to the root of yourself, and really uncover who you truly are and what you truly want. And when two people have done this, and then come together? Magic! As for that nasty article? So incrediably counter productive to us embracing our powers and strengths. And yep, totally FALSE. I have several girlfriends who found amazing awesome love after 40.
The same was implied in my family circle to those over 30. Added to that was the kicker that “no man who isn’t a black belt is going to marry a female black belt.” Fortunately, I wasn’t looking and had never dreamed of my ideal wedding. By the grace of God and divine intervention, I fell in love anyway. We have been married 16 years, and our dedication to working on our issues has helped us over the rough spots of having lived as singles for 30+ years.
@Lori – interesting how there is that belief system (spoken or not) that strong women (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally) will have a tough time finding a life partner. How sad. And how so unfair to women and to men.
Yeah! I’m all smiles. I love hearing stories like this. I do *BELIEVE* in them. These days I’m focusing on me and my creativity with thoughts of sharing this grand adventure with the right man. Oh you cougar! I’ve always been attracted to much older men, I’ll have to consider all of the other potential suitors. Thanks again for an uplifting post.
Chris,
Thanks for your honest sharing!
I also laughed out loud when I read “mold” in your piece, I was expecting “mould.” I now know the two spellings are interchangeable, but the thought of you having a 40+ year old yucky fungus made me laugh.
Perhaps some of our unchallenged beliefs about life and love are just old “molds” after all.
Cheers to you and your husband!
@Barbara – LOL pretty prophetic yucky fungus really. I got rid of my yucky fungus at 42 and never looked back
@Kathryn – I’ve always been attracted to men at least 5 years older than me. When I was single I dated men as much as 15 years my junior. Had one heck of a lot of fun. Mr Very Right is younger than me. Only by 2 years, but I highly recommend younger men
Dear Eliza,
Thanks so much for the opportunity to write about my happy ending love story on your fabulous new site. It’s really fun to see the comments from all the women who are moved to share their own stories. And yes, the mold thing made me laugh out loud. Shedding some of those old, limiting beliefs about what was possible for me in the love department was definitely like getting rid of a very nasty, yucky fungus. Thank the goddess THAT’S over with.
@Chris – the Graceful Women Series is rapidly becoming my favourite part of Silver & Grace. My goal was to create a community of women, and this series goes along way to doing that. Thank you so much for being part of that community.
Before we can require someone’s best, we must be our best. As an older woman you have had plenty of time to work on you. In fact, you probably know what you want and don’t want better than anyone does. You’ve been married and divorced, or just out there long enough to know the score. You go girl! You’re ready.