Comments on: Graceful Women: Taking Care of Mom

By: Eliza

Eliza — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 11:17:50 +0000

@madz – so far, we have had only 1 stint with my mom being in the hospital. I live over 5 hours away and my younger brother overseas. So, it all fell to my dad and my middle brother. My brother put in full days at work, would go straight to the hospital, then come home, email out a status report, and then squeeze all the family and household activitites in. He was exhausted. It was also exhausting from my other brother and myself, but in a different way. Being so far away, we were worried sick and felt helpless. That being said, I believe it gave all of us a renewed sense of family, and how important it is to make the most of every moment.

By: madz

madz — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:40:24 +0000

I have been my mother’s mom too once when she was in the hospital. It was tiring, but the feeling was so much rewarding.

By: Patricia

Patricia — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 01:05:47 +0000

Eliza – new concept of divide the family!
Lori – thank you too for your response…..it is very hard to describe the exhaustion of the experience and I currently think I am just unwinding from the whole venture now after three weeks out of the country and being taken care of on that trip. Just starting now to fill up my well…

I sometimes so wish I had some siblings who I could communicate with or share feelings. I truly feel like an orphan – I thought I would think of it as starting a new family tree with fresh roots and seed…oh the might acorn!

By: Eliza

Eliza — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 00:16:38 +0000

@Patricia – you have made an excellent point about how elder care, and in my experience death, can completely divide a family. I think it’s extremely important to communicate and set expectations before the family is in the thick of things. My brothers and I talk about ‘who gets mom or dad’. We gave them to my youngest brother, but then he upped and moved across the world *chuckle*

By: Lori Hoeck

Lori Hoeck — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:35:10 +0000

Hi Patricia,

Thank you for sharing your insights and how your friend handled her siblings — all powerful examples of the good, the bad, and the ugly of caregiving.

By: Patricia

Patricia — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:06:34 +0000

Eliza and Lori,
Thank you for this lovely post and story and – and for this series.
For 13 years I was the child on duty as my mother aged. The last three years was 24/7 end care for a woman with a sharp mind and a broken body. We learned so much from each other in the end days and I have learned so much about responsibility and reality . I did not become my mum’s mother -as her mind was quick and on target – until the day before she died when she finally let go of her duties – I was caregiver, scribe and feet. I had to teach her how to let go.

My husband was a great help, he went out a bought a car to transport my mother so she was not stuck in her room, he put a chair on the stairs to lift her up and down and he took his turn 3 mornings a week so I could go and exercise.

My siblings disappeared until it was time to divide up the money! Oh and my sister made felony charges against me and I had my counseling license suspended …
Family relationships are amazing….at the journey of death.
How exhausting it can be also.
Very nice idea here and I know many people have things they would like to share. Such as my friend Jo could see that her 4 sisters were going to have lots of trouble as their mother was dying – so she took them all on a spa day with a mediator and dinner at the end….it truly helped everyone get along and make decisions and meet emotional needs. A year later when their mother passed they were all still loving each other and thankful for the experience.

By: Lori Hoeck

Lori Hoeck — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 20:53:18 +0000

Hi Eliza,
I was honored you asked me to write for you. I hope all readers can help you continue with some great posts in this series.

Hi Julie,
Yes, Eliza has a wonderful series concept and I’m happy to kick it off.

Thank you for your kind words.

Hi Robin,
Humor saves the day — every day. I’m blessed to have a husband who can keep my mom laughing. He and I also have a lot of laughs to ourselves or by talking in a way that the hidden humor goes over my mom’s head and leaves us inches from rolling on the floor.

May your mom heal up soon!

By: Eliza

Eliza — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 12:09:16 +0000

@Robin – I hope your mom is feeling better. Finding the humour in situations, even in the sad, is extremely important. It can certainly be hard right in the thick of it, but to be able to reflect upon it and see it in another light goes a long way to coping and healing. This is true of any of life’s challenges.

By: Eliza

Eliza — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 12:05:39 +0000

@Julie – stage fright. You crack me up. I have sent details to the email account you supplied with this comment. I look forward to your post. (Notice I have left very little room for negotiation)

By: Robin

Robin — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 07:54:19 +0000

HI there Lori – I think I’ve mentioned to you before that my father had Alzheimer’s – he died almost exactly 2 years ago. I don’t need to say what it was like having a family member go through all that – but I can say there were certainly quite a few moments of humour!

I am staying with my mother for over a week at the moment, as she has just had a spell of not being well, and she mentions the funny things that went on quite often.

All the best with dealing with it – a philosophical approach is surely the best one! – Robin