Graceful Women: The social impact of body size
Nobody can question the unrealistic and unhealthy emphasis our society puts on body size. I think a jean size of zero is quite metaphoric. The health and welfare of the person inside those jeans means nothing, notta, zip.
I am as guilty as the next person. I struggle with body image. I am trim and athletic, but I constantly fight a fear of not being that one day. My size is part of my self-image. Despite the fact that rationally I know this is a ridiculous thought process. My spiritual and physical health are part of my image, not my size.
However, it never occurs to me to question another person’s size and weight. It’s a non-issue to me, so I was shocked when a reader left a comment on my post Surviving all the holiday food choices that her weight makes other people uncomfortable.
I want to thank Patrica, of Patricia’s Wisdom, for agreeing to share this very personal account of how she is treated by other people for being a larger woman. Here is her story:
One of the hardest things about being FAT or overweight is how uncomfortable one makes the people around them feel.
I wish I were not so heavy and I work very hard on my health and in working towards achieving a more “normal” or acceptable body size. My goal is to be the healthiest, whole person I can be.
I learned early on how physical appearance can make folks feel uncomfortable. Having had several rounds of cancer in my youth, I was witness to other folks concerned that they might “catch” it from me, and at that time most of the people who had cancer were dying or dead. It was a matter of no knowledge or inadequate information. Other children did not wish to stand next to me in choir for fear they would inhale this unknown- children often tell it like it is. All the scars made the locker room a nightmare experience in my self-conscious teens.
In 1994 after ovarian cancer surgery my body started protecting its self by putting on weight. I carry around about 95 extra pounds. I walk 5 miles daily, I have worked with dieticians and I stretch and lift weights. My thighs and upper arms are 3 clothing sizes bigger than my torso.
I am not funny or even jolly. I do not tell jokes all the time to keep folks from noticing my weight.
At public gatherings, people watch what I eat. I have found that unless I want to acknowledge some special dish or something the chef has prepared with individual care, I do not eat and I fill my glass with water.
People are afraid they will look like me. I feel their pain. I have had people come up to me after a dinner and say, “I did not know what to do, I saw you just put your folk on your plate and did not eat anything!” “Were you drinking straight vodka?”, one guest asked me at a party. One cannot miss that people are watching.
Men are often very overt in their feelings; one said to me, “Why did you let yourself go? You used to be so intelligent and pretty?” At the theatre one said, “you could move faster if you got that blubber off your butt.”
My presence makes people feel afraid that they will get large and out of control; that they will have to wear unfashionable clothing and learn standup comedy.
I usually get diet tips and exercise advice and information about the tricks that movie stars use. I even get referrals to plastic surgeons and spas that “really” work.
Being this size makes people afraid. They might become just like me. They would no longer be appealing. Everyone would know they are lazy.
I know I have lost job opportunities because of my appearance. I have very few clothes because I would rather look good and meet someone else’s standards in public than look sloppy and make them feel afraid.
The worst is the moment that the other decides that you are lying – making up and defending your lack of control and ugliness. This is also the moment, when I know yet another doctor has no answer and rather than fail – they are going to give up on me very soon.
Getting defensive just makes the stress hormones send the message to add more weight.
Only a few want to be seen with the “B List”.
What hurts the most still is that so many think the heavier you are the less intelligence one has.
A post script by Eliza: I normally post a photo of my Graceful Women. Patricia asked that I post a lady bug as it is her symbol of a woman recreating herself. I was very happy to do so.
Hi Eliza,
Guess the troops are not pouring in!! I have had no power for about half the day…thought that would give some time!
Thank you for posting it though – it is out there.
Last night at book group the gals returned to their discussion about “Thin is the New Happy” and they talked about how they were keeping the size 6 during the Holidays and a trip to Hawaii…then we talked about breasts and they knew everyone who had had plastic surgery at the gym. I said I had not really thought about my breasts, although all three of my daughter’s think they are large – not like Gram’s but big….the group went silent and after a minute the conversation shifted to a torn ligament and running shoes…
as large as I am….and some folks think I just look big and powerful….no one in that room wanted my body or my fitness routine…
It is every present and blogging is better than in person. It allows people to know me and my wisdom with out being distracted.
Hi Patricia & Eliza.
I can’t believe that person actually said that to you at the movie theatre! I wonder if society will EVER get past this? Imagine how much communication and friendship is lost because people can’t see past body image? I see a woman in my neighbourhood quite regularly. She is hugely overweight, having to walk with a walker to support herself. My heart goes out to her because I can’t stop myself from thinking how some people must treat her.
“Being this size makes people afraid.” What’s interesting about this is that they’re afraid of being treated the way they are treating overweight people.
Being this size makes people afraid.” What’s interesting about this is that they’re afraid of being treated the way they are treating overweight people. So they hope by saying it first…it will act like a shield and assist them in being “normal” or the right size
Hi Eliza and Patricia,
it saddens me, Patricia that you have been treated this way, all because others are being judgmental based on what a person looks like, and not what’s in their heart. It also saddens me how you’ve been intimidated to not eat in front of other people.
I’m thinking of those who criticize you and realize, that which they’re voicing is really THEIR problem, not yours. I’ll bet by criticizing you, they “think” they’ll feel better about their own in inadequacies, when in truth if they look at themselves in the mirror their problems are magnified.
That said, I’m so happy you started blogging as it gives you the opportunity to share your lovely heart , your words of wisdom, and be accepted for who you really are.
((((Hugs to your my friend)))
@Patricia – the troops don’t pour into Silver & Grace; more like a trickle
But I am confident that someday they will pour in, when the Silver & Grace community catches fire. The key point being, as you said, the message is out there. Thank you again for sharing.
@Davina – isn’t prejudice about the bigot being afraid of being treated the way they are treating others? It’s about the need to intimidate and belittle to maintain a sense of personal power. Interestingly though, it’s not just the thin people who put down larger people. One of my favourite strong women is singer/songwriter Jann Arden. She has always been a larger woman. However, in the last couple of years she took up running and lost a whole pile of weight. Guess who were furious with her? Her larger women fans! They felt betrayed that Jann felt the need to lose weight. What they didn’t understand is that Jann didn’t feel the need to lose weight. Jann felt the need to engage in a physical activity that made her feel good. The weight loss went along with that. Hear hear, Jann! It’s about each individual doing what makes them fit, physically and spiritually.
@Barbara – I just find it sad that we accept people in a virtual world, but not in physical world. But it sure does explain the popularity of chat room avatars. You get to create your own image.
Eliza,
a trickle is good! and we are out there…! I ran when I was singing and was not considered obese until after the hysterectomy – just big – 5:9″ and big boned. I am very thankful for my big bones which at 60 have no osteoporosis… We will get heard and discovered…such good material…
Aren’t you doing the book review tour coming soon? I am learning a great deal from the study and I want to get a copy of this book for my Dr. and Naturopath…I am Jan 29th, 2010
It’s sad people have to get into other people’s business so much these days. It’s as if our society is wired to pointing fingers and making comments or judgments.
I’m still not comfortable with my weight after the stress of caregiving and not training for awhile added more than a few pounds. It’s worse knowing that people think a black belt should fit a certain image. I saw a comment in a YouTube video with another female black belt that said, “She’d look really cute if she lost 10 pounds.” Here this woman is trying to help others and gets a knife in the back.
Wish we could all just get back to relating to one another based on “the content of our character.” Your openness and sharing certainly shows yours as stellar, Patricia.
Hello, Everyone!
Patricia, I read this post when it was first published, and I have been processing it in the days intervening until now. This sentence knocked me over:
“In 1994 after ovarian cancer surgery my body started protecting its self by putting on weight.”
I recently consulted with a physician for follow-up on disparate health issues, and I brought the frustrating subject up. My father-in-law never misses an opportunity to remark about or tie in my husband’s and/or my weight gain since we’ve been married to whatever the subject matter at hand. It’s clear my in-laws are fretting about it. According to them, weight loss is a simple, willpower-based matter. (They both are very gaunt to the point of frailness/emaciation, and consequently have little stamina. Both are not well.) When Eliza said above “. . .isn’t prejudice about the bigot being afraid of being treated the way they are treating others? It’s about the need to intimidate and belittle to maintain a sense of personal power,” I just went “oh, yeah.”
The physician had this feedback for me when I asked:
“Stop. Just stop. Back in the day, people dealt with stress using a variety of ways. The amount of drinking would be considered alcoholism today (think Mad Men). Smoking was so common you were an oddball if you didn’t. No one exercised much. Nowadays we’ve got little left but food for comfort. You have been under an enormous amount of financial and emotional stress, blending families who didn’t want to blend, dealing with real estate that didn’t want to sell. Your cortisol production has to be in overdrive. Your body perceives any kind of threat as an invitation to stockpile against what it senses might be more difficulties ahead. Stop worrying about your weight. Learn how to stop people from worrying about it for you, and live your happiest life.” What a powerful validation of the struggles we face.
Patricia, I am amazed by the amount of exercise you put in every day, and by the challenges you have faced feeding your family with their health issues. I also am quite sure that, like me, you do not overeat. I am dumbfounded by people who feel it is within their self-righteousness to be overtly cruel.
I also believe that the prejudice against people who are overweight could easily morph from mere societal disapproval to financial, tax-based and other disincentives, as in “Fat people use too many resources – take up too much room,” etc. so they should be penalized or barred in some way. This is appalling to my libertarian tendencies. There is far too much voluntary asceticism in today’s first world – arising out of a cocktail of psych disorders and skewed self-perceptions. The thinnest woman in my Tuesday group would not take one cookie at our last meeting before Christmas. She’s about a size 2. Seriously. Not one cookie.
You have written an extremely powerful post that could be a manifesto, Patricia. Thank you for your courage in doing so.
@Lori – so much easier to look to other people’s business than our own.
@Betsy – thank you so much for your detailed reply. I am most impressed by your physician. Kudos to him or her! And it’s very true. We are so much more aware now as a society about health regarding smoking and drinking. But we have taken it too far. Now we are trying to narrow it down to the ideal look. Give me a break. My best friend since high school is, and always has been, a larger woman. She is drop dead stunningly beautiful and sexy. She embraces her curves. But more importantly, she made a decision a long time ago that she controls a lot in her life; her weight was just one thing too many. Instead, she focuses on her physical and spiritual health and it shows. She’s one of those women who walks in the room and all eyes go to her (male and female) because she has presence.
Lori,
I think this is part of “you just have to love yourself and celebrate yourself.” I just have to acknowledge that my life has been profoundly stressful (especially with an child with oppositional defiant disorder – which by the way self-defense lessons were a God send for her) I choose to handle it all with my big beautiful power base…..including insurance companies which I had to take on – mostly alone – cause they are as scary as Monsanto is….whoo wee! Now I have to work at relaxing and turning the off switch off…but folks are kind of mean these days.
I was just told when I dropped a volunteer service organization that I would not have needed to if I could be more “Positive and a happier person”…..tells me more about her….
Betsy,
I comfort myself with walking more than food. I eat very healthy food and very little of it….It is not just a matter of counting calories and exercising more…..
I am sure I have lost jobs over this. And I lost Long Term Care Insurance last year….because I weigh over 200 pounds. If I don’t confess to being diabetic and take the medications ( I am not diabetic by the way and had a horrible reaction to the medications they put me on for 6 days) I may loose my health insurance.
I believe myself to be very, very wise and I truly like/love myself – I think that is the point that raises others hackles and comments.
I also listen to people very intently….which is scary to some too.
You have written a wonderful comment and the comments and replies to my initial writing is making this into quite an exceptional piece/post.
Just think this will be here for others to read and hopefully find release, comfort and support.
Maybe we need to find a new way to speak to each other….and make it a new practice.
That is why I like Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communications work/ Compassionate Communications….Others words speak volumes about their fears. Clint Eastwood says something like this: Criticism is just someone else’s opinion.
We can create a new community here – in example of what is possible!
Hi Eliza. “It’s about the need to intimidate and belittle to maintain a sense of personal power.” It really is about loving ourselves isn’t it? If we were able to do that, we’d not have to look down on other people, or criticize them to feel better about ourselves. We’d be be less prone to anger and judgment. We’d be able to accept compliments. We’d not look for others to rescue us. There are so many ways a low self-esteem can show up. This is a great discussion happening here; lots of good stuff!
Overweight guys get a lot of cracks about their weight too.
In fact, in some cases, the derogatory comments can even be more harsh and insensitive than what anyone would dare to say to a woman.
But it’s okay. Because you know…they’re guys. And they’re supposed to be able to take it.
I know this, because I’m often on the receiving end of the insults.
@Patricia – ‘we can create a new community here’ … this has always been the goal of Silver & Grace. To create a community where ideas, thoughts, concerns, and support can be shared. It’s the virtual kitchen table. I am thrilled with the back and forth dialogue on this topic, and I hope to see much more of it here.
@Davina – there is a lot of good stuff happening in the comments. So much, that I can see several more posts springing from this one.
@Friar – I have no doubt that men are at the receiving end of very harsh comments about weight. And I also have no doubt that men are expected to ‘suck it up’, whereas that expectation is not there with women. It’s all very wrong. Davina summed it up very nicely in her most recent comment, and I will definitely be pursuing this unfortunate need people have to belittle others in a future post.