Comments on: Graceful Women: The social impact of body size

By: Eliza

Eliza — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 01:49:49 +0000

@Friar – I have no doubt that men are at the receiving end of very harsh comments about weight. And I also have no doubt that men are expected to ‘suck it up’, whereas that expectation is not there with women. It’s all very wrong. Davina summed it up very nicely in her most recent comment, and I will definitely be pursuing this unfortunate need people have to belittle others in a future post.

By: Eliza

Eliza — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 01:44:55 +0000

@Davina – there is a lot of good stuff happening in the comments. So much, that I can see several more posts springing from this one.

By: Eliza

Eliza — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 01:43:44 +0000

@Patricia – ‘we can create a new community here’ … this has always been the goal of Silver & Grace. To create a community where ideas, thoughts, concerns, and support can be shared. It’s the virtual kitchen table. I am thrilled with the back and forth dialogue on this topic, and I hope to see much more of it here.

By: Friar

Friar — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 00:55:07 +0000

Overweight guys get a lot of cracks about their weight too.

In fact, in some cases, the derogatory comments can even be more harsh and insensitive than what anyone would dare to say to a woman.

But it’s okay. Because you know…they’re guys. And they’re supposed to be able to take it.

I know this, because I’m often on the receiving end of the insults.

By: Davina

Davina — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 20:00:20 +0000

Hi Eliza. “It’s about the need to intimidate and belittle to maintain a sense of personal power.” It really is about loving ourselves isn’t it? If we were able to do that, we’d not have to look down on other people, or criticize them to feel better about ourselves. We’d be be less prone to anger and judgment. We’d be able to accept compliments. We’d not look for others to rescue us. There are so many ways a low self-esteem can show up. This is a great discussion happening here; lots of good stuff!

By: Patricia

Patricia — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 00:52:07 +0000

Betsy,
I comfort myself with walking more than food. I eat very healthy food and very little of it….It is not just a matter of counting calories and exercising more…..

I am sure I have lost jobs over this. And I lost Long Term Care Insurance last year….because I weigh over 200 pounds. If I don’t confess to being diabetic and take the medications ( I am not diabetic by the way and had a horrible reaction to the medications they put me on for 6 days) I may loose my health insurance.

I believe myself to be very, very wise and I truly like/love myself – I think that is the point that raises others hackles and comments.

I also listen to people very intently….which is scary to some too.

You have written a wonderful comment and the comments and replies to my initial writing is making this into quite an exceptional piece/post.

Just think this will be here for others to read and hopefully find release, comfort and support.

Maybe we need to find a new way to speak to each other….and make it a new practice.
That is why I like Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communications work/ Compassionate Communications….Others words speak volumes about their fears. Clint Eastwood says something like this: Criticism is just someone else’s opinion.

We can create a new community here – in example of what is possible!

By: Patricia

Patricia — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 00:35:56 +0000

Lori,
I think this is part of “you just have to love yourself and celebrate yourself.” I just have to acknowledge that my life has been profoundly stressful (especially with an child with oppositional defiant disorder – which by the way self-defense lessons were a God send for her) I choose to handle it all with my big beautiful power base…..including insurance companies which I had to take on – mostly alone – cause they are as scary as Monsanto is….whoo wee! Now I have to work at relaxing and turning the off switch off…but folks are kind of mean these days.
I was just told when I dropped a volunteer service organization that I would not have needed to if I could be more “Positive and a happier person”…..tells me more about her….

By: Eliza

Eliza — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 23:51:57 +0000

@Betsy – thank you so much for your detailed reply. I am most impressed by your physician. Kudos to him or her! And it’s very true. We are so much more aware now as a society about health regarding smoking and drinking. But we have taken it too far. Now we are trying to narrow it down to the ideal look. Give me a break. My best friend since high school is, and always has been, a larger woman. She is drop dead stunningly beautiful and sexy. She embraces her curves. But more importantly, she made a decision a long time ago that she controls a lot in her life; her weight was just one thing too many. Instead, she focuses on her physical and spiritual health and it shows. She’s one of those women who walks in the room and all eyes go to her (male and female) because she has presence.

By: Eliza

Eliza — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 23:41:19 +0000

@Lori – so much easier to look to other people’s business than our own.

By: Betsy Wuebker

Betsy Wuebker — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 20:55:18 +0000

Hello, Everyone!

Patricia, I read this post when it was first published, and I have been processing it in the days intervening until now. This sentence knocked me over:

“In 1994 after ovarian cancer surgery my body started protecting its self by putting on weight.”

I recently consulted with a physician for follow-up on disparate health issues, and I brought the frustrating subject up. My father-in-law never misses an opportunity to remark about or tie in my husband’s and/or my weight gain since we’ve been married to whatever the subject matter at hand. It’s clear my in-laws are fretting about it. According to them, weight loss is a simple, willpower-based matter. (They both are very gaunt to the point of frailness/emaciation, and consequently have little stamina. Both are not well.) When Eliza said above “. . .isn’t prejudice about the bigot being afraid of being treated the way they are treating others? It’s about the need to intimidate and belittle to maintain a sense of personal power,” I just went “oh, yeah.”

The physician had this feedback for me when I asked:

“Stop. Just stop. Back in the day, people dealt with stress using a variety of ways. The amount of drinking would be considered alcoholism today (think Mad Men). Smoking was so common you were an oddball if you didn’t. No one exercised much. Nowadays we’ve got little left but food for comfort. You have been under an enormous amount of financial and emotional stress, blending families who didn’t want to blend, dealing with real estate that didn’t want to sell. Your cortisol production has to be in overdrive. Your body perceives any kind of threat as an invitation to stockpile against what it senses might be more difficulties ahead. Stop worrying about your weight. Learn how to stop people from worrying about it for you, and live your happiest life.” What a powerful validation of the struggles we face.

Patricia, I am amazed by the amount of exercise you put in every day, and by the challenges you have faced feeding your family with their health issues. I also am quite sure that, like me, you do not overeat. I am dumbfounded by people who feel it is within their self-righteousness to be overtly cruel.

I also believe that the prejudice against people who are overweight could easily morph from mere societal disapproval to financial, tax-based and other disincentives, as in “Fat people use too many resources – take up too much room,” etc. so they should be penalized or barred in some way. This is appalling to my libertarian tendencies. There is far too much voluntary asceticism in today’s first world – arising out of a cocktail of psych disorders and skewed self-perceptions. The thinnest woman in my Tuesday group would not take one cookie at our last meeting before Christmas. She’s about a size 2. Seriously. Not one cookie.

You have written an extremely powerful post that could be a manifesto, Patricia. Thank you for your courage in doing so.