Graceful Women: Why I went gray; or, conversations with Ed
The top post at Silver & Grace, based on search hits, is Gray hair can be beautiful and sexy. Here I briefly touch on my own decision to go gray, and display a photo of myself in all my gray haired glory.
It’s a hot topic, this going gray business. Hot enough for Anne Kreamer to write an entire book on it, which I reviewed and then gave away in a contest.
Andrea Squires was the lucky winner of the contest, and receipt of the book coincided with her own going gray transition. I asked Andrea to tell her going gray journey, and what she shared was incredible story of self acceptance.
Here is Andrea’s story:
I decided to let my hair go gray for the same reason I had changed my hair color a million times: I was bored.
Or so I thought.
As I went through the tedious and sometimes disturbing process of letting my reddish-brown hair turn to pepper-and-salt, it turned out that my reasons went deeper. I had many pillow conversations about it with Ed, often at 3:00 am.
Ed always lets me know his opinions. A head-butt means “more scratching, now” and a gentle bite means “shut up, I’m trying to sleep.” Ed is 19, old for a cat, and did not get this far by letting the Meaning of Life interrupt his sleep.
In the end, letting my hair go gray is an outward sign of finally accepting me. I’m 49, never married, no children, unless you count Ed (which he does). As a young woman, I fell in love with theatre. I struggled to make a living as a performer. Gradually, I got tired of the road and ramen noodles, and settled to jobs in the computer industry. I stayed in Dilbert-Land for close to a decade, gaining weight and feeling trapped.
Three years ago, something in me woke up. On impulse, I applied for a dream job teaching presentation at a major museum—and got the job! I moved to Virginia, and started performing in a storytelling program.
Through teaching and stories, I discovered my own voice. As children and adults listened to me, I found that I valued myself. There is a strong folk tradition that age is strength, not weakness. From studying the stories of many cultures, I’m learning that age is an honorable, earned state and not a deficit.
Singlehood can be hard, as can the choice not to have children. Over the years, when I felt internal or external pressures to find a mate, I was prey to what I call the magic “If …”
“If I were 30 pounds lighter I would be sexy …”
“If my hair were that color, I could look younger …”
“If I were more disciplined, I could (fill-in-the-blank) …”
Sound familiar? I hated my body, my face, my hair, my personality … you name it, I thought it should change. I lived for a magical time when all the “Ifs” would come true. But that time never comes. It’s a mirage.
So I’m working on losing the “Ifs”—all but one. If I don’t try to appreciate who I am right now, warts and all, I will simply waste more of my precious life.
Ed would be biting my hand about now, so I’ll finish with my favorite moment from going gray. A young hairstylist commented that if I didn’t color my hair I would “look older.” Without really thinking about it, I smiled and said, “That’s OK with me.”
Your turn
Do you have a personal story to share? Silver & Grace is always looking for stories that turn the theory into reality. To submit your story click here.
Is there a topic related to the spiritual or physical aspect of aging gracefully that you would like to see covered? Please send post ideas to Eliza by using the Silver & Grace contact form.
Don’t miss out!
To make sure you don’t miss out on any of the topics and discussions, subscribe by RSS or Email
I’m 25yrs old, and already going grey. From a distance, it just looks like ‘highlights’ but when you look closer, silver strands are just riddled through out. I’ve had family,friends and hairdressers ask me or tell me that I should (or need to) dye my hair to get rid of the grey- but I just brush them off.
I kind of like the silver streaks in my hair. I find, once you start dying your hair, it is such a hassle to stay ontop of the colouring process , making sure it always looks fresh. If I just let it do it’s own thing right now, I don’t have to worry about being in that limbo period of letting the old colour fade and give way to my natural hair colour and my greys.
Both my parents went grey early and they both look fantastic with their silver hair, so why fight the inevitable?
@Beatrice – first of all thanks for the ‘Both my parents went grey early and they both look fantastic’ … brought tears to my eyes. Second, I was going to correct you on your age, but then remembered that you ARE 25. That still takes some getting used to. (Yes, everyone, Beatrice is one of my beautiful daughters) Third, and this isn’t a prejudice mom statement … what incredible grace and maturity at the age of 25 to go with what your body wants to do, and as you say not ‘fight the inevitable’.
I had beautiful nearly black hair in my youth, but was very salt and pepper by my late 20s. My parents had stunning silver to white heads of hair early. My brother’s hair was all grey by age 30….My sister colored her hair. I just thought I had beautiful hair and I like it. After chemo I have very little, thin, hair….I perm to not look bald, but I do not color…I like it It is just part of being me….IF that is the reason I did not get the job…well so be it….
I think grey hair is beautiful. Three years ago I started to dye my hair red because I think red hair is gorgeous and because I have pale skin it was a good fit. I wore it that way for about a year before deciding to let the colour grow out. I’m glad I did because the maintenance of keeping the colour was too much of a bother for me.
@Beatrice, I too started to see silver streaks in my hair around your age (that was 20 years ago). I remember one time catching my brother staring at me; he was afraid to tell me that he saw grey hair. I wasn’t worried in the least.
@Patricia – where I work the ages range from mid-twenties to mid-sixties. I never put thought to my hair colour related to ageism in the work place. But then one day, Mr Very Right told me about a potential job opportunity for me in a private company (I work for the federal government), and he said most of the employees are in their twenties and early thirties. For the first time ever I wondered if my grey hair would be a detriment to getting the job because I wouldn’t be seen as youthful enough. In the end, if I had really wanted the job, I would have applied and am pretty confident I would have wowed them with my youthful spirit. But still, it was shocking to me that I even put thought to the possibility that my hair colour (or lack thereof) would be a consideration.
@Davina – not colouring is so much simpler, and zero stress about “oh my goodness, I have to make a hair appointment”. I’m all about zero stress
I come from the other side of the fence. Turning fifty this year and just in the last few months have started to see the first strands of silver hair poking though. Someday when there are more I may go gray. But based on the shortage, I have a handful of blonde years ahead of me yet.
The biggest thing that I do notice is that the ones that are coming through have a noticeable texture difference
They are thicker and wirey. i think that is going to be an interesting thing to watch as time goes by,.
@Wendi – yes, quite wiry. But that’s cool. I blow dry and straighten my hair when I wash it (with baking soda), then over the next several days it gets curlier and curlier and until it’s time to wash my hair again. I’ve always have wavy hair before, but never curly, so it’s pretty cool.However, once in awhile a pesky strand insists on sticking straight up in the air. Nothing will get it to lay flat, so out it comes