How to Nourish the Sandwich that is You
In my post Joining the ranks of the Sandwich Generation, I talk about what the Sandwich Generation is, and the fact that women are more often impacted by elder care than men are. Silver & Grace guest post authors, Rosemary Lichtman and Phyllis Goldman, offer up excellent advice on how to stay healthy and sane during this phase of our lives.
The “Sandwich Generation” is a term that has now found its way into the dictionary. It fits an increasing number of boomer women whose reality includes being squeezed between the demands of growing children and the needs of aging parents.
A study by AARP and the National Alliance for Care-giving identified over 44 million Americans who are caring for ill adult family members, 60% of them women. According to the National Center on Health Statistics, about 80% of women in their 40’s have children for whom they are still somewhat responsible. Given these numbers, many of you may well be asking yourself, how can I balance caring for my parents, my children and myself? Here are some tips to help you sustain and nourish yourself:
1. Rejuvenate your spirits. Soak in a hot tub, curl up with a good book or enjoy a beautiful sunrise. Solitude provides a chance to emotionally reconnect. Gail recognized, “I’m working on being kinder to myself. I am committed to daily prayer, meditation and relaxation. As I rebuild inner harmony, I am freer to do what is right for me.”
2. Don’t become isolated from your friends. As you add caring for your parents to your already busy schedule, maintain contact with others even if you can’t spend as much physical time together. Karen agreed, “The blessings of my family, friends and faith have sustained me. Old friends have been wonderfully supportive. Since I no longer live near some of them, e-mail has been my lifeline.”
3. Let go of your negative feelings. Guilt is the most prevalent emotion of caregivers who worry that they’re not doing enough. Remind yourself that you’re doing what you can, given the realities of your life situation. Other times you may be feeling angry, resentful or afraid of what’s to come. Acknowledge these universal reactions as you work through them.
4. Feel more positive by practicing relaxation or meditation. Think about three pleasant things that happened each day. Every night, before you go to bed, write affirmations about what is good in your life. Alice mused, “I try to stay positive and optimistic. Self-pity is terminal for me. I work on waking up happy I’m alive, going to bed satisfied with what I’ve done, living authentically. ‘She who laughs last, laughs best’ is my creed and ‘when you stumble make it part of the dance’ is my motto.”
5. Allow yourself the gift of laughter. Rent a funny movie, find humor in daily life or spend time with a friend who makes you happy. All of this helps you relieve stress, avoid burnout and brighten your outlook. Studies have shown that laughter triggers the release of endorphins. And a good mood helps you develop creative solutions as well as make better decisions.
6. Ask for what you need from both professionals and family members. Don’t assume that you have to do everything yourself. Talk openly and honestly about how you feel and encourage other family members to pitch in and do their share. Develop firm boundaries to protect yourself as you handle family challenges.
7. Give yourself credit for all you do in finding balance in your life. Acknowledge and integrate the compliments that others give you. Let yourself enjoy the gratitude and love that your parents and children express for you. Thinking about what she had accomplished, Harriet felt, “This has really tested my strength. I still feel overwhelmed. But now I know I have the endurance to withstand just about anything.”
As you assume greater responsibility for your parents and maintain your pivotal role in your children’s lives, enjoy the time and activities that allow you to take care of yourself.
© Her Mentor Center, 2010
More information
Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts with a 4-step model for change. Whether you’re coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com. Sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones and e-book, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals – You’ll discover practical tips about how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.
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As a person who had a special needs child still at home and a mother dying, I felt like a squished sandwich for nearly 8 years. I gave myself Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome which I am still attempting to recovery from and get back my energy and joie d’vie.
I really did follow all of these items except the one about isolation from friends….support, other than paid support just disappeared and school officials were so nasty and down right belligerent….then throw in the police visits, being sued by my sister after making felony charges about handling of money,…..my child drove most folks away…wasn’t even much support from my church community….because child was adopted people thought we just brought it on ourselves…
After she broke her back my Mother became my greatest supporter as it did all the care giving…a bit like the two of us against the world…then Hospice finally did come into our last 6 months of mum’s life and I was able to get a bath aid, time to do the grocery shopping, and have a Dr.’s appt myself and the greatest relief was a cleaning gal once a month….
Great post and important information sharing here. Thank you all
@Patricia – I think you bring an important message to us. We tend to overlook are our friends who are providing care to their parents. We need to offer our support. Even it is visiting with mom or dad, while our friend takes an hour or so to herself.
Very good points! It’s vital for those of us dealing with the Sandwich Generation issues of caring for elderly parents while juggling childrens’ or even grandchildrens’ needs to make sure we are also taking care of ourselves. I strive to make sure I spend time daily in prayer and in God’s Word – I love His encouraging and inspirational Bible verses! They truly give me the “umph” to keep going.
Thanks again for submitting this to the latest Boomers and Seniors: News You Can Use blog carnival at SandwichINK.
@Kaye – I’m not there yet myself as all our parents are very healthy, but I am definitely going to keep all this advice in mind when the time comes.