Interview: Barbara Barth author of The Unfaithful Widow

I loved reading Barbara Barth’s The Unfaithful Widow. Barbara lost a husband just as she was turning sixty. The book chronicles the first year after her husband died.

To find out more about the book, you can check out my book review by clicking here. However, I want to talk about Barbara!

Since my review, Barbara and I have been kibitzing back and forth. The honesty I encountered in her book is the honesty I find in these interactions. So, I knew that I could ask Barbara some pretty ‘out there’ questions on behalf of the Silver & Grace community and get back some very honest answers.

True to form, that is exactly what Barbara gave me.

Eliza asked:

You started dating shortly after the death of your husband. I remember when a family member started dating shortly after the death of his beloved wife there were rumblings of shock. I think it is a testament to how good the marriage was. What are your thoughts on this?

Barbara answered:

I started dating three months after my husband died. My circumstances were very simple. I did not have children. I did not have a job. I had no place to be. Dating was a way for me to get dressed and to get out at night. I liked the e-mails and anticipation of dating more than the actual date. But no matter how or why, it was dating and I was very fortunate that my family and friends did not pass judgment on my choices. They were supportive of me. I think my mother was thrilled I didn’t just curl up on the couch and wither away.

I didn’t feel insecure with myself, more shocked at the oddity of the men I met, and I owe that to the fact I was happy and in love with my husband. I do believe that a healthy marriage is a good foundation to build a new life. I didn’t have to worry about how we were all those years, just how was I going to be on my own. I did have a very bad date put a time frame of one year and one day as the proper amount of time that showed respect. I wrote about him in The Widow Rule.

At a time of loss you have to find your own way and to have your family and friends give you that freedom is a gift.

Eliza asked:

You are in your sixties and you love sex. *gasp* In your book, you even describe a friend with whom you have sex, with no expectation from either of you that the friendship will deepen into more than that. *double gasp*

Seriously, though, good on you. Do you find that it is more acceptable now to openly talk about sex for the sake of enjoying sex, or do we still need to sugar coat it with talk of love and intimacy to make it acceptable?

Barbara answered:

Is this where I become the poster widow for friends with benefits? This question made me smile and then *gasp*. Just how to answer a question that has never been a question for me?

In the years before I met my husband the only issue my generation had was pregnancy, as in how not to get pregnant if you were having sex. All the health issues out there today were not yet a factor in my dark ages of dating. Then I had twenty-five years with one man where sex was as normal as any other activity I did.

It was actually a shock when I realized I no longer had a sex partner. How do you handle that? I don’t believe in casual sex, yet I certainly did not want to go without sex.

I bring sex into my book in a playful way to show women you can have sex, enjoy it and come away feeling empowered and good about yourself. I think being realistic about what you are doing is much healthier than trying to sugar coat it as something it isn’t. That can only lead to problems and heartache.

I think the best way to live life is to be honest with yourself and do what is comfortable for you. I am an advocate that you need to be aware of the health issues involved with unprotected sex and cover your bases so to speak if you are having sex.

I was in a lecture the other day where the teacher was talking about writing about sex in fiction. His advice was to keep it in line with how your characters would act or else it won’t seem natural and you could look foolish. The teacher was someone I knew and after class I went up to tell him how much I enjoyed his session. I then added, “You know, you made me realize I wrote about the sex in my book exactly as you said…. of course, then I added in the dog.”

He gave me a funny look, but I know he went to buy a copy of my book the next day.

Which I believe leads me to the next question.

Eliza asked:

When I realized how bad a former relationship was that I was in, I went out and got a kitten. Then when I left that relationship, and moved out on my own, I got another kitten. Your dogs are very much a part of your life. In your book, you talk about how your rescue dogs helped rescue you. Can you expand on how having pets helps in the healing process?

Barbara answered:

I love dogs. Animals have always been a part of my life. I can’t imagine not having one. I never imagined having six.

My dogs make every day a Disney movie. When I come home at night there is a riot of activity that gives energy to my house. It is no longer quiet. I have six dogs jumping on me, rolling over each other, trying to get my attention. How can you not laugh and find happiness with a madcap scene like that?

My book ends with a PS where my fourth dog is introduced. Within a few months I added numbers five and six to the pack. Each dog brings something new to the household.

The first rescue dog to come home with me was Bray, an Afghan mix. Troubled and untrusting he has finally come out of his shell. Watching him blossom taught me that fear can be overcome with love and patience.

Annabelle, the matronly hound dog was finally that lap dog I wanted. She crawled in bed with me the first night and as I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head I was gleeful I finally found my answer for a bedmate. I had the best night’s sleep in a year that night.

Having one dog you see how the dog interacts with you. When you start adding dogs it is amazing to see the social structure they have with each other. I am fortunate my dogs all get along. So there is no trouble, just a big love fest at this household.

The dogs keep me focused on a daily routine where I have none most days. I am still a caregiver around them.

The dogs are a great judge of character and help me weed out the lemons. The last male in this household ran out saying he had a headache. The dogs will screen all my dates from now on. Maybe there will be a guy who thinks I need seven dogs. He will be a keeper.

More information!

If you too want to kibitz with Barbara, please head over to her blog Confessions of the Unfaithful Widow. I know she’ll be pleased to meet you.

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