Nurturing ourselves instead of others

My favourite myth is the story of Persephone. I studied Greek mythology in Grade 9 English, which was over thirty years go. Yet, to this day, I know all the details of the story.

Hades abducted Persephone to be his bride, causing her poor mother Demeter to go into deep despair. This despair was personified in the dying off of foliage and cold, dreary weather. A deal was worked out with Hades, and Persephone was allowed to spend six months of the year with her mother, and six months of the year with Hades.

A classic portrayal of the cycle of changing seasons.

Later, I tuned into more cycles in my life beyond that of the seasons. Life cycles of conception, birth, growth, death, disintegration. Monthly menstrual cycles. Psychological cycles such as denial, anger, grief, acceptance.

And my favourite, the wisdom cycle of maid, mother and crone.

The innocent maid, eager to please and learn.

The mother, eager to produce and nurture others.

The crone. Ah, the crone. Eager to nuture herself.

All of a sudden we starting saying no to demands asked of us. And where we once put the needs of our children and partners first, we actually start to feel cranky and put upon.

“Crumpets!,” we huff. “Can nobody in this household make themselves a simple peanut butter sandwich?”

And while at first blush, this looks like we are just plain tired of being the one to Do It All, this may actually be linked to a physiological cycle. The cycle of our hormones over our lifetime.

What makes us want to nurture others?

Oxytocin.

Or, as it’s affectionately referred to, the cuddle hormone.

Oxytocin is increased in our bodies with touch. It makes us feel all warm and fuzzy and bonds us to the person we are experiencing touch with.

When we breast feed, oxytocin levels go way up. Nature’s way of making sure we want to feed our offspring.

Add balanced levels of estrogen and progesterone, and during our twenties and thirties we are happy to take care of the needs of others.

Why the switch away from others onto ourselves?

Well, first off, after forty our estrogen and progesterone levels get all out of whack. This makes us cranky, and we just aren’t as tolerant anymore. What used to be a minor irritation, becomes an offense of immense proportions.

“ARGH! Would it kill the kids to actually open the dishwasher and pop in their dirty dishes?”

“Why on earth does my husband think it’s okay to throw his socks into the hamper rolled up in tight little balls?”

And our oxytocin generation drops off. The hugs and kisses that used to make it all bearable, just aren’t cutting it anymore. As a matter of fact, sometimes we have to fight off the urge to push those hugs away.

“Cannot I not just have some space here, please?”

Sounds bad, but is it really?

Well, in the beginning it can cause huge upheavals in our lives.

People who are used to having us do it all, become hurt and confused when we expect them to be responsible. The bad relationship which we were able to remain in all of a sudden becomes intolerable. The unfulfilling job becomes soul sucking.

Our life can literally go to Hades. Long standing relationships can die, and the world seems cold and dreary.

But, once the initial crisis has passed and the dust has settled, our lives become so much better.

We are now in complete control of what makes us happy and who makes us happy.

And just like Persephone, we return to the surface and everything around us blossoms.

Your turn:

• Where are you at in this cycle: nurturing others, going through Hades, nurturing yourself?
• How did those around you act when you started doing less for them, and more for you?

Suggested Reading:

The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northrup
Fifty is the New Fifty by Suzanne Braun Levine

Note: both books are available through the Silver & Grace Amazon link