Sex and the Woman over 40

I have never understood the concept that a woman’s sex life is over past the age of 40. I like sex. All my female friends like sex. Heck, I would even go so far as to say we love sex!

Even when our bodies think we don’t love sex, we dive right in — in a manner of speaking — and pretty soon our bodies catch up to our minds.

I have decided to take it upon myself to promote the acceptability of us older gals enjoying sex. I think it is a very noble goal. Don’t you agree?

To that end, I have asked Joanna Cake to do a return guest post engagement and tell us all about her attitudes to sex after the age of 40.

You remember, as a teenager, how you used to think it was disgusting if you got even the whiff of an idea that your parents might be having sex?

Well, that’s pretty much the way most people seem to feel about the possibility that women over 40 might actually enjoy sex.

Films like The Graduate paint such women as voracious huntresses, intent on capturing and devouring any young man who strays into their path.

The media pounces on the so-called cougar generation of older women with younger male partners, like Demi Moore with Ashton Kutcher, and tries to vilify or, worse, mock them.

It’s official, once you’re 40, you’re supposed to be dead below the waist! After all, with all that hormonal menopausal stuff, your bits have all dried up anyway. It’s common knowledge that that’s what happens. Who wants to think about all that friction? Ewwww… old lady sex!

OK, this may come as something of a shock but, at around 40, women actually reach their peak sexually. This is because the hormonal imbalance allows the ratio of testosterone to oestrogen and progesterone to become greater. Which is why most women get a sudden surge in their libido.

Unfortunately, for a lot of women, this is also about the time that they realise their current relationship is seriously underperforming on just about every level. Prior to the testosterone rush, the state of their love life meant that they really couldn’t be bothered with sex and were looking forward to the Menopause when they wouldn’t have to deal with it any more.

And, suddenly, there they are, with all this rampant sexual appetite and no man with whom to share it. Cue an obsession with vibrators and other girl toys to satisfy these overwhelming desires.

However, should this unbalanced woman come into contact with a man whose pheromones can push all her buttons… well, there are going to be fireworks in the bedroom department.

Yup, I can tell you this from personal experience.

I was just minding my own business. I knew I was no longer in love with my husband and didn’t fancy him any more but I had made my peace with this and accepted that it was going to be me and the toys until the Menopause kicked in and then I wouldn’t want to have sex any more anyway.

Of course, I didn’t take ‘the Ruf factor’ into the equation. At a seminar, I was saying goodbye to a bunch of old male friends with a hug and peck on the cheek and Ruf was in the group so it seemed rude to just ignore him. I reached up to kiss his cheek and it was as if the 1812 overture went off in my head.

I turned away for a moment and he was gone.

To cut a long story short, six months later, I was driving 160 miles to visit him in his bachelor flat and my sex life went into overdrive for the next four years.

Sadly, the last few months of missing periods have seen my libido take a bit of a nosedive but there is no stopping Ruf’s manly urges and, when we are together, my body just responds to his.

Now, I’m really lucky because my lover takes the time to research the best way to stimulate my recalcitrant bodily parts into achieving orgasms that are even more electrifying than they were four years ago. It just takes a bit more emotional commitment.

The root of a lot of problems is body dysmorphia. Whilst our minds mature like a mellow wine, our bodies tend to age like a dried up prune. But, as Ruf says, “I love you because of your imperfections. I see a woman who has carried children, a woman who has lived through a lot of challenges and come through to the other side victorious.”

With a man who feels like that snuggled up next to you, who wouldn’t want to have sex?

And I intend to continue enjoying it until I’m extremely old indeed!

More information!

Joanna Cake writes about everything that life has to throw at her at Having My Cake and Eating It Too and regularly contributes to Tighten My Vagina, a site that tries to address the sexual effects of the Menopause.

If you haven’t already done so, please read Joanna’s very sensitive and poignant post here at Silver & Grace on anorexia, A woman’s journey from anorexia to self-love.

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