The Story Behind – Gogo’s Dream: Swaziland Discovered
I’m not one for poetry, okay, unless it is by a children’s poet like Shel Silverstein or Dennis Lee. But grown up adult poetry just doesn’t grab me. I can list exactly three poems I like:
The Jabberwocky
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
The Creation of Sam McGee
That’s it, that’s all!
Until I was sent some poetry by Linda M. Rhinehart Neas from her book Gogo’s Dream: Swaziland Discovered. And what makes her poems even more awesome is the story behind her collection.
But I’ll let Linda tell that story.
Four years ago, two things happened. I became a grandmother for the first time and my life was touched by the writing of a young Australian doctor, who later introduced me to the Gogo’s (grandmothers) of Swaziland.
Dr. Maithri Goonetilleke is the co-founder of Possible Dreams International (PDI), a non-profit organization that brings aid to the Gogos, their families and communities. My connection to the Gogos grew through posts on his blog, his poetry and the photos sent from his visits to Swaziland. After all, as a grandmother myself, I could empathize with their fears and joys half way around the world.
Last year, when PDI was first established, I began brainstorming ways I could help support the efforts of Maithri and the team in Swaziland. My greatest talent is my writing, but how could I use it to benefit the Gogos?
Interestingly, a trip to the local historic society gave me the answer I was looking for at that time. There in the museum store was a book written by a local other. The author stated on the back cover that all proceeds from the sale of the book would go to the museum. Immediately, I knew what I would do.
Coincidentally, the Poem-a-Day Challenge had just begun. The facilitator suggested that we write our poems with a theme in mind. Swaziland came immediately to mind. Each day, I would look at the prompt for the view of the people and places in Swaziland.
Some of the poems illustrate the pain and suffering of the Gogos and their communities, some tell of the beauty of the land and the creatures there and some tell of life in Swaziland. I tried to paint a full and holistic picture of this land I have yet to visit.
When inspiration was slow in coming, I would look at the pictures of the Gogos with their grandchildren gathered around them. Almost immediately, the words would come pouring out. By the end of the challenge, I had a book of poems.
Through contacts, I learned about Blurb.com, through which I published my book. It was a great self-publishing experience. They give you the software to set up the book. They even offer a program for books that are fundraisers. Readers can get a sneak peak at: http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/1321608
It is my hope that this book will educate, enlighten and inspire others. All of the profits go directly to PDI. It is amazing how far a small amount of money can go in helping the Gogos and their communities.
To learn more about PDI and the Gogos, go to http://www.possibledreamsinternational.org.
More information!
I have to include one of Linda’s poems:
Gogo’s Dream by Linda M. Rhinehart Neas © 2010
For the Gogos (Grandmothers) of Swaziland
African sun burns deep into your soul
As red-clay dust envelops your thoughts.
In the distance, the sound of a child
Crying, sobbing, wrenches your gut.
You kneel beside a Gogo,
Who exists only for her grandchildren.
Eighteen bodies crowd around -
Their faces belie their ages.
Babies who have seen too much -
Old before their time, yet,
Once smiles rise from the depths
Of their longing – they are young, again.
African moon pours silence over you
As night sings songs of sleep.
Gogo’s hut shines from within.
You stand outside wondering -
Perhaps it is a dream…
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Interview: Barbara Barth author of The Unfaithful Widow
I loved reading Barbara Barth’s The Unfaithful Widow. Barbara lost a husband just as she was turning sixty. The book chronicles the first year after her husband died.
To find out more about the book, you can check out my book review by clicking here. However, I want to talk about Barbara!
Since my review, Barbara and I have been kibitzing back and forth. The honesty I encountered in her book is the honesty I find in these interactions. So, I knew that I could ask Barbara some pretty ‘out there’ questions on behalf of the Silver & Grace community and get back some very honest answers.
True to form, that is exactly what Barbara gave me.
Eliza asked:
You started dating shortly after the death of your husband. I remember when a family member started dating shortly after the death of his beloved wife there were rumblings of shock. I think it is a testament to how good the marriage was. What are your thoughts on this?
Barbara answered:
I started dating three months after my husband died. My circumstances were very simple. I did not have children. I did not have a job. I had no place to be. Dating was a way for me to get dressed and to get out at night. I liked the e-mails and anticipation of dating more than the actual date. But no matter how or why, it was dating and I was very fortunate that my family and friends did not pass judgment on my choices. They were supportive of me. I think my mother was thrilled I didn’t just curl up on the couch and wither away.
I didn’t feel insecure with myself, more shocked at the oddity of the men I met, and I owe that to the fact I was happy and in love with my husband. I do believe that a healthy marriage is a good foundation to build a new life. I didn’t have to worry about how we were all those years, just how was I going to be on my own. I did have a very bad date put a time frame of one year and one day as the proper amount of time that showed respect. I wrote about him in The Widow Rule.
At a time of loss you have to find your own way and to have your family and friends give you that freedom is a gift.
Eliza asked:
You are in your sixties and you love sex. *gasp* In your book, you even describe a friend with whom you have sex, with no expectation from either of you that the friendship will deepen into more than that. *double gasp*
Seriously, though, good on you. Do you find that it is more acceptable now to openly talk about sex for the sake of enjoying sex, or do we still need to sugar coat it with talk of love and intimacy to make it acceptable?
Barbara answered:
Is this where I become the poster widow for friends with benefits? This question made me smile and then *gasp*. Just how to answer a question that has never been a question for me?
In the years before I met my husband the only issue my generation had was pregnancy, as in how not to get pregnant if you were having sex. All the health issues out there today were not yet a factor in my dark ages of dating. Then I had twenty-five years with one man where sex was as normal as any other activity I did.
It was actually a shock when I realized I no longer had a sex partner. How do you handle that? I don’t believe in casual sex, yet I certainly did not want to go without sex.
I bring sex into my book in a playful way to show women you can have sex, enjoy it and come away feeling empowered and good about yourself. I think being realistic about what you are doing is much healthier than trying to sugar coat it as something it isn’t. That can only lead to problems and heartache.
I think the best way to live life is to be honest with yourself and do what is comfortable for you. I am an advocate that you need to be aware of the health issues involved with unprotected sex and cover your bases so to speak if you are having sex.
I was in a lecture the other day where the teacher was talking about writing about sex in fiction. His advice was to keep it in line with how your characters would act or else it won’t seem natural and you could look foolish. The teacher was someone I knew and after class I went up to tell him how much I enjoyed his session. I then added, “You know, you made me realize I wrote about the sex in my book exactly as you said…. of course, then I added in the dog.”
He gave me a funny look, but I know he went to buy a copy of my book the next day.
Which I believe leads me to the next question.
Eliza asked:
When I realized how bad a former relationship was that I was in, I went out and got a kitten. Then when I left that relationship, and moved out on my own, I got another kitten. Your dogs are very much a part of your life. In your book, you talk about how your rescue dogs helped rescue you. Can you expand on how having pets helps in the healing process?
Barbara answered:
I love dogs. Animals have always been a part of my life. I can’t imagine not having one. I never imagined having six.
My dogs make every day a Disney movie. When I come home at night there is a riot of activity that gives energy to my house. It is no longer quiet. I have six dogs jumping on me, rolling over each other, trying to get my attention. How can you not laugh and find happiness with a madcap scene like that?
My book ends with a PS where my fourth dog is introduced. Within a few months I added numbers five and six to the pack. Each dog brings something new to the household.
The first rescue dog to come home with me was Bray, an Afghan mix. Troubled and untrusting he has finally come out of his shell. Watching him blossom taught me that fear can be overcome with love and patience.
Annabelle, the matronly hound dog was finally that lap dog I wanted. She crawled in bed with me the first night and as I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head I was gleeful I finally found my answer for a bedmate. I had the best night’s sleep in a year that night.
Having one dog you see how the dog interacts with you. When you start adding dogs it is amazing to see the social structure they have with each other. I am fortunate my dogs all get along. So there is no trouble, just a big love fest at this household.
The dogs keep me focused on a daily routine where I have none most days. I am still a caregiver around them.
The dogs are a great judge of character and help me weed out the lemons. The last male in this household ran out saying he had a headache. The dogs will screen all my dates from now on. Maybe there will be a guy who thinks I need seven dogs. He will be a keeper.
More information!
If you too want to kibitz with Barbara, please head over to her blog Confessions of the Unfaithful Widow. I know she’ll be pleased to meet you.
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Body image: Are we looking forward to aging?
We have come to the last post in our Body Image series. It’s been a interesting journey of discovery as to how we view ourselves.
Let’s do a quick recap, before we tackle our final question from the Silver & Grace Body Image Survey.
No, we don’t! Over 60% of us do not love our bodies. And it turns out it is the younger gals who are the least impressed.
Are we willing to go under the knife?
We may not love our bodies,but nor are we willing to do anything surgical about it.
Apparently, we are not. Over 60% of the respondants do not currently consider themselves sexy.
Actually, no surprise here. Love our legs, breasts, face and hair. Anything to do with hips, butt, and stomach. Nope!
Who do we compare ourselves to?
No illusions here. We do not compare ourselves to media images, nor to women younger than ourselves. Just to our peers.
Are we satisfied with our weight?
Only about 10% of us are happy with our weight. The rest of us are watching the numbers on the scale, hoping they will go down.
And now to answer the final survey question.
Are we looking forward to aging?
Bear in mind as we go through this analysis, the average life expectancy for females is age 80.
So, let’s started with the eldest amongst us.
In the age 70 and over crowd, two-thirds are okay with the aging process, while the other third dread it. It would be interesting to know if this one-third is dealing with failing health. At this age, I would imagine this could be quite alarming.
Our 60 to 69 year olds were split evenly between being okay with the aging process and begrudgingly accepting it. Nobody loved it and nobody dreaded it. Nice and middle of the road.
Onto our 50 to 59 year olds. Almost half are okay with aging. The other half begrudgingly accept it. A handful dread it, and one dear soul loves aging. You go, girl!
Moving on to those who have lived approximately half their lives, the 40 to 49 year olds. Almost all of them are okay with aging process. A small handful begrudgingly accept it. And one loves it. Again … you go, girl!
Last, but certainly not least, the young ‘uns. The under 40 group.
Half begrudgingly accept the aging process. The other half dread it. Except for that one lone voice who loves it. She also gets a you go, girl!
Notice that nobody under the age of 40 is okay with the aging process. They are either resigned to it, or fear it.
Ladies, it ain’t all that bad! Look what your older sisters have to say. Once you get over 40, you no longer dread aging.
Personally, I fall into the ‘I am okay with aging process’ group. At age 47, I have my wrinkles. If I pull a muscle, it takes longer to heal. I wear glasses for reading. I have inexplicable aches and pains that come and go. ‘
But I am stronger than I have ever been in my life. Not so much physically, but I have learned stick-to-it-tive-ness. So, while I can’t lift and haul as much at any given time, I will work at it longer. And while I can’t run the way I used to, I can go for an over 2 hour power walk and not get bored.
Ask me how old I am, and I have to do the math. The number of my age means absolutely nothing to me.
It’s not like I feel 25 or 30 or 40. It’s just that how long I have lived, and how long I have to live is not even a consideration.
I simply am.
And I will leave you all with this:
You’re not supposed to walk into your grave perfectly preserved,
made up,
and hair in place!
No!
Slide in sideways,
body completely used up,
martini in one hand,
chocolate bar in the other screaming,
“what a ride!”
Your turn:
Name one thing you are looking forward to as you age.
Name one thing you are not looking forward to as you age.
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Graceful Women: Why I went gray; or, conversations with Ed
The top post at Silver & Grace, based on search hits, is Gray hair can be beautiful and sexy. Here I briefly touch on my own decision to go gray, and display a photo of myself in all my gray haired glory.
It’s a hot topic, this going gray business. Hot enough for Anne Kreamer to write an entire book on it, which I reviewed and then gave away in a contest.
Andrea Squires was the lucky winner of the contest, and receipt of the book coincided with her own going gray transition. I asked Andrea to tell her going gray journey, and what she shared was incredible story of self acceptance.
Here is Andrea’s story:
I decided to let my hair go gray for the same reason I had changed my hair color a million times: I was bored.
Or so I thought.
As I went through the tedious and sometimes disturbing process of letting my reddish-brown hair turn to pepper-and-salt, it turned out that my reasons went deeper. I had many pillow conversations about it with Ed, often at 3:00 am.
Ed always lets me know his opinions. A head-butt means “more scratching, now” and a gentle bite means “shut up, I’m trying to sleep.” Ed is 19, old for a cat, and did not get this far by letting the Meaning of Life interrupt his sleep.
In the end, letting my hair go gray is an outward sign of finally accepting me. I’m 49, never married, no children, unless you count Ed (which he does). As a young woman, I fell in love with theatre. I struggled to make a living as a performer. Gradually, I got tired of the road and ramen noodles, and settled to jobs in the computer industry. I stayed in Dilbert-Land for close to a decade, gaining weight and feeling trapped.
Three years ago, something in me woke up. On impulse, I applied for a dream job teaching presentation at a major museum—and got the job! I moved to Virginia, and started performing in a storytelling program.
Through teaching and stories, I discovered my own voice. As children and adults listened to me, I found that I valued myself. There is a strong folk tradition that age is strength, not weakness. From studying the stories of many cultures, I’m learning that age is an honorable, earned state and not a deficit.
Singlehood can be hard, as can the choice not to have children. Over the years, when I felt internal or external pressures to find a mate, I was prey to what I call the magic “If …”
“If I were 30 pounds lighter I would be sexy …”
“If my hair were that color, I could look younger …”
“If I were more disciplined, I could (fill-in-the-blank) …”
Sound familiar? I hated my body, my face, my hair, my personality … you name it, I thought it should change. I lived for a magical time when all the “Ifs” would come true. But that time never comes. It’s a mirage.
So I’m working on losing the “Ifs”—all but one. If I don’t try to appreciate who I am right now, warts and all, I will simply waste more of my precious life.
Ed would be biting my hand about now, so I’ll finish with my favorite moment from going gray. A young hairstylist commented that if I didn’t color my hair I would “look older.” Without really thinking about it, I smiled and said, “That’s OK with me.”
Your turn
Do you have a personal story to share? Silver & Grace is always looking for stories that turn the theory into reality. To submit your story click here.
Is there a topic related to the spiritual or physical aspect of aging gracefully that you would like to see covered? Please send post ideas to Eliza by using the Silver & Grace contact form.
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Aging and failing eyesight
My eyes are dim, I cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me
I have noooooootttt brought myyyyyyy specs with me.
Do you remember this campfire song? It was one of my favourites.
While I singing it, I always imagined an ancient man peering through his glasses. After all, only really old people need glasses. I’d be at least 80 before I ever needed them.
Uh-huh.
Then I turned 40 and found myself doing the page adjust. That’s when you push a piece of paper away from your face, and then pull it back in until you can see it.
Next came struggles in dim lighting. Cozy restaurants are the worst for this. I could get Mr Very Right to read the menu on the Quebec side of the border by using the I don’t understand the French line. But there were no excuses on the Ontario side. I do understand English.
And finally, fine print. One squiggly blurring mess.
There was no fighting it any longer; it was time for glasses.
I took my daughter with me to pick them out, and I actually like them. I think they are sexy. But since they live in my purse, there are times when I am too lazy to go get them, and I’m left squinty and guessing at the print.
On those occassions, my eyes are dim, I cannot see.
What happens to our eyesight was we age?
Between the age of 40 to 50, the eye lens starts to harden. Our lens needs to change shape in order to focus. This ability is becomes restricted as we get older.
This hardening of the lens is caused presbyopia.
Can we prevent presbyopia?
No, sorry, it’s a fact of life. Presbyopia is not an eye disease, rather it is a normal aging process. Just like wrinkles, it’s going to happen no matter what.
What can we do to make it easier to see?
Well, reading glasses is the obvious answer. And in the beginning, you can even pick them up relatively cheaply at the drug store. You will eventually need a proper eye exam to determine the right prescription.
Laser surgery will temporarily fix presbyopia, but studies have found that this is only a temporary solution. Your eyesight will continue to diminish over time.
You can also keep you eyes healthy by
- controlling chronic conditions like diabetes
- protecting your eyes from the sun
- preventing eye injury by using protective glasses
- eating lots of fruits and leafy green vegetables
- using good lighting
Should we get our eyes checked even if we suspect it’s presbyopia?
Yes, because the symptoms you are experiencing may actually be an eye disease, such as:
- cataracts
- glaucoma
- macular degeneration
These diseases can lead to permanent loss of vision and need to identified and treated early.
Like I said, I love my glasses. And if I’m seeing anything related to the rest of the campfire song, it’s not due to failing eyesight.
There’s a bear, bear, in his underwear
In the store, in the store …
Your turn:
- My eyesight pet peeve is fine print on pill bottles. What’s yours?
- Those of you with glasses, did you opt for reading glasses that you take off and put on as needed, or glasses you wear all the time?
Suggested reading:
Eyesight: The effect of age
Presbyopia
Eye Diseases
Book review: Living Agelessly by Linda Altoonian
Living Agelessly is written by Linda Altoonian, author of the Dear Ageless column, which appears in several journals, and the AP Wire Service. This book came about in response to the many letters she has received to the column, plus her own experiences on aging, and the elder care of her parents.
I have to admit, the book is not what I expected, only in that I found the topics rather eclectic. However, once I settled into the fact that it was a response to common concerns she has received over the years, I found it very interesting.
Who is this book directed at?
This book is not specifically targeted to women, rather it is for Baby Boomers, both male and female. Ms. Altoonian describes Boomers in the following way:
Every year, 4 million baby boomers turn 50, but we refuse to be downsized or ignored. Controlling over 48 percent of all discretionary purchases, baby boomers are the most educated, proactive, and affluent consumer group in North America. We will read, do, and buy whatever it takes to remain as young and healthy as possible, for as long as possible.
She then goes onto say that
Our attitude about aging is different from any previous generation – and attitude dictates how successfully a person will grow.
The main focus of the book, therefore, is about creating a healthy attitude about aging in all aspects of our lives.
What topics are covered?
As mentioned, the topics are quite varied. The following subjects are covered:
- mind-body-spirit connection;
- diet;
- exercise;
- travel;
- volunteering;
- grandparenting;
- age proofing your home;
- driving;
- scams and frauds;
- personal safety;
- depression, fear, grief;
- gratitude.
Is it a read cover-to-cover book, or a reference book?
The book is structured more like a reference book. The Introduction describes the contents of each chapter in a fair amount of detail. Based on that, you can flip to the chapter that is relevant to you at the time. For example, if you are planning on travelling, that chapter offers practical advice on how to travel safely, and what your various travel options are.
Is the advice relevant to a global audience?
I found that is the one short-coming of this book, as it is directed towards a United States audience. Specifically when she is talking about legislation, resources, and volunteering opportunities. However, there is enough generic information surrounding the audience specific advice to allow the reader to look up the equivalent resources in their own country.
Will this book assist me with elder care?
Yes, although sometimes the lines are blurred as to when she is speaking about taking care of ourselves versus taking care of our parents. But, she definitely talks about topics relevant to the 70 Plus crowd, such as:
- making the decision to give up driving;
- age proofing the home against accidents;
- challenges associated with a failing body and mind.
This is a book of action. Each chapter starts off with a letter from her column, and Ms. Altoonian’s response to that letter. She then describes the philosophy behind that topic, but the meat of each chapter is practical advice on how to put that philosophy into action.
I found the advice very beneficial, and I will be returning to the book when I have specific plans, such as travel or volunteering, in mind.
