What are you really holding on to…and why?

In response to my post on Making decluttering painless, Janice Hunter and I got into a discussion on the psychology behind clutter.

Please welcome Janice to Silver & Grace, where she discusses why we surround ourselves in clutter, and solutions for digging out.

Your conscious mind has learned to ignore untidy shelves or rooms filled with old things. But your unconscious mind is overworked and weighed down by these things. It becomes free only when you get the stuff out of your house. ~ Tiki Kustenmacher

I turned fifty recently, and my birthday brought with it a visceral longing, a craving to get clean and clear, to pare my house down to the basics so I could crawl out from under the weight of ill health, exhaustion and overwhelm, to build a bridge between a past that was anchoring me and a future beckoning me like the promise of a sea breeze.

We’ve all had that feeling at some time, that driving urge to declutter, but why does the clutter mount up in the first place? And I’m not just talking about clutter; I mean anything that clogs our spirit and bogs down our days: unfinished jobs, unwritten letters, stains and broken appliances are all tolerations dragging us down. Lots of posts give tips for getting rid of clutter, but maybe if we look at why we hold on to stuff, it’ll help us get rid of it permanently.

Insecurity or ego

Do you keep objects to show who you are, how well you’ve done, how much you earn, how artistic, creative, well-read or well-loved you are? Or do you keep them because they’re insanely useful or still fill you with delight and inspiration?

Cure

Ask yourself why you display things, why you keep things. If they’re for you and your family, and they’re well-loved and useful, keep the most precious, take care of them and enjoy them. But if ego is in the picture at all, and you care what folk think, ask yourself what other folk are actually seeing. Is it clutter? Mess? Vanity? A disorganised mind? Pride? Insecurity? Cloying sentimentality? More money than sense? How many books are on your bookshelves simply to show people what you’ve read? Is your home office overflowing because you want folk to think you’re a very busy person?

Laziness and because we can…

Sometimes we get overwhelmed without realising, but sometimes we’re simply lazy and it’s just easier to acquire and store than it is to get rid of stuff. Maybe you don’t think of it as clutter if it’s tidily hidden away in the attic, the garage, the basement, the spare room or the closet in your study. Maybe you have so much space, it became easy to acquire and store stuff without you having to think much about the eventual consequences. But your unconscious brain knows it’s all there, and the more it mounts up, the less in control you feel.

Cure

Create a vibrant vision. If you’re lucky enough to have more rooms than you need, you could seriously consider the advantages of downsizing to gain financial freedom. Or if that’s not an option, consider how wonderful it might feel to give each room its distinct purpose back.

Imagine having…

• …a tempting guest bedroom you long to fill with visiting loved ones; imagine a beautifully dressed bed and empty drawers and wardrobes waiting for a guest to fill them.
• …a garage empty enough to get a car in, with enough space to reach essential tools easily.
• …a basement empty enough to be a freshly decorated deluxe laundry room or a gleaming sports room/gym or a den.
• …a study that’s organised and inspirational, with everything in its place.
• …a clean, bright and tidy attic you can use to recycle belongings so they keep their energy when you bring them back down to the house. Is your attic scary, or a place that kids love visiting with you because it’s a treasure trove of clean, interesting objects waiting to make a seasonal appearance?

If you have a vision of where everything should go, then it becomes easier and emotionally less overwhelming to make the effort to put something in the right place. It also becomes less tempting to ruin beautiful new spaces by filling them with objects that don’t have a natural home there. Ask yourself what’s more enticing: keeping Aunt Edna’s horrible tea service or freeing up the space the box is currently taking up? Which brings me to…

Respect for others…

Many of us keep unwanted objects because they’ve become synonymous with those who have bequeathed them or given them to us as presents.

Cure

Take digital photos and start believing that possessions are objects, simply objects. Then give them away, recycle them or bin them.

A present isn’t an object; the gift is the thought and the love that went into it, and no-one can take that away. The object is yours to do what you want with. Any one who loves and respects you will understand that. Their love is not stored in the object. If you don’t love the object or it’s not insanely useful but instead is depleting your space, your simplicity and your fresh energy, then what they’ve actually given you (or bequeathed) might be clutter, sadness, an organisational headache, extra cleaning, the expense of storing, the bother of auctioning off or selling, or the guilt and anxiety of having to hide it and pretend. I’ve never looked back since the day someone asked where I’d put a gift they’d given me and I explained that it wasn’t my style but that someone else had loved it and we’d swapped.

Fear

Many of us hold onto objects out of fear of what folk will say if we get rid of them; we’re afraid to offend, to lose friends, to hurt others.

We’re also afraid of lack; what if we need something in the future, if something breaks or we lose it? What if we don’t have enough money to replace it?

There’s also the fear that if we get rid of objects, we’ll forget folk, lose our precious memories.

Fear is also one of the many reasons people keep books, the fear of boredom or loneliness as well as the fear of forgetting information. Some folk think they’ll never be lonely or bored if their home is bulging with books, picture frames or ornaments to dust and clean and rearrange. But are they taking the place of a home filled with friends or a future as tempting as a blank canvas?

Cure

Trust. Trust that you’ll always have exactly what the universe thinks you need. Trust that the heart will always, always remember what’s most precious, with or without prompts. Trust that when it comes to material objects, you need less and will be happier with less. Trust that decluttering will make you richer, slimmer, sharper and more energised. Trust that it will save you time.

Go digital. Take digital photos, scan documents and get books on Kindle. Donate books to charity shops, schools and hospitals, or to the library; if they’re in your local library, they’ll be there if you panic and need to access one. Investigate http://www.bookcrossing.com and set your books free. Sell them on Amazon or Ebay, in car boot sales or yard sales.

The need to provide

Some parents feel they have to pass on objects as a legacy, not just their own possessions and their children’s memorabilia but antiques, property and valuables.

Cure

Pass them on now and watch their distressed faces as you clog up their homes while they stand there stoically, unable to say “No thank you”, because they love and respect you. Or let them earmark a few objects now, so you’ll know there will be no squabbling or disappointment after you go. Better still, bequeath an empty attic and happy memories to your loved ones when you go, maybe money, if there’s any left over from you living a full and generous life.

The need to collect

I read somewhere that it’s a human need to identify with something, like a totem, and that really resonated with me. Collections help us bring order into the overwhelming number of things the world has to offer us. But there’s a difference between selective, systematic collecting and simply keeping things.

Some of us inherit collections, and as I’ve mentioned above, some people feel they’re doing it to provide for others or out of respect for the dead. Some people collect because they experienced hardship in the past, some because they’re passionate, maybe obsessed. Some people keep their collections simply because so much money has been spent on them.

Cure

Learn to see your own collecting as a search. Ask yourself what you’re really searching for. If you can’t part with an inherited collection but would like to, ask yourself what your deceased loved one really wanted you to have. Then you can keep the emotion and part with the objects. Sell unwanted collections to folk who would love them more. Keep only a few potent, symbolic pieces.

Emotional constipation

There is a clear link between obesity, depression and clutter collection. Obesity is often associated with emotional constipation; some folk can’t get rid of the physical memorabilia associated with certain emotions and the body switches over to store or self-protection mode, too. Clutter blocks the flow of energy, happiness and prosperity in our lives.

Cure

Treat your body and home as precious shelters for your spirit. Get very clear about what you need, then get those needs filled healthily, not through impulse buying, acquiring possessions or overeating. Only the best and most nourishing of food and possessions should be allowed into your life. Less is best. Get energetic about decluttering, and you’ll see the weight disappearing. Strip away the clutter that anchors you to the past, and enjoy some emotional freedom as your body lets go of its protective layers, too.

Seek out healthy fuel for the body and spirit, and watch as your life becomes more vibrant.

This approach to decluttering may feel like opening Pandora’s Box, not a treasure chest, but when you’ve faced up to what you’re holding onto and why, I promise you, you’ll find hope at the bottom of the box.

(Janice Hunter is an IAC certified homelife coach. You can connect with her at http://sharingthejourney.co.uk/)

Your turn

• Do you recognize any of the above clutter ‘ills’?
• How much emotional attachment do you place on your ’stuff’ and why?

Making decluttering painless

You’ve been living in the house forever, or the kids have finally moved out, or you thinking of downsizing. So, you take a good look around and you suddenly realize how much stuff you have! It’s time to pare down and declutter.

In recent years, I have gone through this process twice. First, I moved out of 2200 square foot home, into an 800 square foot apartment. Then, I moved into Mr. Very Right’s, and helped him sort through the accumalation of over a dozen years of marriage, and two years of bachelorhood.

It seems like a very daunting task to sort through everything. However, some planning and tools it really isn’t that bad. And the benefits are well worth it in the end.

Where do you even start?

I started with the area that most irritated me, the kitchen. Nothing in Mr. Very Right’s kitchen was in a logical or efficient place. As well, we were combining kitchen tools and appliances, so decisions had to take place on what to keep.  Or, start in an area of the house that is least used. you won’t disrupt the household,while you form decluttering habits.

Wherever you start, start small. Tackle:

• a corner of a room;
• a closet;
• a shelf;
• a drawer.

How much time is this going to take you?

It took me several months to go through Mr. Very Right’s from top to bottom. But don’t let this scare you off. The trick is to only work on a task for 1 to 2 hours maximum. I literally set a timer, quitting as soon as it went off. This keeps you from getting overwhelmed.

It also helps you stay focused on a selected area. Just keep plugging away at one section, in manageable time chunks, until it’s done. Then you can stand back and see your accomplishment; motivation for moving onto the next section.

How do you make this as painless as possible?

If you go in with a plan for how you are going to sort, and stick to that plan, it’s really quite simple. While professional organizers may differ on the number of bins, they all agree you should have bins to sort into. At the bare minimum, you need three bins:

1. Give Away
2. Throw Away
3. Keep

However, you can get fancy and divide up the bins into:

1. Give to family and friends
2. Give to charities
3. Put in garbage
4. Recycle
5. Put away
6. Repair then put away

How do you know what goes in each bin?

I was very strict about what I kept, based on very simple advice from a professional organizer. I asked myself three key questions:

1. Do I use this item daily?
2. Do I use this item seasonally?
3. Do I really love this item?

If I couldn’t answer yes to at least one of those questions, out it went.

However, in the process be prepared to experience an emotional roller-coaster, as you take a trip down memory lane. This may even include some tears. That’s okay. Experience those emotions, take a break if you need to, then come back to focusing on sorting.

The house is all decluttered, so now what?

Keeping your household clutter free is a habit that needs to be developed. I have formed this habit over 3 years, but it’s a new concept to Mr. Very Right. To help him, we do regular decluttering the night before the cleaning service arrives.

You can also:

• have a 1 in 1 out policy such that if something comes into the house, something has to leave;
• ask yourself the Do I love it?/Do I need it? questions before you buy something;
• have a designated place for an item before you purchase it.

Is it really worth all this effort?

A cluttered house is actually associated with a great many emotional and psychological issues, such as:

• lethargy;
• procrastination;
• family disharmony;
• living in the past.

When Mr. Very Right and I finished sorting through all his stuff, he could not believe how mentally and emotionally lighter he felt.

And when it does come time to move to that nice smaller retirement home, you will be ready to go!

Suggested Reading:

The Power of Decluttering
Downsizing From the Family Home
Pitch, pile or file?

Your turn:

• What tricks do you have for keeping clutter free and organized?
• Do you have a particular area in the house that routinely gets out of control?