Graceful Women: Taking Care of Mom

Welcome to the very first in my Graceful Women Series. Stories where we move past the theory, and hear how women really experience life after forty.

I am honoured to have Lori Hoeck, from Think Like A Black Belt, share her story on Taking Care of Mom.

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Most of my life, my mother had more physical stamina than most men. Even when camping in her seventies, she’d rise first, start the campfire, and make coffee for everyone. Horses obeyed her, fish feared her, and the outdoors gave her strength.

Recently my mother, now 80 and diagnosed with both Alzheimer’s and dementia, fell out of bed and had to get x-rays at the ER. As of 6 months ago, she couldn’t figure out how to make coffee. She often confuses her television remote with her cell phone. Her short-term memory loss can be as short as 30 seconds, yet she’ll fixate for days over something worrying her. In the last year I had to take charge of all her finances, medical care, and dietary needs.

 I am now my mother’s mom.

At first, the realities of my mother’s decline felt like being gut punched every day. Then I became a yo-yo between hopeless depression and small moments of surrender, grace, and understanding. Thankfully I finally surrendered this situation to Jesus Christ, and I fall into the latter category more and more often. It’s because God is teaching me:

• Compassion and patience comes from letting go of agendas and ego
• Love grows as we lessen our fears, denial, and excuses
• Kindness blossoms when we see others as no different than ourselves

The last lesson is hard. It’s simply too easy to see people with Alzheimer’s and dementia as different not only from normal people, but also from their old selves. But they really aren’t that different. We all need love and appreciation. The best way I can sum this up is by including a tale adapted from the Brothers Grimm:

Grandmother’s Table

Once there was a feeble old woman whose husband died and left her all alone, so she went to live with her son and his wife and their own little daughter.

Every day the old woman’s sight dimmed and her hearing grew worse, and sometimes at dinner her hands trembled so badly the peas rolled off her spoon or the soup ran from her cup. The son and his wife could not help but be annoyed at the way she spilled her meal all over the table.

And one day, after she knocked over a glass of milk, they told each other that enough is enough. They set up a small table for her in the corner next to the broom closet and made the old woman eat her meals there. She sat all alone, looking with tear-filled eyes across the room at the others. Sometimes they spoke to her while they ate, but usually it was to scold her for dropping a bowl or a fork.

One evening just before dinner, the little girl was busy playing on the floor with her building blocks, and her father asked her what she was making. “I’m building a little table for you and mother,” she smiled, “so you can eat by yourselves in the corner someday when I get big.”

Her parents sat staring at her for some time and then suddenly both began to cry. That night they led the old woman back to her place at the big table.

From then on she ate with the rest of the family, and her son and his wife never seemed to mind a bit when she spilled something every now and then.

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Caregiving is a gift. It is the opportunity to look deep inside ourselves to find patience, compassion, love, peace, and clarity. Tough journey, yes, but great is the reward.

Alex Fayle on Someday Syndrome in Women Over Forty

Alex Fayle is on a mission to eradicate the word Someday from everyone’s vocabulary. He is author of the Someday My Ship Will Come In workbook, and a Someday-Busting Coach.

I asked Alex to share his thoughts on how Someday Syndrome affects women over forty.

Both men and women harbour ‘Somedays’, but do you find that the reasons for clinging to Somedays are different between men and women? And if so, what are those differences?

Many women experience Someday Syndrome because of their commitments to others. They put their family before themselves. While I’ve spoken with many men who do not move forward because of the actions (or inactions) of others, women experience this pressure differently.

 Women don’t really think about what they want, or they think that what they want is less important. I’ve heard words like “not allowed” or “won’t let me” – and not just in a sexist denial-of-permission kind of way, but in things like “having to drive my children to their various activities won’t let me accomplish my own things.”

Amongst your female clients, and blog participants, what are the Someday struggles unique to the Forty Plus crowd?

Basically Somedays come to the surface and really make themselves felt whenever there’s a change in our environments. The external changes force people to turn off the autopilot and take stock of their lives.

This especially is a challenge for empty-nesters. When children leave home, suddenly a woman’s main priority changes – there aren’t a bunch of beings relying on her to take care of them anymore. Even women who have external careers and share parenting equally with their spouses will experiencing this more strongly then men – women are generally socialized to focus more on their children than on themselves. The removal of that focus can cause quite an upheaval in a woman’s life.

A lot of women in their 40s and 50s are balancing parenting, careers, and potentially elder care. What one piece of advice do you have to ensure they meet their own needs amongst all this giving?

Create boundaries between family and yourself, so that you can pursue your own interests. Take 30 minutes each day where no one interrupts you and find a place either in the house or outside (like a café) where no one else in the family will be.

You might have a million ideas of things you want to do, but don’t start any of them right away. Take a few weeks to ease into the new uninterrupted time and make sure it sticks. Let the family know that someone needs to be dying for them to interrupt you.

In this buildup period, don’t actually pursue your interest. Instead spend the time preparing your space. You might want to declutter your space, set up a private workspace, or if you go out to a café, just read or stare at the walls. Just enjoy the me-time without any pressure.

 Once everyone is used to you being alone for a bit each day and you’re not feeling guilty for taking it, now you can start pursuing your own interests, whatever they might be. And if you don’t know, this would be the point where you start some serious thought on what your Somedays are and how you might get rid of them.

Suggested Reading:

You can get more great advice on how to bust through your Somedays at Alex’s blogsite Someday Syndrome.

Please read my review on Alex’s great workbook Someday My Ship Will Come In. I am pleased to offer Alex’s book as an affliate marketer. It is available by clicking the Stop Waiting Start Living button under Silver & Grace Recommendations.

Your turn:

• Do you find you are putting your own dreams, hopes, and desires on hold while you take care of everyone else?
• Have you established the boundaries that Alex suggests, or do you need to start putting some in place?

Book review: Living Agelessly by Linda Altoonian

Living Agelessly is written by Linda Altoonian, author of the Dear Ageless column, which appears in several journals, and the AP Wire Service. This book came about in response to the many letters she has received to the column, plus her own experiences on aging, and the elder care of her parents.

I have to admit, the book is not what I expected, only in that I found the topics rather eclectic. However, once I settled into the fact that it was a response to common concerns she has received over the years, I found it very interesting.

Who is this book directed at?

This book is not specifically targeted to women, rather it is for Baby Boomers, both male and female. Ms. Altoonian describes Boomers in the following way:

Every year, 4 million baby boomers turn 50, but we refuse to be downsized or ignored. Controlling over 48 percent of all discretionary purchases, baby boomers are the most educated, proactive, and affluent consumer group in North America. We will read, do, and buy whatever it takes to remain as young and healthy as possible, for as long as possible.

She then goes onto say that

Our attitude about aging is different from any previous generation – and attitude dictates how successfully a person will grow.

The main focus of the book, therefore, is about creating a healthy attitude about aging in all aspects of our lives.

What topics are covered?

As mentioned, the topics are quite varied. The following subjects are covered:

• mind-body-spirit connection;
• diet;
• exercise;
• travel;
• volunteering;
• grandparenting;
• age proofing your home;
• driving;
• scams and frauds;
• personal safety;
• depression, fear, grief;
• gratitude.

Is it a read cover-to-cover book, or a reference book?

The book is structured more like a reference book. The Introduction describes the contents of each chapter in a fair amount of detail. Based on that, you can flip to the chapter that is relevant to you at the time. For example, if you are planning on travelling, that chapter offers practical advice on how to travel safely, and what your various travel options are.

Is the advice relevant to a global audience?

I found that is the one short-coming of this book, as it is directed towards a United States audience. Specifically when she is talking about legislation, resources, and volunteering opportunities. However, there is enough generic information surrounding the audience specific advice to allow the reader to look up the equivalent resources in their own country.

Will this book assist me with elder care?

Yes, although sometimes the lines are blurred as to when she is speaking about taking care of ourselves versus taking care of our parents. But, she definitely talks about topics relevant to the 70 Plus crowd, such as:

• making the decision to give up driving;
• age proofing the home against accidents;
• challenges associated with a failing body and mind.

This is a book of action. Each chapter starts off with a letter from her column, and Ms. Altoonian’s response to that letter. She then describes the philosophy behind that topic, but the meat of each chapter is practical advice on how to put that philosophy into action.

I found the advice very beneficial, and I will be returning to the book when I have specific plans, such as travel or volunteering, in mind.