Book review: I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway
I believe I can sum up Tracy McMillan’s book I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway in one word.
Gritty.
grit·ty
1. consisting of, containing, or resembling grit; sandy.
2. resolute and courageous; plucky
Yep, definitely gritty.
In a very good way, I might add!
Resembling grit
You know when you are walking along the beach and you get sand in your shoes? And the walk along the beach is extremely pleasurable, but the sandy grit in your shoes is a bit painful? That’s exactly what it felt like reading this book.
Extremely pleasurable because it is a well told and written story, and I didn’t want to put it down. A bit painful because Tracy was hitting just a little too close to home.
Not because my dad is a convicted pimp and drug dealer. Tracy’s dad is.
Not because my mom is a former prostitute. Tracy’s mom is.
Not because I have lived in foster homes. Tracy has.
Because Tracy all too well writes about what it is like to doubt being a desirable woman, worthy of a strong stable loving relationship. This I could relate to!
Regardless of childhood and upbringing, I am sure it is something we all struggle with as women at some point in our lives.
Resolute and courageous
Did I mention Tracy’s dad was convicted drug dealer and pimp, her mom was a former prostitute, and life consisted of foster care?
Sounds like the perfect recipe for an Oh Poor Victimized Me story.
Instead, what we get is an honest assessment of Tracy’s life with no trace of lingering bitterness. I say ‘lingering’ because she takes us through each emotion felt during the various stages of her life. Bitterness. Outrage. Anger. Grief. Fear. But it is very clear Tracy is simply reliving those emotions for us, not still trapped by them.
There is a very fine line between blaming someone for your undesirable behaviours, such as drug and alcohol abuse, and explaining your behaviours in terms of other people’s influence on your choices. It is all too easy to slip into absolving oneself of accountability over one’s actions.
However, Tracy takes a very interesting approach. Each chapter juxtaposes the events of her upbringing against the development of a more recent day relationship. In this way, we see how her past experiences led to her current choices. As do our own past experiences! But, there isn’t a trace of sensationalism or dramatizing to be found.
Instead, we see how one woman resolutely and courageously works her way through the pain and disappoints of childhood to become a strong, whole and healthy woman.
I would love to hear your thoughts
I summed up Tracy’s life story with the word gritty. If you were to write your life story, what one word would you use to sum it up?
More information!
Make sure you return on August 11, 2010, to win a copy of I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway.
You can follow Tracy McMillan on Twitter at http://twitter.com/TracyMcMillan
This book review was sponsored by TLC Book Tours. To read more reviews of I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway, please check out the schedule by clicking here.
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Interview: author Gina Barreca
Loved Gina Barreca’s book It’s Not That I’m Bitter … ! Gina is my kind of woman. No sugar coating the vagaries of life; just cut right to the chase. So, I knew I could ask her about why we insist on beating ourselves up as women, or selling ourselves short, and she would earthy hard hitting answers.
Eliza asked:
I would like to explore this statement in your book in which you extol us to not create Girly Rules: you are getting what you need by the privilege of your sex rather than the right of your humanity. I remember being in university with a brilliant young woman. Super intelligent, but whenever we were in the presence of men she turned into this doe-eyed weaker sex creature. I was astounded, and horrified, with the transformation. Mind you, she got the dates and I didn’t. But I was me no matter what situation I was in. Far less exhausting that way!
I think it is important to acknowledge and celebrate fundamental differences between men and women, but when it comes down to it, our humanity should get us what we need, not our gender. Supposedly we have come so far, baby, but do you think we really have?
Gina answered:
We have not come as far as we need, darling, and part of the reason is because women continue to believe that it is somehow easier to snag privileges instead of insist on rights. What young women especially don’t understand–and perhaps it’s impossible for us to ever communicate to those under 35–is that every woman at some point in her life has been the ingenue or could have been. She is the young woman who, perhaps even without knowing it, manipulates her youthful attractions to her advantage, receiving attention because she is adorable and yet believing that the attention she receives is given to her because she is brilliant/witty/clever/sensitive/one of the boys.
No woman is one of the boys. That’s one of the hardest things to learn and you don’t learn it until you give up the idea that you’re Elizabeth Bennet’s soulmate or that you have sprung Athena-like from your father’s head with no help from your mother.
It’s interesting to realize how ubiquitous it is for smart women to think they are their fathers’ daughters and how little credit they give to the influence of their mothers or to the influence offered by any other women in their lives. Only by acknowledging the significance of the adult female in our own lives can adult women get on with the process of really growing up and accepting, with gratitude and generosity to ourselves and others, our lives as women.
The doe-eyed, brilliant, young women we encounter may have gotten the dates and may still, but this doesn’t last for long. It’s like the fact that going to a good university helps get you your first job; after that, you’re more or less on your own.
Eliza asked:
You have a chapter devoted to being the Second Wife. I suffered serious Second Wife Syndrome for the first year I was with Mr. Very Right. Every time she called, or otherwise reminded me she existed, I would suffer the most irrational jealousy. Kudos to my extremely patient man! As you point out, he picked me. Eventually, I was able to relax, but seriously, Gina, why do you think we Second Wives insist on questioning our worth? Oh, um, or is that just me?
Gina answered:
Of course we question ourselves when we marry a man who has been married before. There are times when marrying a man who has been married before seems to have all the problems of investing in a timeshare with none of the benefits: you have to deal with complicated schedules, with matters of ownership, with questions of taste. And we should also be aware of the fact that any man who’s more than 17 is probably going to appear as the demonic ex-boyfriend/ex-husband to some other woman on the planet, even as we think of him as Mr. Right, Mr. Very Right, or Mr. Suitable Enough for this Occasion.
I think that Second Wives question whether we have a right to be happy in our relationship when another woman clearly wasn’t. But that’s like looking at some fabulous pair of shoes that you see on sale, perfect and in our size, and wondering why no one else has bought them yet. It’s probably the origin of the whole Cinderella myth. Just because this guy hurt other people, just like the shoes might have hurt other people, doesn’t mean he’s going to hurt you. In other words, don’t walk a mile in her shoes. Walk happily into the sunset in your own.
Eliza asked:
First of all a huge THANK YOU! I will take Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia any day over whats-her-name … Padmé. As a matter of fact, the whole sucky bad boy/long suffering girlfriend story line meant that I watched exactly 1.75 out of the 3.0 movies. And don’t get me started on Twilight (although admittedly I only managed 1 movie, so can’t say if the boy/girl storyline got any better). Okay, now that we know my views on simpering heroines *smile*… in your opinion why oh why are young women of today buying into these characters?
Gina answered:
Don’t get me started on Twilight. This post that I did for Psychology Today explains everything and more: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/snow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore/200911/why-middle-aged-woman-loathes-twilight-encore.
(Eliza’s note: please do hop over to this post. Of course, I agreed with every word. Yep, I do like Gina.)
Would love to hear your thoughts?
Who is your favourite female movie heroine? And why?
More information!
Gina Barreca can be found at Untamed & Unabashed .
If you haven’t already done so, you can read my review of It’s Not That I’m Bitter … by clicking here
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Book review: Healing with Words
There are very few books that I read in one sitting. However, Diana M. Raab’s Healing with Words happens to be one of them. And not because it was a light read either. A short story, yes, but by no stretch of the imagination light reading.
You see, Healing with Words is all about Diana’s journey through breast cancer, followed up with a diagnosis of multiple myeloma. I couldn’t put the book down, because I needed to know how on earth she got through this and came out strong enough to share her journey with all of us!
Diana got through it one day at a time.
But this book is not so easily written off with that over used cliché. Many of Diana’s days were filled with grief, fear, depression, and an ocean of tears. In other words, Diana tells it like it is.
A large part of Diana’s healing came from writing poetry and chronicling her emotions in her journal. Healing with Words is actually a workbook intended for women diagnosed with cancer. By adding questions and space to write at the end of each chapter, Diana created a tool for women with cancer to journal their own experiences and emotions.
While careful to state that medical choices documented in the book are uniquely her own, Diana provides advice on cutting through the information overload to be found on cancer and treatments. As well, she provides guidance on the questions to ask and whom best to ask them of.
We are also treated to Diana’s beautiful, yet intense, poetry. Again, there are no holds barred, such as this short but to the point poem entitled Bifurcation:
Having a breast sliced off
leaves a woman with two lives –
the one before the lost
and the one after.
There is a time for platitudes, but there is also a time for “hey, this is the reality of what it is like”. Healing with Words is that reality. But, it is also validation that the roller coaster of emotions is normal, and they need to be experienced in order to heal emotionally and physically.
I would love to hear your thoughts!
Do you write to help heal? What other methods do you use to work through pain, be it physical or emotional?
More information!
Make sure you return on August 3, 2010, to win a copy of Healing with Words.
Diana can be found at Diana M. Raab
This book review was sponsored by WOW! Women on Writing
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5 Tips For a Hot Style Life After 40
I find as I age, I am becoming more bold with my style. For one thing, I NEVER accessorized. Now I feel naked without at least one ring on my hands, I am totally into necklaces, and I have been known to wear a scarf now and then.
I am also discovering clothing styles that work for me. I feel my most sexy in jeans, tank top and a blazer, but I also love dresses. Classy but sensual dresses.
Silver & Grace guest post author, Heather Claus, is here to tell us how to embrace our own unique styles after age forty. And feel totally hot!
Has your style life flagged over the years? Have you gone from having style several times a day to only once or twice a month? Worse yet, has your style life become nonexistent?
One thing is for certain, 99% of women over 40 will say that the year that they looked and felt their absolute best is behind them.
I say that’s a shame.
You deserve style each and every day. You deserve the sashay in your step, the smile on your face, and the appreciation from those eyes you want to see filled with admiration.
So, let’s stand up and say, “YES! I will take back my style life!” It’s easier to do something about that than you might think.
I’ve heard the excuses:
“My body isn’t what it used to be.”
“A stranger with grey hair and wrinkles looks out of the mirror at me.”
“I have a lot going on, and I don’t have energy to spend on frivolous things.”
I ask you, what is LESS frivolous than looking good and feeling great about yourself? Not a whole lot.
As far as that body and face you have, well, it may not look like the one you had in your twenties, but it’s what you have to work with. Besides, great style has nothing to do with how you look – it’s all attitude, baby! Even Coco Chanel agreed:
Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.
~Coco Chanel
So, are we in agreement? We’re NOT giving up our style life without a fight? GOOD!
Here are a few ideas to spice up your style life, right now:
1. Pretend you just bought it
Remember when your relationship was new? You looked for excuses to spend time together… Well, why not bring the spark back? Grab one of your exes hanging there in the closet, and look with new eyes. Try it on with a dozen other outfits – find new combinations and ways to wear it that will bring the fresh back.
2. Act on your moods
Gosh, you used to do style for now reason, now you wait for an event? “Bah,” I say! Do style whenever and wherever you want! Feel like getting a bit dressier today? Do it! Want to wear fire engine red? Go for it! There is no reason in the world not to have some afternoon delight!
3. Head to a “toy store”
When was the last time you brought in a little outside help? I bet you used to be more adventurous. Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you can’t have some fun with toys! Toys come in a variety of models and prices, from the quick, cheap and dirty (Claire’s Boutique), to the quirky (Etsy), to the serious eye-candy unless you have major bank to spend (think David Yurman or Omelle). Pick the toys that suit your mood and your budget to liven up your style life.
4. Slip into something a bit more comfortable
You’ve probably heard that pain in the name of fashion is acceptable. I happen to agree – to a point. The fabulous news is that it’s not required. You can have an amazing style life in your casuals, too. Stilletos are super-sexy, but quirky flats are stylish too, and give you a pulled-together look while running errands, heading to yoga, or taking the kinds (or grandkids) to the park. Always keep in mind afternoon delight from #2.
5. Appeal to all the senses
Sight is a big part of a style life, I’ll admit, but there are certainly other options. Pamper yourself with some amazing bath products, luxury fabrics that feel silky smooth against your skin, scented oils and perfumes, the rustle of taffeta (there is actually a word for that sound: it’ called scroop), and even a spicy curry dark chocolate. Yes, think of your style life as expanding to more than just the closet. Flirt with the possibilities!
So what’s holding you back? You know you used to love it. Bring back the passion and excitement. Fall in love again. Have a style life your friends will envy!
More information!
I’m Heather Claus, and I love style. I didn’t always, but once I learned I knew anyone could, so I taught. Register at 365DaysofStyle.com for weekly style lessons, fashion giveaways, and daily style resources – and don’t forget our FREE 12 Simple Separates guide – it’ll show you how to turn 12 simple separates into 80 Easy Outfits! *smiles*
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Someone You Love Has Anxiety—How You Can Help
In my post You aren’t crazy, you just have menopause anxiety , I talk about the need to communicate what is happening to you during an attack with your loved ones. Silver & Grace guest post author, Jill Green, expands on this with an entire list of advice for loved ones of anxiety sufferers.
If you love someone who suffers from severe anxiety or panic attacks, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. You know they are in a lot of pain and struggle with aspects of life that you don’t quite understand. You want to help, but maybe you don’t know how to approach the situation. Here are 10 tips to help a loved one with anxiety.
1. Educate yourself. You want to learn as much as you can about panic attacks. There is a lot of helpful, free information available on the internet, and the more educated you are, the more supportive you can be for your family member. Two trusted and abundant sources of information are the National Institute of Mental Health (nih.gov) and the Mayo Clinic (mayoclinic.com).
2. Support them by being a good listener. Sometimes your loved one will need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent their frustrations to, especially after a severe panic attack or while going through an anxiety provoking situation.
3. Assure them. Tell them it’s not their fault they have anxiety. They are not weak, worthless, or mentally ill. Let them know you believe in them and have every confidence that they can get better.
4. Be patient with them. Anxiety doesn’t just happen overnight, and anxiety treatment can take time as well.
5. Get help. Anxious people are often ashamed of their feelings, but keeping it a secret is not healthy. Encourage your loved one to talk to a doctor or therapist or try an anxiety self help program. For a list of recommended anxiety self help programs, click here.
6. Help yourself. Helping your loved one can take its toll on you and zap your energy. It is crucial that you remember to take good care of yourself with adequate rest, nutrition, and taking time out to do things you enjoy. Don’t let your loved one’s anxiety overtake your life.
7. Advocate for them. Put yourself in their shoes, try to learn what having anxiety really feels like, and appreciate the stigma of mental illness they are faced with out in the world.
8. Vent your frustrations appropriately. It’s okay and perfectly normal to feel upset, angry, frustrated. These are valid feelings in response to a very trying situation. Join a support group like families anonymous or an internet forum where you can vent your feelings to others who are in similar situations.
9. Don’t take it personally. Remember that an anxious person’s behavior is not indicative of who they really are. The anxious person has impaired social skills. If they are irritable or withdrawn, it’s because they feel bad about their anxiety. Remember it’s not about you, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
10. Love them unconditionally. When they truly know you care, this is the best medicine of all.
Keep these tips in mind when you want to help a loved one with anxiety. As your loved one begins to get their anxiety under control, you can be their biggest champion. If you care about someone with anxiety, these are great ways to help.
More information
Jill Green is a 40 something, mom, wife, and recovering anxious person who no longer lives in fear of her next panic attack. To learn more, or to start your own recovery from anxiety and panic today, visit her anxiety self help blog.
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How to Nourish the Sandwich that is You
In my post Joining the ranks of the Sandwich Generation, I talk about what the Sandwich Generation is, and the fact that women are more often impacted by elder care than men are. Silver & Grace guest post authors, Rosemary Lichtman and Phyllis Goldman, offer up excellent advice on how to stay healthy and sane during this phase of our lives.
The “Sandwich Generation” is a term that has now found its way into the dictionary. It fits an increasing number of boomer women whose reality includes being squeezed between the demands of growing children and the needs of aging parents.
A study by AARP and the National Alliance for Care-giving identified over 44 million Americans who are caring for ill adult family members, 60% of them women. According to the National Center on Health Statistics, about 80% of women in their 40’s have children for whom they are still somewhat responsible. Given these numbers, many of you may well be asking yourself, how can I balance caring for my parents, my children and myself? Here are some tips to help you sustain and nourish yourself:
1. Rejuvenate your spirits. Soak in a hot tub, curl up with a good book or enjoy a beautiful sunrise. Solitude provides a chance to emotionally reconnect. Gail recognized, “I’m working on being kinder to myself. I am committed to daily prayer, meditation and relaxation. As I rebuild inner harmony, I am freer to do what is right for me.”
2. Don’t become isolated from your friends. As you add caring for your parents to your already busy schedule, maintain contact with others even if you can’t spend as much physical time together. Karen agreed, “The blessings of my family, friends and faith have sustained me. Old friends have been wonderfully supportive. Since I no longer live near some of them, e-mail has been my lifeline.”
3. Let go of your negative feelings. Guilt is the most prevalent emotion of caregivers who worry that they’re not doing enough. Remind yourself that you’re doing what you can, given the realities of your life situation. Other times you may be feeling angry, resentful or afraid of what’s to come. Acknowledge these universal reactions as you work through them.
4. Feel more positive by practicing relaxation or meditation. Think about three pleasant things that happened each day. Every night, before you go to bed, write affirmations about what is good in your life. Alice mused, “I try to stay positive and optimistic. Self-pity is terminal for me. I work on waking up happy I’m alive, going to bed satisfied with what I’ve done, living authentically. ‘She who laughs last, laughs best’ is my creed and ‘when you stumble make it part of the dance’ is my motto.”
5. Allow yourself the gift of laughter. Rent a funny movie, find humor in daily life or spend time with a friend who makes you happy. All of this helps you relieve stress, avoid burnout and brighten your outlook. Studies have shown that laughter triggers the release of endorphins. And a good mood helps you develop creative solutions as well as make better decisions.
6. Ask for what you need from both professionals and family members. Don’t assume that you have to do everything yourself. Talk openly and honestly about how you feel and encourage other family members to pitch in and do their share. Develop firm boundaries to protect yourself as you handle family challenges.
7. Give yourself credit for all you do in finding balance in your life. Acknowledge and integrate the compliments that others give you. Let yourself enjoy the gratitude and love that your parents and children express for you. Thinking about what she had accomplished, Harriet felt, “This has really tested my strength. I still feel overwhelmed. But now I know I have the endurance to withstand just about anything.”
As you assume greater responsibility for your parents and maintain your pivotal role in your children’s lives, enjoy the time and activities that allow you to take care of yourself.
© Her Mentor Center, 2010
More information
Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. and Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. are family relationship experts with a 4-step model for change. Whether you’re coping with stress, acting out teenagers, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, we have solutions for you. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com and blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com. Sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones and e-book, Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals – You’ll discover practical tips about how to deal with parents growing older and children growing up.
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Interview: Barbara Barth author of The Unfaithful Widow
I loved reading Barbara Barth’s The Unfaithful Widow. Barbara lost a husband just as she was turning sixty. The book chronicles the first year after her husband died.
To find out more about the book, you can check out my book review by clicking here. However, I want to talk about Barbara!
Since my review, Barbara and I have been kibitzing back and forth. The honesty I encountered in her book is the honesty I find in these interactions. So, I knew that I could ask Barbara some pretty ‘out there’ questions on behalf of the Silver & Grace community and get back some very honest answers.
True to form, that is exactly what Barbara gave me.
Eliza asked:
You started dating shortly after the death of your husband. I remember when a family member started dating shortly after the death of his beloved wife there were rumblings of shock. I think it is a testament to how good the marriage was. What are your thoughts on this?
Barbara answered:
I started dating three months after my husband died. My circumstances were very simple. I did not have children. I did not have a job. I had no place to be. Dating was a way for me to get dressed and to get out at night. I liked the e-mails and anticipation of dating more than the actual date. But no matter how or why, it was dating and I was very fortunate that my family and friends did not pass judgment on my choices. They were supportive of me. I think my mother was thrilled I didn’t just curl up on the couch and wither away.
I didn’t feel insecure with myself, more shocked at the oddity of the men I met, and I owe that to the fact I was happy and in love with my husband. I do believe that a healthy marriage is a good foundation to build a new life. I didn’t have to worry about how we were all those years, just how was I going to be on my own. I did have a very bad date put a time frame of one year and one day as the proper amount of time that showed respect. I wrote about him in The Widow Rule.
At a time of loss you have to find your own way and to have your family and friends give you that freedom is a gift.
Eliza asked:
You are in your sixties and you love sex. *gasp* In your book, you even describe a friend with whom you have sex, with no expectation from either of you that the friendship will deepen into more than that. *double gasp*
Seriously, though, good on you. Do you find that it is more acceptable now to openly talk about sex for the sake of enjoying sex, or do we still need to sugar coat it with talk of love and intimacy to make it acceptable?
Barbara answered:
Is this where I become the poster widow for friends with benefits? This question made me smile and then *gasp*. Just how to answer a question that has never been a question for me?
In the years before I met my husband the only issue my generation had was pregnancy, as in how not to get pregnant if you were having sex. All the health issues out there today were not yet a factor in my dark ages of dating. Then I had twenty-five years with one man where sex was as normal as any other activity I did.
It was actually a shock when I realized I no longer had a sex partner. How do you handle that? I don’t believe in casual sex, yet I certainly did not want to go without sex.
I bring sex into my book in a playful way to show women you can have sex, enjoy it and come away feeling empowered and good about yourself. I think being realistic about what you are doing is much healthier than trying to sugar coat it as something it isn’t. That can only lead to problems and heartache.
I think the best way to live life is to be honest with yourself and do what is comfortable for you. I am an advocate that you need to be aware of the health issues involved with unprotected sex and cover your bases so to speak if you are having sex.
I was in a lecture the other day where the teacher was talking about writing about sex in fiction. His advice was to keep it in line with how your characters would act or else it won’t seem natural and you could look foolish. The teacher was someone I knew and after class I went up to tell him how much I enjoyed his session. I then added, “You know, you made me realize I wrote about the sex in my book exactly as you said…. of course, then I added in the dog.”
He gave me a funny look, but I know he went to buy a copy of my book the next day.
Which I believe leads me to the next question.
Eliza asked:
When I realized how bad a former relationship was that I was in, I went out and got a kitten. Then when I left that relationship, and moved out on my own, I got another kitten. Your dogs are very much a part of your life. In your book, you talk about how your rescue dogs helped rescue you. Can you expand on how having pets helps in the healing process?
Barbara answered:
I love dogs. Animals have always been a part of my life. I can’t imagine not having one. I never imagined having six.
My dogs make every day a Disney movie. When I come home at night there is a riot of activity that gives energy to my house. It is no longer quiet. I have six dogs jumping on me, rolling over each other, trying to get my attention. How can you not laugh and find happiness with a madcap scene like that?
My book ends with a PS where my fourth dog is introduced. Within a few months I added numbers five and six to the pack. Each dog brings something new to the household.
The first rescue dog to come home with me was Bray, an Afghan mix. Troubled and untrusting he has finally come out of his shell. Watching him blossom taught me that fear can be overcome with love and patience.
Annabelle, the matronly hound dog was finally that lap dog I wanted. She crawled in bed with me the first night and as I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head I was gleeful I finally found my answer for a bedmate. I had the best night’s sleep in a year that night.
Having one dog you see how the dog interacts with you. When you start adding dogs it is amazing to see the social structure they have with each other. I am fortunate my dogs all get along. So there is no trouble, just a big love fest at this household.
The dogs keep me focused on a daily routine where I have none most days. I am still a caregiver around them.
The dogs are a great judge of character and help me weed out the lemons. The last male in this household ran out saying he had a headache. The dogs will screen all my dates from now on. Maybe there will be a guy who thinks I need seven dogs. He will be a keeper.
More information!
If you too want to kibitz with Barbara, please head over to her blog Confessions of the Unfaithful Widow. I know she’ll be pleased to meet you.
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20 Ways In 7 Days To Be A Super Woman
I know that when I am feeling really gross, it is hard to even consider helping someone else. But I try to give myself a little kick … okay, often a big kick … in the butt, and think beyond my sad and sorry little pity party.
If you need help motivating yourself out of your own pity party, here are 20 wonderful ways to help someone else, as offered up by Silver & Grace guest post author, Danna Flannery.
Having a bad run? Nothing falling into place? Feeling a bit down on yourself? Choose from these little daily tasks to take your mind off the bad stuff and focus on creating some good in the world – it’ll help someone in need and it will make you feel like you’re a superwoman!
1. Purchase a selection of fruit, canned foods and breads and give them to a homeless person.
2. Do a “whip round” at work or school for a particular charity. Ask your company social club to get involved.
3. Consider very carefully the circumstances of somebody who has wronged you, attempt to put yourself in their shoes and gain some insight into their behavior. See if you can understand reasons behind their behavior and even forgive them.
4. Google the brands you regularly purchase to find out if these companies operate ethically. If they don’t, try changing to a different brand for a while, if the product is just as good, consider a change.
5. Buy a big bag of dog food and donate it to your local animal shelter.
6. Put fresh flowers on the grave of a deceased friend or relative. Take an extra bunch for a grave that looks forgotten or neglected.
7. Research and write a 500 word article on the rights of women in any country you know little about.
8. Tell a child in your life how s/he is talented and encourage them to pursue their dream career when they grow up.
9. Write a letter to somebody you’ve fought with, explain how you feel and what you regret. Post it if you are brave enough, keep it and use it to avoid making the same mistake if you are not.
10. Strike up a conversation with the “quiet” person at work – get to know them, they will probably surprise you.
11. Write down a list of failed relationships with friends or lovers. Look for a pattern. Is there a behavior you could change to break the pattern? If you are single, date someone who is not your type, maybe it will turn into the love of your life.
12. Find the e-petition page for your state or federal government. These will be petitions put forward by interest groups which will contribute to the making of laws. The more signatures, the more likely the petition will succeed. Add your signature to any you agree with.
13. Imagine it is your last day on earth. Write a letter to someone you love telling them how they have affected your life. If you feel brave enough, mail the letter.
14. Plan two days in the week where you will spend nothing. Take lunch to work and find free forms of entertainment such as walking and reading. On these days try to consume as little electricity, water and petrol as possible and to create as little garbage as possible. Consider if it would be difficult to do this every week.
15. Write a complimentary email to the head office/manager of an especially helpful shop assistant. This simple gesture could result in her promotion or pay bonus.
16. Give up a little luxury for a week (daily coffee, dessert at a restaurant, clothing purchase etc) and add up the money you save. Donate that money to a charity.
17. Help a single mum. Do her dishes, babysit her children, cook her dinner or mow her lawn. If you don’t know any single mums, help an elderly neighbor or relative.
18. Teach a child something or help a colleague with a task they are struggling with. Pass on valuable information you have learned.
19. Buy a small gift for someone who assists you regularly such as a shop assistant or bus driver.
20. Go to a local park, beach or reserve and collect any rubbish that you find – make the world a nicer place for the local children.
Make the world a little better everyday and you might just find yourself living in a better world!
More Information!
About the Author: Dana Flannery is a Marriage Celebrant who believes in creating good karma! Visit her happy world at Proud Media and Brisbane Civil Celebrant
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Successful Retirement is Not All About Money
I think we have all heard of someone who held off retiring claiming they needed more money. Then when they finally retired –generally because they were forced to — they had a heart attack and dropped dead. Did they really need more money? Or was it because they had no clue what they were going to do once they retired, and they were filled with dread?
Then you have people like my parents, who exhaust me with all their retirement activities. They are living their passions each and every day, and having a blast doing it.
Silver & Grace guest post author, R. Kevin Price, explains how successful retirement is not all about money. There are many other important factors to consider.
For I don’t care too much for money,
For money can’t buy me love
- Lennon/McCartney (1964)
Or happiness.
Many people think that if they accumulate enough physical and financial assets during their careers, they will assure themselves a successful retirement. Assets may indeed assure a degree of physical comfort, a certain lifestyle and a sense of security. But physical and financial assets cannot buy
• A healthy mind and body
• Great friends and a supportive social network
• A happy and positive attitude
• The joy that comes from living life to its fullest every day
Having money is good and having more than “just enough” is even better for most of us. But tech or housing bubbles may burst, corporate business models may crash, illness may demand large sums, government may redesign or restrict retirement income and other support programs and so on (truly) ad nauseam.
It is best to think in terms of living within your financial comfort zone – within the financial resources available to you. Not living within your financial comfort zone invariably leads to stress which is one of the great destroyers of successful retirements. If your retirement lifestyle aspirations exceed your resources, then you will need to add to those resources by coming partly out of retirement or only partially retiring in the first place. If your resources exceed your lifestyle aspirations, then you are blessed, but remember, as we have seen in 2008-2009, financial circumstances can shift quickly.
With living in our financial comfort zone as a base we can focus on more important aspects of life:
• Exercising regularly: stretching, aerobics, muscle building.
• Maintaining our existing social relationships and building new ones. Very few people can be truly happy by themselves. We are by nature social creatures. Socialization is not something that will just happen to us; we need to nurture it.
• Building our attitude: Studies have shown that one of the most important factors in being happy is attitude. There are many things about ourselves and our circumstances that we may not be able to change but attitude isn’t one of them; we can decide to be happy. We need to focus on: what we can do rather than what we can’t do; what we have rather than what we don’t have.
• Learn, study, grow, create, build, give back, eat, drink and be merry. Retirement is the time to enjoy all the things you love and learn about those you didn’t have time for during your years of work. Learn a language. Make cheese. Be a model. Learn to draw. There are endless possibilities.
Where to get started? You need a plan.
While a “bucket list” (what do I want to do before I “kick the bucket”?) is an interesting thing about which to fantasize, the plan really needs to be about: what do I want to do with my life? What do I want to build, create, see, experience, learn? Now is the time to pursue your inner talents and creativity and to find fulfillment.
More information!
R. Kevin Price is the author of The Successful Retirement Guide. He can be found at:
www.successfulretirementguide.com (website)
http://www.successfulretirementguide.wordpress.com (blog)
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A woman’s journey from anorexia to self-love
Interesting how someone can throw out a hurtful, but seemingly innocuous comment, and cause long lasting damage.
When I was 11 years old, I stood outside a boy’s house with my best friend. She, through her giggles, asked the boy if he would ever consider going out with one of us. He looked at her and said “Oh, I would go out with you for sure.” Then, pointing at me, he said, “But I’d never go out with her. She’s too butch.”
Thirty-five years later, I can replay this event in my mind like a movie reel. It became one of several defining moments in my life that led to poor self-image. I love my body now, but to be honest, to this day if I were to ever happen across this man I would likely feel compelled to bop him right in the nose.
A single hurtful comment won’t send someone down the rabbit hole of anorexia, but you will see how it can contribute to an already faltering self-image. Fortunately, Silver & Grace guest post author, Joanna Cake, crawled out of that rabbit hole with a renewed and healthy sense of self.
“I’m determined to at least try to get through this difficult time in a woman’s life without recourse to prescription medications and maintain the body that I abused with anorexia for so many years. It’s tough when you’ve just realised how beautiful you actually are, only to watch the effects of the change take it away before you’ve had a chance to enjoy it.”
That’s what I wrote as a comment on Eliza’s post on Rosacea.
It’s been a long journey, but I’m finally coming to terms with things. Learning how to face up to the ‘stuff’ that made me hate my body so much that I wanted to punish it by starvation.
I think it’s well-known that anorexia is often about control. Things are going on around you which you can’t, so you focus on a process which you can.
And I think that was partly it. But it was also about rejection by some of the most important people in my life at a time when I was hormonally vulnerable.
They didn’t want to be with me, so there must be something wrong with me. It didn’t help that a boy upon whom I had had a crush for the previous five years told me that I had a ‘fat arse’… as we British say.
It was an elephant that was to follow me into every room for the next three decades. I hated it. It stuck out and I considered myself a fat bloater as a result. It didn’t matter how little I ate, how thin everyone else thought I was, my big butt was there proving them all wrong.
After my 20 year marriage finally bit the dust, a new relationship with an extraordinarily patient and special man was the turning point. To suddenly be told every day that you are beautiful and see the lust in his eyes, feel the love in his heart wrap you up and cosset you…. I cannot begin to describe how soothing that balm was.
I began to look at myself in the mirror with a strange curiosity, trying to ascertain what it was that he saw. And, slowly, very slowly, the veil started to be lifted.
After I began blogging, I became aware of a feature called half-nekkid Thursday and this was the vehicle that really brought everything into focus. To expose myself physically after years of enveloping myself in huge baggy clothes that were far too big was a real mental test. But, with a few admiring comments, I began to tap into a narcissistic streak that I had no idea existed.
To know that you are considered a beautiful woman and start to appreciate the features that influence that assessment changes so many facets of your personality. Confidence and self-esteem sky rocket. Of course, you’re still sensitive to criticism and rejection but a protective covering starts to grow from the many compliments – if you know how to accept them, rather than pushing them away and focusing on your own malevolence.
For a few months, I glowed.
And then my Menopause kicked in. I started to notice the patches of saggy skin on my neck and the inside of my elbows. And the taut flesh of my belly suddenly registered the stretching that it had endured through two pregnancies. Previously defined muscles began to become ‘unpumped’ and soften.
Part of me wanted to go back to the exhausting punishment of the physical schedule I had followed but the new me understood that part of getting older is learning to be kinder and more accepting of yourself.
I’m not giving up without a fight, but it will be a battle fought in a less gruelling arena. Yoga, Pilates and tai chi are the way forward. Exercise regimes that work with the body to promote all-round health. A mental relaxation that calms the busy mind to promote inner peace and a physical conditioning that will tone and stretch but not pump and expand.
The old me was frightened and insecure, a little girl trapped inside a woman’s body and desperately fighting it.
The more mature Joanna observes a fabulous figure and will take every opportunity to maximise its full potential whilst gently growing older.
In finally learning to love my body, I have also found that I quite like myself.
More information!
Joanna Cake writes about everything that life has to throw at her at Having My Cake and Eating It Too and regularly contributes to Tighten My Vagina, a site that tries to address the sexual effects of the Menopause.
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