Graceful Women: Second Chances

For my post on Empty Nest Syndrome is very real, Wendi Kelly wrote:

My first batch are now 27 and 32 and when I got here the first time, I chickened out as I saw empty nest syndrome coming down the road and started over! …and my grandaughter and my daughter are only a few months apart.

This intrigued me, and could easily have been me. By the time I was in my early thirties, my children had entered their teen years. Had the man I was with been the right man for me, I would have started over myself.

Wendi is author of Life’s Little Inspirations, and here is her story on second chances:

My life as a parent began early at sixteen. Being a single mother meant working two jobs while putting myself through school, living on my own, and surviving on a thimble’s worth of sleep.

My twenties flew past in a blur of young marriage, a second child, diapers, kindergarten, my own continued education, divorce, my oldest in junior high, a continual lack of sleep and finally-that moment I had been waiting for, the day I turned thirty and both of my children were old enough to take care of themselves long enough for mom to take a deep breath.

With my thirties came a new marriage and a more relaxed lifestyle that meant I was finally able to be the relaxed fun parent I had always imagined myself to be in the recesses of my mind.

Except that by then, the little children I imagined having that life with had grown. They were independent teenagers and no more interested in spending their time with mom then getting their tonsils out. Don’t get me wrong, my children and I had a wonderful relationship yet still, I became acutely aware of just exactly how much I had missed during all the struggling along the way.

I remember a particular Christmas morning, wrapping paper strewn about the floor and gifts all opened, I looked at my two beaming children and the moment freeze-framed in my mind. I was thirty-two years old. My two children were already sixteen and eleven. There was no more Santa, no more baby powder fresh children to tuck in at night.

The years were rushing by and my kids were rushing with them. Empty Nest Syndrome was looming in the not too distant future and I just…couldn’t…face it. My life had finally settled down into a grown-up normal world and by the time I got there, I had missed…everything.

However, it didn’t have to stay that way. My new husband wanted children of his own, so together we made the decision to begin again. At thirty-four our son was born. At age thirty-seven, I became pregnant once again, with a little girl.

Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls when we least expect it. While I was busy starting over, my oldest daughter was busy starting out. So at age 20, newly married, she also became pregnant, a few months after me- with my future granddaughter.

Yes, we endured the jokes about the Father of the Bride part two movie, and yes, we were both at the same hospital with the same doctor, but thankfully, we had six months apart to soften the edge.

Life also has a funny way of working things out if you step aside and let it.

Last night, we had all the kids over. My two oldest, their spouses and the grandkids. (There are now two) The two girls, growing up more like sisters then aunt and niece are off to play.

My youngest son is getting ready for his first homecoming dance and has his older brother and sister right there with all the tips and advice he could ever need and saying all the things he would never want to hear from good old mom and dad.

I look around, and the house is warm, cheery, full of laughter and love. Funny, my two youngest are twelve and fifteen and once again Empty Nest Syndrome is looming in the future. The family has grown. I know in my heart that they will always come home. I smile, content. This time I am ready.
 

 

 

Graceful Women: You are an Empty Nester when …

Linda Abbit responded to my Empty Nest post by pointing out that you can get hit with the double whammy of Empty Nest and losing a parent.

I *thought* I had gone through empty nest syndrome when our son left for college in the Fall of 07, but now I’m not so sure. I was busy caregiving my mom, and now that she passed away in May, I have this intuition that it’s just beginning. I’ve been a big mess of emotions and tears since then, but will sort it out I’m sure. I know I have to give my self time to process these huge changes in my life.

I loved her openess in expressing her emotions, and the fact that she was being realistic about the time needed to heal. A perfect Graceful Women Series candidate.

I would say from her wonderful words below that she is well on the road to adjustment, and in typical Linda fashion has flipped a painful period in her life into something fun and playful.

Linda is the author of Tender Loving Eldercare and here is how she knows she truly is an Empty Nester:

You Know You’re an Empty Nester When . . .

1. You create a Facebook profile as a new means of communicating with your children

2. You decide texting isn’t so hard to do after all

3. You are thrilled when your children call you before you call them

4. You throw away food you and your husband haven’t been able to eat before it spoiled

5. Your electric and water bills drop significantly

6. You miss doing their loads of laundry . . . NOT!!

7. Your wallet mysteriously stays full of money for days on end

8. You can actually fall asleep without worrying what time they will get home

9. Your children say they miss you and even thank you at times

10. You don’t have to lock your bedroom door any longer

Empty Nest Syndrome is very real

No one was more shocked than I was to discover I was experiencing Empty Nest Syndrome. However, when my last child left home, I went into a complete fog for two years.

I knew I would miss my daughter, but did not anticipate falling into the grief associated with an Empty Nest. After all, I was well established in my career, was physically active and healthy, and had several hobbies that I enjoyed alone and with friends.

Yet, when I came out the other side, I realized that having children in the home provided structure and companionship. And, sadly in my case, they provided a diversion from having to examine an unhealthy relationship with my partner.

Is some sadness normal?

• Yes, it is normal to feel some sadness and loss when the last child leaves home.

So, what isn’t normal?

• To feel a loss of identify and drop in self esteem.
• To cry excessively
• To suffer profound sadness

How do I get beyond Empty Nest Syndrome?

• Transition your relationship with your child to more of a friendship and mentorship
• Write a list of what activities you have been putting off, and start actioning them
• Talk to friends and family members who have also experience Empty Nest Syndrome

What if I find I no longer have anything in common with my spouse or partner?

• Honestly examine the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship
• Seek couples counselling
• Acknowledge that the relationship may no longer be right for either of you

Is there life after Empty Nest Syndrome?

You bet there is! For me, it meant leaving an unhealthy relationship, and finally discovering who I am really am. But I realize that’s an extreme result.

It can also mean

• A stronger and sexier relationship with your partner
• Time to explore new hobbies and career options
• Reduced utility bills
• More money for travel
• A new and exciting relationship with your children.

While that foggy feeling of Empty Nest Syndrome is not the least bit pleasant, remember that it is a temporary condition. While your child is off discovering a new independence and sense of freedom, now is the time to discover yours.

Suggested reading

Empty-nest syndrome
The Empty Nest Syndrome in Your Marriage
Psychology Today’s Diagnosis Dictionary: Empty Nest Syndrome

Your turn

• Have you experienced, or are in the middle experiencing, Empty Nest Syndrome?
• What tips can you share to help other people through this period of life?
• What are some of the advantages of all your children leaving the nest?