Book review: I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway
I believe I can sum up Tracy McMillan’s book I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway in one word.
Gritty.
grit·ty
1. consisting of, containing, or resembling grit; sandy.
2. resolute and courageous; plucky
Yep, definitely gritty.
In a very good way, I might add!
Resembling grit
You know when you are walking along the beach and you get sand in your shoes? And the walk along the beach is extremely pleasurable, but the sandy grit in your shoes is a bit painful? That’s exactly what it felt like reading this book.
Extremely pleasurable because it is a well told and written story, and I didn’t want to put it down. A bit painful because Tracy was hitting just a little too close to home.
Not because my dad is a convicted pimp and drug dealer. Tracy’s dad is.
Not because my mom is a former prostitute. Tracy’s mom is.
Not because I have lived in foster homes. Tracy has.
Because Tracy all too well writes about what it is like to doubt being a desirable woman, worthy of a strong stable loving relationship. This I could relate to!
Regardless of childhood and upbringing, I am sure it is something we all struggle with as women at some point in our lives.
Resolute and courageous
Did I mention Tracy’s dad was convicted drug dealer and pimp, her mom was a former prostitute, and life consisted of foster care?
Sounds like the perfect recipe for an Oh Poor Victimized Me story.
Instead, what we get is an honest assessment of Tracy’s life with no trace of lingering bitterness. I say ‘lingering’ because she takes us through each emotion felt during the various stages of her life. Bitterness. Outrage. Anger. Grief. Fear. But it is very clear Tracy is simply reliving those emotions for us, not still trapped by them.
There is a very fine line between blaming someone for your undesirable behaviours, such as drug and alcohol abuse, and explaining your behaviours in terms of other people’s influence on your choices. It is all too easy to slip into absolving oneself of accountability over one’s actions.
However, Tracy takes a very interesting approach. Each chapter juxtaposes the events of her upbringing against the development of a more recent day relationship. In this way, we see how her past experiences led to her current choices. As do our own past experiences! But, there isn’t a trace of sensationalism or dramatizing to be found.
Instead, we see how one woman resolutely and courageously works her way through the pain and disappoints of childhood to become a strong, whole and healthy woman.
I would love to hear your thoughts
I summed up Tracy’s life story with the word gritty. If you were to write your life story, what one word would you use to sum it up?
More information!
Make sure you return on August 11, 2010, to win a copy of I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway.
You can follow Tracy McMillan on Twitter at http://twitter.com/TracyMcMillan
This book review was sponsored by TLC Book Tours. To read more reviews of I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway, please check out the schedule by clicking here.
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Book review: Healing with Words
There are very few books that I read in one sitting. However, Diana M. Raab’s Healing with Words happens to be one of them. And not because it was a light read either. A short story, yes, but by no stretch of the imagination light reading.
You see, Healing with Words is all about Diana’s journey through breast cancer, followed up with a diagnosis of multiple myeloma. I couldn’t put the book down, because I needed to know how on earth she got through this and came out strong enough to share her journey with all of us!
Diana got through it one day at a time.
But this book is not so easily written off with that over used cliché. Many of Diana’s days were filled with grief, fear, depression, and an ocean of tears. In other words, Diana tells it like it is.
A large part of Diana’s healing came from writing poetry and chronicling her emotions in her journal. Healing with Words is actually a workbook intended for women diagnosed with cancer. By adding questions and space to write at the end of each chapter, Diana created a tool for women with cancer to journal their own experiences and emotions.
While careful to state that medical choices documented in the book are uniquely her own, Diana provides advice on cutting through the information overload to be found on cancer and treatments. As well, she provides guidance on the questions to ask and whom best to ask them of.
We are also treated to Diana’s beautiful, yet intense, poetry. Again, there are no holds barred, such as this short but to the point poem entitled Bifurcation:
Having a breast sliced off
leaves a woman with two lives –
the one before the lost
and the one after.
There is a time for platitudes, but there is also a time for “hey, this is the reality of what it is like”. Healing with Words is that reality. But, it is also validation that the roller coaster of emotions is normal, and they need to be experienced in order to heal emotionally and physically.
I would love to hear your thoughts!
Do you write to help heal? What other methods do you use to work through pain, be it physical or emotional?
More information!
Make sure you return on August 3, 2010, to win a copy of Healing with Words.
Diana can be found at Diana M. Raab
This book review was sponsored by WOW! Women on Writing
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Divorcing after 40
Last week I posted an awesome list, by Dr. Gina Barreca, on how to keep a good marriage good. But, what happens if our marriage is not good? None of us enter marriage with the plan to end it, but for many reasons a divorce is sometimes the best for our mental, spiritual, and sometimes physical health.
Into our forties and fifties, we tend to do an assessment on all aspects of our lives, including our relationships. Silver & Grace guest post author, Nicola Baume, offers up sensitive words of advice on later in life divorces.
My mother once told me that she loved turning 50 because finally she really didn’t care what other people thought of her. As long as she lived her life to her own principles and ethics then everyone else could like it or lump it.
She came from a different generation to me. I turn 50 this year, yet I feel I have been living this way for nearly the last decade. Maybe 40 is the new 50 for my generation.
Many women are reaching their 40’s and reassessing their lives, the decisions they have made and the concessions they have lived with. Children are grown or able to fend for themselves, relationships are not satisfying and the future is not looking how they wanted it.
Women may have put everything on hold to raise children and be a home maker, but many look to the future and think, NO, I can’t continue like this because I’m getting lost in the role of mother, wife or career woman. It seems to be crunch time and often leaving an unhappy marriage is the first step that is taken to reclaim the individuality that is craved.
Around 40 women may go outside their usual life to study, work, create or help in a bid to find the spark they are missing in their life. Many women have a loving spouse who will support them in their bid to reevaluate and change and broaden themselves, but not all. For some women, it is their relationship that feels like the weight that cannot be shifted.
Divorce is more often than not instigated by the woman and frequently the poor man doesn’t really understand the reasons.
Divorce after 40 can be terrifying when finances run low, anger spills over into the legal proceedings, children are affected, and you simply do not know where to turn to make things better.
Even though women still tend to be the ones that do not recover financially, whether because of bad financial decisions or not being able to earn enough money, they will still be glad to be out of their marriage. It matters more that they are able to feel they are an individual entity with full control over their decisions than financially better off.
Many women thrive after a late divorce, they become the person they want to be, putting time into the things that interest them and give them pleasure. Countless women discover the joys of working and career after their divorce, becoming valued members of society for contributing in a way they had not before.
There is another group of women that go through divorce after 40 from a totally different stand point and these are the women who do not choose the separation. This group of women may have a much more difficult time getting through the divorce process as they did like what they saw in their vision of the future and had no intention of not following the path they had set.
Needless to say, it is more difficult for this group but by and large most women get through stronger and able to make for themselves a happy, fulfilling life with or without the addition of a new partner.
Divorce after 40, whether chosen or not, is just another twist on life’s pathway. It is a transition into a new phase and it is what women make of this phase that makes their life happier or not.
More information
Nicola Baume is a divorce planner and coach helping people get through marriage breakdown so they can move on into their happily ever after with confidence. You can read more from Nicola at http://www.simpledivorceadvice.com
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Book review: It’s Not That I’m Bitter …
I love to laugh. As a matter of fact, people at work say they know where to find me by following the sound of my laughter.
I love, therefore, people who make me laugh, and one of the great things about reviewing books is finding new funny authors.
E, author of Shmirshky, is very funny.
Barbara Barth, author of The Unfaithful Widow, is very funny.
And now I have found my new funny author, Gina Barreca, with her book It’s Not That I’m Bitter … Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Visible Panty Lines and Conquered the World.
Reading It’s Not That I’m Bitter … is like watching a stand up comedy routine, without being subjected to the inevitable annoying heckler in the audience. Unless you count my Siamese if I happen to be reading during his treat time.
The great thing about stand up comics is that they are simply stating facts about everyday life. They just happen to point out what nobody else is willing to, or they put a fantastic spin on the facts.
Gina Barreca has this down to a science when it comes to the daily life of the us over forty gals.
Take bathing suit shopping. Her description of women attempting to purchase bathing suits is brilliant, but I really laughed out loud at this part:
No man – no straight man in Western civilization, that is – has ever tried on a bathing suit. Men wear the bathing suit their mothers bought them when they were seventeen until there’s a hole where they put their keys, and then they walk into some cheap store, find the sale bin, find a suit, hold it up, say, “it’s blue; it’ll fit,” and then they leave.
It’s true! Name me a man — straight man in Western civilization — that tries on a bathing suit before buying it!
It’s Not That I’m Bitter … is full of obvious, yet funny, facts like this. From bathing suit shopping, to gift giving, to feminism, Gina covers it all.
But, just as I was getting really comfortable and thinking It’s Not That I’m Bitter is a laugh a minute, I find a few poignant moments. Like what it is to love a man who is not available to freely love you back.
Then … right back to laughter.
And like any good comedian, Gina’s stories are really to make us stop and think about issues. As she explains at the being of the book, her ‘role is to notice patterns of foolishness in our collective human behaviour and to chronicle them.’
I say she did an excellent good job.
More information!
Make sure you come back on July 15, 2010, to enter to win a copy of Gina Barreca’s It’s Not That I’m Bitter …
You can find out more about Gina and her book at Untamed & Unabashed
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Life throws curveballs
I love success stories! And when the success story involves turning a passion for human safety into a dream job, even better!
Silver & Grace guest post author, Karyn Climans, did just that. Good on you, Karyn.
Twenty five years ago, fresh out of university with an Economics and Teaching Degree, I envisioned a future for myself that might involve creative challenge, success, personal satisfaction and ultimate happiness. And then life set in…
Now, at the age of 50, I find that I have achieved all of those goals but in a far different way than I had originally pictured. Surviving a family tragedy shortly before my wedding was the first of many curves I faced along the road to becoming an entrepreneur. The most serious challenge took the form of becoming a stay-at-home mom, raising two beautiful sons with special needs.
Exhaustion, frustration, and constant worry became my daily companions.
Several years ago, while skiing with my sons, I was involved in a serious accident. Fortunately, I was wearing my ski helmet and it saved my life. The passion to promote safety awareness became the impetus behind starting my own company, but I also needed to create a job that allowed me the flexibility to continue looking after my children.
Over the years I had acquired a background in teaching, children’s programming and costume design and I took all of that knowledge and created Tail Wags Helmet Covers, a company making fun, whimsical helmet covers for every type of safety helmet. I make it fun for kids and adults alike to wear their helmets for every sport they enjoy and by doing so I have found a way to help prevent unnecessary head injuries.
The learning curve has been huge! Every day I face new challenges related to the marketing, sales and administration of my growing business. In fact, as a mom entrepreneur, I’m working more hours than ever before but the satisfaction of owning my own business is extremely rewarding.
The key to enjoying what I do is maintaining a sense of humour. The marketplace and trade show days are extremely long. In order to survive, I encourage the customers walking by my booth to play dress-up in my booth … it’s the looks that I get from the grown men that are the most priceless, but you’d be surprised how many of them take me up on my offer!
I willingly gave up my good housekeeping award several years ago when I realized that it’s impossible for me to keep a spotless house while running my home-based business. I’ve simply learned to live with the chaos because there’s no point in driving myself crazy over the bits of thread all over the house.
My teenage boys are less forgiving. They’re pretty annoyed by the bins of stock in my basement that often block the TV screen. And my husband has threatened to stack the extra boxes on my side of the bed if I don’t move the product out of our living room/dining room!
I derive tremendous enjoyment from designing the 35 or so different styles of helmet covers. Another of the most satisfying aspects of my work is the customer photos and testimonials that I receive on a regular basis. Four years after starting up my business, I am proud to say that Tail Wags are now sold throughout North America as well as overseas.
I maintain a blog, a Facebook page, www.facebook.com/tailwagshelmetcovers, and a wonderful web site (www.tail-wags.com) and I am in constant touch with my customers all over the world. I am looking forward to continuing to grow the company and expand it into new areas of design and untouched markets.
I have become a successful business woman in the second half of my life and I love it!
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Interview: Barbara Barth author of The Unfaithful Widow
I loved reading Barbara Barth’s The Unfaithful Widow. Barbara lost a husband just as she was turning sixty. The book chronicles the first year after her husband died.
To find out more about the book, you can check out my book review by clicking here. However, I want to talk about Barbara!
Since my review, Barbara and I have been kibitzing back and forth. The honesty I encountered in her book is the honesty I find in these interactions. So, I knew that I could ask Barbara some pretty ‘out there’ questions on behalf of the Silver & Grace community and get back some very honest answers.
True to form, that is exactly what Barbara gave me.
Eliza asked:
You started dating shortly after the death of your husband. I remember when a family member started dating shortly after the death of his beloved wife there were rumblings of shock. I think it is a testament to how good the marriage was. What are your thoughts on this?
Barbara answered:
I started dating three months after my husband died. My circumstances were very simple. I did not have children. I did not have a job. I had no place to be. Dating was a way for me to get dressed and to get out at night. I liked the e-mails and anticipation of dating more than the actual date. But no matter how or why, it was dating and I was very fortunate that my family and friends did not pass judgment on my choices. They were supportive of me. I think my mother was thrilled I didn’t just curl up on the couch and wither away.
I didn’t feel insecure with myself, more shocked at the oddity of the men I met, and I owe that to the fact I was happy and in love with my husband. I do believe that a healthy marriage is a good foundation to build a new life. I didn’t have to worry about how we were all those years, just how was I going to be on my own. I did have a very bad date put a time frame of one year and one day as the proper amount of time that showed respect. I wrote about him in The Widow Rule.
At a time of loss you have to find your own way and to have your family and friends give you that freedom is a gift.
Eliza asked:
You are in your sixties and you love sex. *gasp* In your book, you even describe a friend with whom you have sex, with no expectation from either of you that the friendship will deepen into more than that. *double gasp*
Seriously, though, good on you. Do you find that it is more acceptable now to openly talk about sex for the sake of enjoying sex, or do we still need to sugar coat it with talk of love and intimacy to make it acceptable?
Barbara answered:
Is this where I become the poster widow for friends with benefits? This question made me smile and then *gasp*. Just how to answer a question that has never been a question for me?
In the years before I met my husband the only issue my generation had was pregnancy, as in how not to get pregnant if you were having sex. All the health issues out there today were not yet a factor in my dark ages of dating. Then I had twenty-five years with one man where sex was as normal as any other activity I did.
It was actually a shock when I realized I no longer had a sex partner. How do you handle that? I don’t believe in casual sex, yet I certainly did not want to go without sex.
I bring sex into my book in a playful way to show women you can have sex, enjoy it and come away feeling empowered and good about yourself. I think being realistic about what you are doing is much healthier than trying to sugar coat it as something it isn’t. That can only lead to problems and heartache.
I think the best way to live life is to be honest with yourself and do what is comfortable for you. I am an advocate that you need to be aware of the health issues involved with unprotected sex and cover your bases so to speak if you are having sex.
I was in a lecture the other day where the teacher was talking about writing about sex in fiction. His advice was to keep it in line with how your characters would act or else it won’t seem natural and you could look foolish. The teacher was someone I knew and after class I went up to tell him how much I enjoyed his session. I then added, “You know, you made me realize I wrote about the sex in my book exactly as you said…. of course, then I added in the dog.”
He gave me a funny look, but I know he went to buy a copy of my book the next day.
Which I believe leads me to the next question.
Eliza asked:
When I realized how bad a former relationship was that I was in, I went out and got a kitten. Then when I left that relationship, and moved out on my own, I got another kitten. Your dogs are very much a part of your life. In your book, you talk about how your rescue dogs helped rescue you. Can you expand on how having pets helps in the healing process?
Barbara answered:
I love dogs. Animals have always been a part of my life. I can’t imagine not having one. I never imagined having six.
My dogs make every day a Disney movie. When I come home at night there is a riot of activity that gives energy to my house. It is no longer quiet. I have six dogs jumping on me, rolling over each other, trying to get my attention. How can you not laugh and find happiness with a madcap scene like that?
My book ends with a PS where my fourth dog is introduced. Within a few months I added numbers five and six to the pack. Each dog brings something new to the household.
The first rescue dog to come home with me was Bray, an Afghan mix. Troubled and untrusting he has finally come out of his shell. Watching him blossom taught me that fear can be overcome with love and patience.
Annabelle, the matronly hound dog was finally that lap dog I wanted. She crawled in bed with me the first night and as I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head I was gleeful I finally found my answer for a bedmate. I had the best night’s sleep in a year that night.
Having one dog you see how the dog interacts with you. When you start adding dogs it is amazing to see the social structure they have with each other. I am fortunate my dogs all get along. So there is no trouble, just a big love fest at this household.
The dogs keep me focused on a daily routine where I have none most days. I am still a caregiver around them.
The dogs are a great judge of character and help me weed out the lemons. The last male in this household ran out saying he had a headache. The dogs will screen all my dates from now on. Maybe there will be a guy who thinks I need seven dogs. He will be a keeper.
More information!
If you too want to kibitz with Barbara, please head over to her blog Confessions of the Unfaithful Widow. I know she’ll be pleased to meet you.
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20 Ways In 7 Days To Be A Super Woman
I know that when I am feeling really gross, it is hard to even consider helping someone else. But I try to give myself a little kick … okay, often a big kick … in the butt, and think beyond my sad and sorry little pity party.
If you need help motivating yourself out of your own pity party, here are 20 wonderful ways to help someone else, as offered up by Silver & Grace guest post author, Danna Flannery.
Having a bad run? Nothing falling into place? Feeling a bit down on yourself? Choose from these little daily tasks to take your mind off the bad stuff and focus on creating some good in the world – it’ll help someone in need and it will make you feel like you’re a superwoman!
1. Purchase a selection of fruit, canned foods and breads and give them to a homeless person.
2. Do a “whip round” at work or school for a particular charity. Ask your company social club to get involved.
3. Consider very carefully the circumstances of somebody who has wronged you, attempt to put yourself in their shoes and gain some insight into their behavior. See if you can understand reasons behind their behavior and even forgive them.
4. Google the brands you regularly purchase to find out if these companies operate ethically. If they don’t, try changing to a different brand for a while, if the product is just as good, consider a change.
5. Buy a big bag of dog food and donate it to your local animal shelter.
6. Put fresh flowers on the grave of a deceased friend or relative. Take an extra bunch for a grave that looks forgotten or neglected.
7. Research and write a 500 word article on the rights of women in any country you know little about.
8. Tell a child in your life how s/he is talented and encourage them to pursue their dream career when they grow up.
9. Write a letter to somebody you’ve fought with, explain how you feel and what you regret. Post it if you are brave enough, keep it and use it to avoid making the same mistake if you are not.
10. Strike up a conversation with the “quiet” person at work – get to know them, they will probably surprise you.
11. Write down a list of failed relationships with friends or lovers. Look for a pattern. Is there a behavior you could change to break the pattern? If you are single, date someone who is not your type, maybe it will turn into the love of your life.
12. Find the e-petition page for your state or federal government. These will be petitions put forward by interest groups which will contribute to the making of laws. The more signatures, the more likely the petition will succeed. Add your signature to any you agree with.
13. Imagine it is your last day on earth. Write a letter to someone you love telling them how they have affected your life. If you feel brave enough, mail the letter.
14. Plan two days in the week where you will spend nothing. Take lunch to work and find free forms of entertainment such as walking and reading. On these days try to consume as little electricity, water and petrol as possible and to create as little garbage as possible. Consider if it would be difficult to do this every week.
15. Write a complimentary email to the head office/manager of an especially helpful shop assistant. This simple gesture could result in her promotion or pay bonus.
16. Give up a little luxury for a week (daily coffee, dessert at a restaurant, clothing purchase etc) and add up the money you save. Donate that money to a charity.
17. Help a single mum. Do her dishes, babysit her children, cook her dinner or mow her lawn. If you don’t know any single mums, help an elderly neighbor or relative.
18. Teach a child something or help a colleague with a task they are struggling with. Pass on valuable information you have learned.
19. Buy a small gift for someone who assists you regularly such as a shop assistant or bus driver.
20. Go to a local park, beach or reserve and collect any rubbish that you find – make the world a nicer place for the local children.
Make the world a little better everyday and you might just find yourself living in a better world!
More Information!
About the Author: Dana Flannery is a Marriage Celebrant who believes in creating good karma! Visit her happy world at Proud Media and Brisbane Civil Celebrant
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A trick for making life manageable
Those of you who have come to know me through my writings on Silver & Grace, and my photographs on Facebook, have probably figured out that I am an uber creative person. So, for that matter, is Mr. Very Right.
This is actually a problem.
“What?”, you squeak, thinking you didn’t read that right. “Creativity is a problem?”
No, being creative is not a problem. It is a very good thing. However, being uber creative is a problem. Especially when two people in the family are creative.
Ideas are bouncing off the walls. Ping. There goes another. Pop. Another light bulb goes on.
And this, my friends, can be very overwhelming. After all, there is only so much time in a day, week, month and year.
Let me give you a sampling of what Mr. Very Right and I collectively and individually want to work on:
- Develop a workshop on intuition
- Keep photojournal up to date
- Create an online magazine
- Start a business building rustic furniture
- Open a Vintage Car Club
- Open a store and workshops
- Create a corporate team building program
- Design necklaces
- Renovate just about every room in our house … oh, and the outside!
Pretty wild list, eh? Each idea with its own myriad of tasks.
This is where the problem arises. We get so overwhelmed with our ideas and how much work each is, we actually get depressed and discombobulated. Then nothing gets done!
This week, I took a lesson from work. We are using a software development appoach called SCRUM. We don’t need to get into exactly what SCRUM is, because Mr. Very Right and I are not developing software, thank goodness. I worry about that all day; I don’t need to worry about it at home. However, the point of SCRUM is to list all the work to be done, prioritize it, then break it down into manageable pieces.
Everything gets written on stickies which are then put on a wall in the following categories:
- Backlog – work not even being considered yet
- Prioritized – the top priority pieces of work
- Started – tasks for each piece of work that are started
- Complete – tasks that are all done
You move the stickies from one category to the next. As a very visual person, this is a very satisfying process for me. So, this week, I took a wall of my study and put pretty coloured stickies on it.
In my backlog are ideas that are exactly that, simply ideas. This means they are captured for posterity, but I can stop thinking about them.
Then I broke the other ideas down into their tasks, which were filed under a stickie called Needs To Happen. From there, I moved a couple of tasks to Started, because they are underway. Heck, I even moved one to completed!
All of a sudden, I was no longer depressed. Sure, there are still a lot of ideas, but I am no longer focused on those. I am just looking at the tasks that I can reasonably take on to move a couple of ideas forward. Not so overwhelming after all.
The stickie approach does have some disadvantages. First, you need wall space away from breezes that knock the stickies off the wall, and away from practical jokers who move your stickies around. Two, it is not that pretty having stickies all over your wall no matter how pretty the colours. Since I have a private study, my stickies are safe, and I am willing to live with a technocolour wall.
Granted, this approach may not be for you, but really, the moral of my story is:
When life gets overwhelming, break it down into manageable tasks Work on the tasks you can, and forget about the rest. You will get to those later, after you have had the satisfaction of completing the first bunch.
Have your say:
When you life gets overwhelming, how do you manage to get back on track?
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Sharing a challenge: how to survive at work
I am officially in the month of the half marathon I have been training for. If you have been following along, you know I switched from a run race to a walk race, and am much happier for it. I figure at my age, I better really enjoy my exercise, because the couch has a strong siren’s call.
This week, I walked home from work. This means I walked 10.6 miles (17.1 kilometres) in 2 hours 40 minutes.
To make sure I was really going to do it, I told people at work that day my plans. I knew I would have to report back to them the next day. There was no turning back.
One of my co-workers exclaimed “Are you nuts?”
To which I responded “After the day I’ve had today, I’m going to need 2 and a half hours of walking just to de-stress.”
Which brings me to the topic of today’s post. Work.
On my training walks I have engaged in a series of inner dialogues. After all, there is nobody else to talk to, and it is a long time to go with a completely blank mind, so might as well talk to myself.
Please note that inner dialogue implies silent dialogue. I have not reached the stress stage of talking out loud to myself. Just to clarify.
Anyway, I make no bones about the fact that I struggle greatly with my job. I am not suited for it. Here’s run down of some of the reasons, bearing in my mind that I work for a government agency:
- the wheels of bureaucracy turn painfully slow; I am an action person
- everyone is risk adverse and won’t make a move until all the i’s are dotted; I am more of a ‘just do it and apologize later’ type gal
- there is a ‘but we’ve always done it this way’ mentality; I am an efficiency freak
- it’s tax legislation (yawn); I’m an artist
I could go on, but you get the picture.
So, what did I do recently? I agreed to take a management position. Take everything that I just listed as not suited to me, and multiply it by at least 10.
What was I thinking?!
I was thinking that at least I would have some element of control … or at least the allusion of it.
Here is a snippet of the inner dialogue
“Are you insane????”
“Well, I dreaded going to work, so I’m hoping this will ease the agony.”
“Uh-huh. Have you seen how physically and emotionally sick the other managers look?”
(No word of a lie, they really do look like they are on death’s doorstep)
“Yes, but I’m not going to put up with the crap they do. They literally work 15 hour days. Hey, I have no career aspirations. Senior management will get their 7.5 hours out of me, and I am willing to work through my lunch. That’s it.”
“Of course, what you really want to do is work from home on your own business.”
“I know that! But I have an eight year plan, of which I am only in year one. I can’t quit yet. This job pays the bills while I build up my dream job.”
“If you survive.”
“Oh, very nice.”
“Seriously, if you thought you were frustrated before …”
“Okay, you are right. The bottom line is, I need to let go. I have to adopt an ‘oh well’ attitude. I need to control and influence what I can, and just let the rest be. I am not responsible for the project’s success. We all are. And if it fails, I will know that it is not because of me. I will have done my part and done it well. I have to stop trying to get other people to do their jobs well. That is their responsibility.”
“You think you can do that?”
“Yes … probably … I think so … possibly … I’ll try…. because working there allows me the financial freedom and time to build my dream job.”
“And if all else fails, you’ll be in fantastic shape walking 10 miles home everyday to blow off steam.”
So far, so good. Admittedly, I had to count to 10 several times today, but I did manage to get to a point of ‘oh well’ each time I started to get frustrated.
And considering it takes five years for a new business to stabilize, I think my eight year plan is quite realistic. If I learn to breathe and let go at my current job, I think I can not only survive it, but get some enjoyment out of it along the way.
Or, I’ll be in darn good shape from all that walking!
Have your say:
Are you in a job that conflicts with who you really are?
If so, how do you cope?
More information!
Here are the rest of my Sharing a challenge posts:
Sharing a challenge
Motivation
Getting the right fuel for the job
Falling off the rails
Going into survival mode
My body rebels
I finally listen to my body
Thinking about food
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Interview: Author Al Weatherhead on adversity
It always intrigues me how people deal with adverse situations and circumstances in their lives. Personally, I have gone from ignoring adversity, hoping it will go away, to facing it head on.
I prefer the face it head on approach. As initially scary as it seems, my life is always so much better when I just deal with things.
Al Weatherhead is author of The Power of Adversity. As always, after reviewing a book, I am eager to dig a little deeper. Here are Mr. Weatherhead’s additional thoughts on the personal power to be gained from facing adversity.
Eliza asked about healing past wounds with parents
I have an excellent relationship with my parents, so I am always taken aback at the number of mid-life adults who are estranged from one or both of their elderly parents. You moved away from your father as a young man and believe that was an excellent move for you, in that you separated yourself from identifying with your father, his life, and his business. Later in life, however, you reunited with your father. I understand the need for separation from our parents. We all do that to varying degrees in order to grow as adults. But I also believe it is equally important to reunite with our parents as part of our growth.
What did that reunion provide you that you might have missed out on if you had chosen to remain estranged?
Mr. Weatherhead had this to say:
Some time after I had reconciled with my father he was diagnosed with a fatal illness. In the time he had remaining he and I become even closer, culminating in an exchange I will never forget: he asked to shake my hand – something he had never done – and entrusted me with looking out for his business interests and the family after he was gone.
I will always treasure the memory of that handshake… and it would not have occurred if we had remained estranged.
Eliza asked about becoming vulnerable and asking for help
There is a lot of focus on the fact that women typically do not ask for help, and suffer from Super Mom or Super Wife syndrome. It was nice, therefore, to get a male perspective on not asking for help. You admit to suffering from Super Husband and Super Boss syndrome. It wasn’t until you were bedridden and crippled with rheumatoid arthritis that you slowly reached out for help from your wife, Celia. Being okay with vulnerability was a huge paradigm shift for you. I am coming to realize that there is incredible personal strength in allowing oneself to be vulnerable. Yes, I open myself up to disappointment, but that is minor compared to opening myself up to the joy of mutual sharing and trust.
What were some of your fears in asking for help, and did they prove to be unfounded, or at least not as bad as you anticipated?
Mr. Weatherhead had this to say:
My fears at the time were irrelevant. To talk about them would be to ask an individual perched on the ledge of a burning building if he or she had fears jumping into the firemen’s net. In short, I had no choice but to reach out to Celia, and I am so thankful that she was there for me.
Thus, my grueling experience confronting serious, chronic rheumatoid arthritis overcame my fear and reluctance concerning asking for help. As I struggled with the relentless pain, depression and a lack of certainty about the future, I was granted the gift of a lifetime: the opportunity to relearn how to trust others.
In this way, my illness turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me, and as such, it proves the central point of my book, THE POWER OF ADVERSITY, which is that our troubles are our blessings which can help us to grow in mind, body and spirit.
Eliza asked about self-analyzing less and acting more
My personal favorite lesson from your book is: Never think “I have to do it”. Instead think “‘I have it to do.” It’s become my mantra when I am procrastinating or waffling on getting something done. Such a simple change of phrase, and yet it takes me from analyzing and thinking to action almost instantly. In my thirties I spent hours and hours on analysis. I analyzed myself, my family, my partners, my children …. Now in my mid-forties, I am starting to see that while some analysis is good, it can lead to analysis paralysis. At some point, you just have to take action, be it right, wrong, or indifferent. I might have to adjust that action, but at least I have created forward momentum.
Do you find that as you aged you became less interested in figuring out why your life circumstances, or your thoughts and behaviors, are what they are, and more apt to just make a decision to change whatever it is and move on?
Mr. Weatherhead had this to say:
I’ve never considered myself a philosophical thinker. By virtue of my personality and my education, I’m a pragmatist who is wired to get things done. And so, to your question, as I’ve aged, I haven’t become less interested in introspection, because I’ve always believed that too much thinking can get in the way of solving your problems and mastering your adversity.
When I make the choice to confront a problem I find it as deeply satisfying as it is empowering. Even if my choice turns out to be wrong, all that does is give me new, additional choices – for each is merely a fork we take on the road of life. Some of those forks are more productive than others, but as long as I keep moving ahead – and don’t slump in surrender on the side of the road – new forks (new choices) will continually be presented to me.
As I see it, my only mistake can be to do nothing. And so I will always take action and see what happens – five minutes or five months from now.
Have your say:
Do you find yourself stuck in self-analysis paralysis? Or are you an enough’s enough type person?
Are there family relationships you would like to heal? If so, what is holding you back?
More information!
You can read my review of The Power Of Adversity by clicking here.
Al Weatherhead is the author of The Power Of Adversity: Tough Times Can Make You Stronger, Wiser, And Better and chairman and CEO of Weatherhead Industries, a private manufacturer of plastic closures for food, spice, pharmaceutical and nutraceutical products.
You can learn more at http://www.powerofadversity.net/
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