My first batch are now 27 and 32 and when I got here the first time, I chickened out as I saw empty nest syndrome coming down the road and started over! …and my grandaughter and my daughter are only a few months apart.

This intrigued me, and could easily have been me. By the time I was in my early thirties, my children had entered their teen years. Had the man I was with been the right man for me, I would have started over myself.

Wendi is author of Life’s Little Inspirations, and here is her story on second chances:

My life as a parent began early at sixteen. Being a single mother meant working two jobs while putting myself through school, living on my own, and surviving on a thimble’s worth of sleep.

My twenties flew past in a blur of young marriage, a second child, diapers, kindergarten, my own continued education, divorce, my oldest in junior high, a continual lack of sleep and finally-that moment I had been waiting for, the day I turned thirty and both of my children were old enough to take care of themselves long enough for mom to take a deep breath.

With my thirties came a new marriage and a more relaxed lifestyle that meant I was finally able to be the relaxed fun parent I had always imagined myself to be in the recesses of my mind.

Except that by then, the little children I imagined having that life with had grown. They were independent teenagers and no more interested in spending their time with mom then getting their tonsils out. Don’t get me wrong, my children and I had a wonderful relationship yet still, I became acutely aware of just exactly how much I had missed during all the struggling along the way.

I remember a particular Christmas morning, wrapping paper strewn about the floor and gifts all opened, I looked at my two beaming children and the moment freeze-framed in my mind. I was thirty-two years old. My two children were already sixteen and eleven. There was no more Santa, no more baby powder fresh children to tuck in at night.

The years were rushing by and my kids were rushing with them. Empty Nest Syndrome was looming in the not too distant future and I just…couldn’t…face it. My life had finally settled down into a grown-up normal world and by the time I got there, I had missed…everything.

However, it didn’t have to stay that way. My new husband wanted children of his own, so together we made the decision to begin again. At thirty-four our son was born. At age thirty-seven, I became pregnant once again, with a little girl.

Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls when we least expect it. While I was busy starting over, my oldest daughter was busy starting out. So at age 20, newly married, she also became pregnant, a few months after me- with my future granddaughter.

Yes, we endured the jokes about the Father of the Bride part two movie, and yes, we were both at the same hospital with the same doctor, but thankfully, we had six months apart to soften the edge.

Life also has a funny way of working things out if you step aside and let it.

Last night, we had all the kids over. My two oldest, their spouses and the grandkids. (There are now two) The two girls, growing up more like sisters then aunt and niece are off to play.

My youngest son is getting ready for his first homecoming dance and has his older brother and sister right there with all the tips and advice he could ever need and saying all the things he would never want to hear from good old mom and dad.

I look around, and the house is warm, cheery, full of laughter and love. Funny, my two youngest are twelve and fifteen and once again Empty Nest Syndrome is looming in the future. The family has grown. I know in my heart that they will always come home. I smile, content. This time I am ready.
 

My mother and I have a very different relationship, than the one I share with my daughters. My mother and I rarely talk on the phone, email each other once per week, and see each other a couple of times per year. This works just fine for us. Compare this to weekly, if not daily, chats with my daughters either online or by phone, and visits several times per month. And this works equally as well.

My mother and I never directly addressed issues, but at this point in our lives we accept each other as strong, beautiful women. My daughters, on the other hand, take me to task on every issue that arises. And through that process we are coming to know each other as strong beautiful women.

But what if that bond just isn’t there? Hopefully, with acceptance and communication all mothers and daughters can work towards a healthy relationship, respecting each other’s strengths.

What makes the Mother/Daughter relationship unique?

I know my relationship with my son is certainly different than with my daughters. His response to anything he perceives as hurtful is to roll his eyes, and at the very worst, grunt and hang up the phone. I, in turn, roll my eyes, mutter something about the male species, and carry on.

My daughters? Complete and utter devastation on their part, followed with tears, and a cry of “how can I misunderstand them so?” Followed with me in tears, convinced they’ll never talk to me again.

All this to say, for some reason, mothers are perceived by their daughters as controlling and critical. Mothers, in turn, only hear their daughters’ anger.

Moms, where do you go wrong?

After a quarter of a century of being a mom, I have probably made every mistake there is. Some of these are:

• living vicariously through your daughter, hoping she will achieve what you weren’t able to achieve for yourself;
• trying to protect her from repeating mistakes you made;
• criticizing her from little things like the length of her hair, to big things like her choice in men;
• blurring the line between being her friend and being her parent.

Daughters, where do you go wrong?

Again, been there done that as a daughter, and watched my daughters make some of these mistakes:

• trying to live up to your mother’s expectations;
• not understanding the societal demands, or life circumstances that frame your mother’s decisions and choices;
• comparing yourself to your mother’s achievements and talents, deciding you aren’t as good as her.

Moms, how do you make the relationship with your daughters strong and successful?

I know that my largest struggle is slipping from the realm of parent into friend. Most of the time this works fine, but push come to shove, my daughters want a parent, not another friend. It is important to keep this line drawn in the sand. As well:

• listen and empathize, but don’t give advice;
• ask questions to help your daughter figure out what she wants to do;
• let your daughter make mistakes, and sort through tough situations;
• take good care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually, giving your daughter positive messages about womanhood;
• make sure your daughter knows how proud you are, offering encouragement and support;
• be honest about mistakes you’ve made, apologize, and make changes so as not to repeat them.

Daughters, how do you make the relationship with your mom strong and successful?

My mother grew up in a very different era than me. Women got married, stayed at home and raised their families. Leaving a bad relationship was rare. Figuring out what helped shaped my mother into who she is went along way to me understanding her decisions. And, asking me why I made the life decisions I did when they were growing up, helped my daughters immensely. You can also:

• shift the relationship pattern from little girl to independent adult;
• pay attention to the intention of your mother’s choices;
• figure out what your ideal relationship with your mother looks like, and take actions to create that;
• value your mother’s opinions, but make it clear that the decisions will be made by you alone.

Ladies, what can you both do to make your relationship strong and successful?

As in any relationship, it takes two:

• break old patterns of communication;
• start mother/daughter traditions;
• focus on the positive in the relationship;
• take a break from each other, then come back refreshed;
• consider family therapy for deep rooted problems.

I know my relationship with my mother will change as she ages, and I take over more of the role of family matriarch. I will make sure my mother knows that even though she is no longer physically capable of certain things, her participation and input is greatly valued.

I also enjoy watching my daughters become stronger and more independent, and I try to give them the space they need to do that. One day, they may become mothers themselves, and our relationship will evolve even more. And hopefully the bond we share will perpetuate itself in the bond they form with their own daughters.

Suggested reading:

Mother Dauther Relationships
Mending mother-daughter relationships
Improving mother-daughter relationships

Your turn:

• If you have mended broken fences, either as a mother or a daughter, what helped you do that?
• Is your relationship with your daughter(s) different than your relationship with your mother?

I knew I would miss my daughter, but did not anticipate falling into the grief associated with an Empty Nest. After all, I was well established in my career, was physically active and healthy, and had several hobbies that I enjoyed alone and with friends.

Yet, when I came out the other side, I realized that having children in the home provided structure and companionship. And, sadly in my case, they provided a diversion from having to examine an unhealthy relationship with my partner.

Is some sadness normal?

• Yes, it is normal to feel some sadness and loss when the last child leaves home.

So, what isn’t normal?

• To feel a loss of identify and drop in self esteem.
• To cry excessively
• To suffer profound sadness

How do I get beyond Empty Nest Syndrome?

• Transition your relationship with your child to more of a friendship and mentorship
• Write a list of what activities you have been putting off, and start actioning them
• Talk to friends and family members who have also experience Empty Nest Syndrome

What if I find I no longer have anything in common with my spouse or partner?

• Honestly examine the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship
• Seek couples counselling
• Acknowledge that the relationship may no longer be right for either of you

Is there life after Empty Nest Syndrome?

You bet there is! For me, it meant leaving an unhealthy relationship, and finally discovering who I am really am. But I realize that’s an extreme result.

It can also mean

• A stronger and sexier relationship with your partner
• Time to explore new hobbies and career options
• Reduced utility bills
• More money for travel
• A new and exciting relationship with your children.

While that foggy feeling of Empty Nest Syndrome is not the least bit pleasant, remember that it is a temporary condition. While your child is off discovering a new independence and sense of freedom, now is the time to discover yours.

Suggested reading

Empty-nest syndrome
The Empty Nest Syndrome in Your Marriage
Psychology Today’s Diagnosis Dictionary: Empty Nest Syndrome

Your turn

• Have you experienced, or are in the middle experiencing, Empty Nest Syndrome?
• What tips can you share to help other people through this period of life?
• What are some of the advantages of all your children leaving the nest?