Book review: I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway
I believe I can sum up Tracy McMillan’s book I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway in one word.
Gritty.
grit·ty
1. consisting of, containing, or resembling grit; sandy.
2. resolute and courageous; plucky
Yep, definitely gritty.
In a very good way, I might add!
Resembling grit
You know when you are walking along the beach and you get sand in your shoes? And the walk along the beach is extremely pleasurable, but the sandy grit in your shoes is a bit painful? That’s exactly what it felt like reading this book.
Extremely pleasurable because it is a well told and written story, and I didn’t want to put it down. A bit painful because Tracy was hitting just a little too close to home.
Not because my dad is a convicted pimp and drug dealer. Tracy’s dad is.
Not because my mom is a former prostitute. Tracy’s mom is.
Not because I have lived in foster homes. Tracy has.
Because Tracy all too well writes about what it is like to doubt being a desirable woman, worthy of a strong stable loving relationship. This I could relate to!
Regardless of childhood and upbringing, I am sure it is something we all struggle with as women at some point in our lives.
Resolute and courageous
Did I mention Tracy’s dad was convicted drug dealer and pimp, her mom was a former prostitute, and life consisted of foster care?
Sounds like the perfect recipe for an Oh Poor Victimized Me story.
Instead, what we get is an honest assessment of Tracy’s life with no trace of lingering bitterness. I say ‘lingering’ because she takes us through each emotion felt during the various stages of her life. Bitterness. Outrage. Anger. Grief. Fear. But it is very clear Tracy is simply reliving those emotions for us, not still trapped by them.
There is a very fine line between blaming someone for your undesirable behaviours, such as drug and alcohol abuse, and explaining your behaviours in terms of other people’s influence on your choices. It is all too easy to slip into absolving oneself of accountability over one’s actions.
However, Tracy takes a very interesting approach. Each chapter juxtaposes the events of her upbringing against the development of a more recent day relationship. In this way, we see how her past experiences led to her current choices. As do our own past experiences! But, there isn’t a trace of sensationalism or dramatizing to be found.
Instead, we see how one woman resolutely and courageously works her way through the pain and disappoints of childhood to become a strong, whole and healthy woman.
I would love to hear your thoughts
I summed up Tracy’s life story with the word gritty. If you were to write your life story, what one word would you use to sum it up?
More information!
Make sure you return on August 11, 2010, to win a copy of I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway.
You can follow Tracy McMillan on Twitter at http://twitter.com/TracyMcMillan
This book review was sponsored by TLC Book Tours. To read more reviews of I Love You And I’m Leaving You Anyway, please check out the schedule by clicking here.
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Interview: author Gina Barreca
Loved Gina Barreca’s book It’s Not That I’m Bitter … ! Gina is my kind of woman. No sugar coating the vagaries of life; just cut right to the chase. So, I knew I could ask her about why we insist on beating ourselves up as women, or selling ourselves short, and she would earthy hard hitting answers.
Eliza asked:
I would like to explore this statement in your book in which you extol us to not create Girly Rules: you are getting what you need by the privilege of your sex rather than the right of your humanity. I remember being in university with a brilliant young woman. Super intelligent, but whenever we were in the presence of men she turned into this doe-eyed weaker sex creature. I was astounded, and horrified, with the transformation. Mind you, she got the dates and I didn’t. But I was me no matter what situation I was in. Far less exhausting that way!
I think it is important to acknowledge and celebrate fundamental differences between men and women, but when it comes down to it, our humanity should get us what we need, not our gender. Supposedly we have come so far, baby, but do you think we really have?
Gina answered:
We have not come as far as we need, darling, and part of the reason is because women continue to believe that it is somehow easier to snag privileges instead of insist on rights. What young women especially don’t understand–and perhaps it’s impossible for us to ever communicate to those under 35–is that every woman at some point in her life has been the ingenue or could have been. She is the young woman who, perhaps even without knowing it, manipulates her youthful attractions to her advantage, receiving attention because she is adorable and yet believing that the attention she receives is given to her because she is brilliant/witty/clever/sensitive/one of the boys.
No woman is one of the boys. That’s one of the hardest things to learn and you don’t learn it until you give up the idea that you’re Elizabeth Bennet’s soulmate or that you have sprung Athena-like from your father’s head with no help from your mother.
It’s interesting to realize how ubiquitous it is for smart women to think they are their fathers’ daughters and how little credit they give to the influence of their mothers or to the influence offered by any other women in their lives. Only by acknowledging the significance of the adult female in our own lives can adult women get on with the process of really growing up and accepting, with gratitude and generosity to ourselves and others, our lives as women.
The doe-eyed, brilliant, young women we encounter may have gotten the dates and may still, but this doesn’t last for long. It’s like the fact that going to a good university helps get you your first job; after that, you’re more or less on your own.
Eliza asked:
You have a chapter devoted to being the Second Wife. I suffered serious Second Wife Syndrome for the first year I was with Mr. Very Right. Every time she called, or otherwise reminded me she existed, I would suffer the most irrational jealousy. Kudos to my extremely patient man! As you point out, he picked me. Eventually, I was able to relax, but seriously, Gina, why do you think we Second Wives insist on questioning our worth? Oh, um, or is that just me?
Gina answered:
Of course we question ourselves when we marry a man who has been married before. There are times when marrying a man who has been married before seems to have all the problems of investing in a timeshare with none of the benefits: you have to deal with complicated schedules, with matters of ownership, with questions of taste. And we should also be aware of the fact that any man who’s more than 17 is probably going to appear as the demonic ex-boyfriend/ex-husband to some other woman on the planet, even as we think of him as Mr. Right, Mr. Very Right, or Mr. Suitable Enough for this Occasion.
I think that Second Wives question whether we have a right to be happy in our relationship when another woman clearly wasn’t. But that’s like looking at some fabulous pair of shoes that you see on sale, perfect and in our size, and wondering why no one else has bought them yet. It’s probably the origin of the whole Cinderella myth. Just because this guy hurt other people, just like the shoes might have hurt other people, doesn’t mean he’s going to hurt you. In other words, don’t walk a mile in her shoes. Walk happily into the sunset in your own.
Eliza asked:
First of all a huge THANK YOU! I will take Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia any day over whats-her-name … Padmé. As a matter of fact, the whole sucky bad boy/long suffering girlfriend story line meant that I watched exactly 1.75 out of the 3.0 movies. And don’t get me started on Twilight (although admittedly I only managed 1 movie, so can’t say if the boy/girl storyline got any better). Okay, now that we know my views on simpering heroines *smile*… in your opinion why oh why are young women of today buying into these characters?
Gina answered:
Don’t get me started on Twilight. This post that I did for Psychology Today explains everything and more: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/snow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore/200911/why-middle-aged-woman-loathes-twilight-encore.
(Eliza’s note: please do hop over to this post. Of course, I agreed with every word. Yep, I do like Gina.)
Would love to hear your thoughts?
Who is your favourite female movie heroine? And why?
More information!
Gina Barreca can be found at Untamed & Unabashed .
If you haven’t already done so, you can read my review of It’s Not That I’m Bitter … by clicking here
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Someone You Love Has Anxiety—How You Can Help
In my post You aren’t crazy, you just have menopause anxiety , I talk about the need to communicate what is happening to you during an attack with your loved ones. Silver & Grace guest post author, Jill Green, expands on this with an entire list of advice for loved ones of anxiety sufferers.
If you love someone who suffers from severe anxiety or panic attacks, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. You know they are in a lot of pain and struggle with aspects of life that you don’t quite understand. You want to help, but maybe you don’t know how to approach the situation. Here are 10 tips to help a loved one with anxiety.
1. Educate yourself. You want to learn as much as you can about panic attacks. There is a lot of helpful, free information available on the internet, and the more educated you are, the more supportive you can be for your family member. Two trusted and abundant sources of information are the National Institute of Mental Health (nih.gov) and the Mayo Clinic (mayoclinic.com).
2. Support them by being a good listener. Sometimes your loved one will need a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent their frustrations to, especially after a severe panic attack or while going through an anxiety provoking situation.
3. Assure them. Tell them it’s not their fault they have anxiety. They are not weak, worthless, or mentally ill. Let them know you believe in them and have every confidence that they can get better.
4. Be patient with them. Anxiety doesn’t just happen overnight, and anxiety treatment can take time as well.
5. Get help. Anxious people are often ashamed of their feelings, but keeping it a secret is not healthy. Encourage your loved one to talk to a doctor or therapist or try an anxiety self help program. For a list of recommended anxiety self help programs, click here.
6. Help yourself. Helping your loved one can take its toll on you and zap your energy. It is crucial that you remember to take good care of yourself with adequate rest, nutrition, and taking time out to do things you enjoy. Don’t let your loved one’s anxiety overtake your life.
7. Advocate for them. Put yourself in their shoes, try to learn what having anxiety really feels like, and appreciate the stigma of mental illness they are faced with out in the world.
8. Vent your frustrations appropriately. It’s okay and perfectly normal to feel upset, angry, frustrated. These are valid feelings in response to a very trying situation. Join a support group like families anonymous or an internet forum where you can vent your feelings to others who are in similar situations.
9. Don’t take it personally. Remember that an anxious person’s behavior is not indicative of who they really are. The anxious person has impaired social skills. If they are irritable or withdrawn, it’s because they feel bad about their anxiety. Remember it’s not about you, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
10. Love them unconditionally. When they truly know you care, this is the best medicine of all.
Keep these tips in mind when you want to help a loved one with anxiety. As your loved one begins to get their anxiety under control, you can be their biggest champion. If you care about someone with anxiety, these are great ways to help.
More information
Jill Green is a 40 something, mom, wife, and recovering anxious person who no longer lives in fear of her next panic attack. To learn more, or to start your own recovery from anxiety and panic today, visit her anxiety self help blog.
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Divorcing after 40
Last week I posted an awesome list, by Dr. Gina Barreca, on how to keep a good marriage good. But, what happens if our marriage is not good? None of us enter marriage with the plan to end it, but for many reasons a divorce is sometimes the best for our mental, spiritual, and sometimes physical health.
Into our forties and fifties, we tend to do an assessment on all aspects of our lives, including our relationships. Silver & Grace guest post author, Nicola Baume, offers up sensitive words of advice on later in life divorces.
My mother once told me that she loved turning 50 because finally she really didn’t care what other people thought of her. As long as she lived her life to her own principles and ethics then everyone else could like it or lump it.
She came from a different generation to me. I turn 50 this year, yet I feel I have been living this way for nearly the last decade. Maybe 40 is the new 50 for my generation.
Many women are reaching their 40’s and reassessing their lives, the decisions they have made and the concessions they have lived with. Children are grown or able to fend for themselves, relationships are not satisfying and the future is not looking how they wanted it.
Women may have put everything on hold to raise children and be a home maker, but many look to the future and think, NO, I can’t continue like this because I’m getting lost in the role of mother, wife or career woman. It seems to be crunch time and often leaving an unhappy marriage is the first step that is taken to reclaim the individuality that is craved.
Around 40 women may go outside their usual life to study, work, create or help in a bid to find the spark they are missing in their life. Many women have a loving spouse who will support them in their bid to reevaluate and change and broaden themselves, but not all. For some women, it is their relationship that feels like the weight that cannot be shifted.
Divorce is more often than not instigated by the woman and frequently the poor man doesn’t really understand the reasons.
Divorce after 40 can be terrifying when finances run low, anger spills over into the legal proceedings, children are affected, and you simply do not know where to turn to make things better.
Even though women still tend to be the ones that do not recover financially, whether because of bad financial decisions or not being able to earn enough money, they will still be glad to be out of their marriage. It matters more that they are able to feel they are an individual entity with full control over their decisions than financially better off.
Many women thrive after a late divorce, they become the person they want to be, putting time into the things that interest them and give them pleasure. Countless women discover the joys of working and career after their divorce, becoming valued members of society for contributing in a way they had not before.
There is another group of women that go through divorce after 40 from a totally different stand point and these are the women who do not choose the separation. This group of women may have a much more difficult time getting through the divorce process as they did like what they saw in their vision of the future and had no intention of not following the path they had set.
Needless to say, it is more difficult for this group but by and large most women get through stronger and able to make for themselves a happy, fulfilling life with or without the addition of a new partner.
Divorce after 40, whether chosen or not, is just another twist on life’s pathway. It is a transition into a new phase and it is what women make of this phase that makes their life happier or not.
More information
Nicola Baume is a divorce planner and coach helping people get through marriage breakdown so they can move on into their happily ever after with confidence. You can read more from Nicola at http://www.simpledivorceadvice.com
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Book review: It’s Not That I’m Bitter …
I love to laugh. As a matter of fact, people at work say they know where to find me by following the sound of my laughter.
I love, therefore, people who make me laugh, and one of the great things about reviewing books is finding new funny authors.
E, author of Shmirshky, is very funny.
Barbara Barth, author of The Unfaithful Widow, is very funny.
And now I have found my new funny author, Gina Barreca, with her book It’s Not That I’m Bitter … Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Visible Panty Lines and Conquered the World.
Reading It’s Not That I’m Bitter … is like watching a stand up comedy routine, without being subjected to the inevitable annoying heckler in the audience. Unless you count my Siamese if I happen to be reading during his treat time.
The great thing about stand up comics is that they are simply stating facts about everyday life. They just happen to point out what nobody else is willing to, or they put a fantastic spin on the facts.
Gina Barreca has this down to a science when it comes to the daily life of the us over forty gals.
Take bathing suit shopping. Her description of women attempting to purchase bathing suits is brilliant, but I really laughed out loud at this part:
No man – no straight man in Western civilization, that is – has ever tried on a bathing suit. Men wear the bathing suit their mothers bought them when they were seventeen until there’s a hole where they put their keys, and then they walk into some cheap store, find the sale bin, find a suit, hold it up, say, “it’s blue; it’ll fit,” and then they leave.
It’s true! Name me a man — straight man in Western civilization — that tries on a bathing suit before buying it!
It’s Not That I’m Bitter … is full of obvious, yet funny, facts like this. From bathing suit shopping, to gift giving, to feminism, Gina covers it all.
But, just as I was getting really comfortable and thinking It’s Not That I’m Bitter is a laugh a minute, I find a few poignant moments. Like what it is to love a man who is not available to freely love you back.
Then … right back to laughter.
And like any good comedian, Gina’s stories are really to make us stop and think about issues. As she explains at the being of the book, her ‘role is to notice patterns of foolishness in our collective human behaviour and to chronicle them.’
I say she did an excellent good job.
More information!
Make sure you come back on July 15, 2010, to enter to win a copy of Gina Barreca’s It’s Not That I’m Bitter …
You can find out more about Gina and her book at Untamed & Unabashed
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Five Ways to Keep Good Marriages Good
By the time I was finished reading this list of how to keep good marriages good, by guest post author Dr. Gina Barreca, I was literally cheering out loud.
“Hear! Hear!” I was shouting.
I absolutely agree with, and thankfully follow, all five pieces of advice. I am particularly fond of numbers 3 and 5. They make my life with Mr. Very Right truly bliss filled.
Five Ways to Keep Good Marriages Good:
1. Learn When to Shut Up
Yes, this is rather different from what a trained counselor or therapist might tell you, and yet I believe it is the single most important thing I’ve learned in 18 years of a good marriage (and what I had not learned in 5 years of a bad one). There are times to let the argument rest; there are times to let the big issue take a deep breath and relax.
I know, I know: as a woman, I’m supposed to want to flog the argument until no one is left standing, but I’ve learned that the tactic is ineffective. Now, this doesn’t mean you should ignore emotional pain or live a lie, etc.. But it does mean that you should NOT treat your marriage like a chew toy, something you sink your teeth into every time you get bored, frustrated, or need to sharpen your fangs. It might be better for everybody to go out for a nice walk.
2. Learn to Accept Differences in Expenditure-As Long As You are Not In Debt. If You’re IN Debt, Get Out of It Now.
Your partner has just bought his eighth bicycle helmet? If it makes him happy, if he can afford it, and if you have room in your basement to store it, then let it go. So what if he never actually rides his bike? Maybe this helmet will make him feel like he should be out there getting some exercise.
Your spouse just bought a new set of dishes even though the old set was-with a few chipped and cracked exceptions-perfectly fine (not to mention that if they were good enough for your mother, shouldn’t they be good enough for you?). Give the old dishes to a charity shop and enjoy the first meal served on the new ones.
If, however, either or both of you are in debt, you should sell the helmets, the bikes, and, if necessarily, eat food you grow in your garden off paper plates because you’ve also sold the dishes. Real debt and serious money worries can corrode a relationship, even one with genuine strength behind it, quicker than almost anything else.
3. Go To Bed At The Same Time And With Each Other.
There’s a reason you married this person: to sleep with this person. Everybody else in your life-your friends, your family, your co-workers, your kids, your neighbors, your on-line friends, the members of your book group, et al-you can talk to, have lunch, dinner, drinks with, go to the movies with, chat virtually with, watch TV. with, when you’d like. The one thing distinguishing a marriage is that the individuals go to sleep with each other and wake up with each other.
That’s the difference, for example, between an affair and a marriage. It’s also what makes affairs heartbreaking: in an affair, you don’t get the primal, unparalleled intimacy of going to sleep in the same bed every night with the person you’ve also chosen to spend the rest of your nights sleeping next to-and that’s a BIG difference. Unless you’re doing shift work to pay off your debts (see #2, above) don’t forfeit this privilege.
4. Don’t Say Mean Things About Your Spouse to Your Friends.
Okay, you’re going to when you’re in the middle of a terrible time (and even the best marriages have terrible times) but it should not be a habit, a staple of your conversation, or something you do to more than one really, really trusted friend at a time.
People who say rotten things about their mates on a regular basis are untrustworthy. You’re disloyal. Everybody picks up on that.
5. Laugh Out Loud Together At Least Once A Day– Preferably Three Times A Day.
I am serious about laughter: laughing together is as close as you get to another person without actually sitting on his or her lap, and it is important to do it with your loved ones as often as possible.
Happy couples are happy people who bring it home. Laughing together is sexy, celebratory, intimate, and fun-it’s the very definition of what makes a marriage happy.
More information
Make sure you come back on July 13, 2010, when I review Gina’s wonderful book It’s Not That I’m Bitter. Oh, and on July 15th when I give a copy of the book away!
Here’s a teaser:
Gina can be found at Untamed & Unabased…
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Interview: Barbara Barth author of The Unfaithful Widow
I loved reading Barbara Barth’s The Unfaithful Widow. Barbara lost a husband just as she was turning sixty. The book chronicles the first year after her husband died.
To find out more about the book, you can check out my book review by clicking here. However, I want to talk about Barbara!
Since my review, Barbara and I have been kibitzing back and forth. The honesty I encountered in her book is the honesty I find in these interactions. So, I knew that I could ask Barbara some pretty ‘out there’ questions on behalf of the Silver & Grace community and get back some very honest answers.
True to form, that is exactly what Barbara gave me.
Eliza asked:
You started dating shortly after the death of your husband. I remember when a family member started dating shortly after the death of his beloved wife there were rumblings of shock. I think it is a testament to how good the marriage was. What are your thoughts on this?
Barbara answered:
I started dating three months after my husband died. My circumstances were very simple. I did not have children. I did not have a job. I had no place to be. Dating was a way for me to get dressed and to get out at night. I liked the e-mails and anticipation of dating more than the actual date. But no matter how or why, it was dating and I was very fortunate that my family and friends did not pass judgment on my choices. They were supportive of me. I think my mother was thrilled I didn’t just curl up on the couch and wither away.
I didn’t feel insecure with myself, more shocked at the oddity of the men I met, and I owe that to the fact I was happy and in love with my husband. I do believe that a healthy marriage is a good foundation to build a new life. I didn’t have to worry about how we were all those years, just how was I going to be on my own. I did have a very bad date put a time frame of one year and one day as the proper amount of time that showed respect. I wrote about him in The Widow Rule.
At a time of loss you have to find your own way and to have your family and friends give you that freedom is a gift.
Eliza asked:
You are in your sixties and you love sex. *gasp* In your book, you even describe a friend with whom you have sex, with no expectation from either of you that the friendship will deepen into more than that. *double gasp*
Seriously, though, good on you. Do you find that it is more acceptable now to openly talk about sex for the sake of enjoying sex, or do we still need to sugar coat it with talk of love and intimacy to make it acceptable?
Barbara answered:
Is this where I become the poster widow for friends with benefits? This question made me smile and then *gasp*. Just how to answer a question that has never been a question for me?
In the years before I met my husband the only issue my generation had was pregnancy, as in how not to get pregnant if you were having sex. All the health issues out there today were not yet a factor in my dark ages of dating. Then I had twenty-five years with one man where sex was as normal as any other activity I did.
It was actually a shock when I realized I no longer had a sex partner. How do you handle that? I don’t believe in casual sex, yet I certainly did not want to go without sex.
I bring sex into my book in a playful way to show women you can have sex, enjoy it and come away feeling empowered and good about yourself. I think being realistic about what you are doing is much healthier than trying to sugar coat it as something it isn’t. That can only lead to problems and heartache.
I think the best way to live life is to be honest with yourself and do what is comfortable for you. I am an advocate that you need to be aware of the health issues involved with unprotected sex and cover your bases so to speak if you are having sex.
I was in a lecture the other day where the teacher was talking about writing about sex in fiction. His advice was to keep it in line with how your characters would act or else it won’t seem natural and you could look foolish. The teacher was someone I knew and after class I went up to tell him how much I enjoyed his session. I then added, “You know, you made me realize I wrote about the sex in my book exactly as you said…. of course, then I added in the dog.”
He gave me a funny look, but I know he went to buy a copy of my book the next day.
Which I believe leads me to the next question.
Eliza asked:
When I realized how bad a former relationship was that I was in, I went out and got a kitten. Then when I left that relationship, and moved out on my own, I got another kitten. Your dogs are very much a part of your life. In your book, you talk about how your rescue dogs helped rescue you. Can you expand on how having pets helps in the healing process?
Barbara answered:
I love dogs. Animals have always been a part of my life. I can’t imagine not having one. I never imagined having six.
My dogs make every day a Disney movie. When I come home at night there is a riot of activity that gives energy to my house. It is no longer quiet. I have six dogs jumping on me, rolling over each other, trying to get my attention. How can you not laugh and find happiness with a madcap scene like that?
My book ends with a PS where my fourth dog is introduced. Within a few months I added numbers five and six to the pack. Each dog brings something new to the household.
The first rescue dog to come home with me was Bray, an Afghan mix. Troubled and untrusting he has finally come out of his shell. Watching him blossom taught me that fear can be overcome with love and patience.
Annabelle, the matronly hound dog was finally that lap dog I wanted. She crawled in bed with me the first night and as I put my arm around her and kissed the top of her head I was gleeful I finally found my answer for a bedmate. I had the best night’s sleep in a year that night.
Having one dog you see how the dog interacts with you. When you start adding dogs it is amazing to see the social structure they have with each other. I am fortunate my dogs all get along. So there is no trouble, just a big love fest at this household.
The dogs keep me focused on a daily routine where I have none most days. I am still a caregiver around them.
The dogs are a great judge of character and help me weed out the lemons. The last male in this household ran out saying he had a headache. The dogs will screen all my dates from now on. Maybe there will be a guy who thinks I need seven dogs. He will be a keeper.
More information!
If you too want to kibitz with Barbara, please head over to her blog Confessions of the Unfaithful Widow. I know she’ll be pleased to meet you.
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Guys! It Is More than Hot Flashes
Although Silver & Grace is dedicated to women over forty, I truly believe in getting a balanced perspective on this stage of life. To that end, I invited Vonzel Sawyer to provide his view on menopause.
Vonzel rose to the challenge, and what follows is incredible advice for the men in our lives.
Ladies, I highly recommend you point your husbands to this article. … or print it off and just happen to have it lying around in a conspicuous place *smile*
As a woman grows in experience, time, loveliness, wisdom, as she is moving into her second wind, a milestone is reached. It is as significant in her life, and as remarkable as the onset of puberty.
Yes. You guessed it. This is about menopause.
Now what does this have to do with the guys?
There are times when a man looks back on a relationship and finds missed opportunities to make quantum leaps to impress his wife as a man. Well this is a new day and a new opportunity! Let’s take a trip and learn what happens during this time; then how to use your ability to positively influence the outcome.
Start out with the 3 Never’s:
- Never ever under any circumstances panic
- Never ever fake what you don’t know
- Never ever forget this is your wife’s first time too
So what is this menopause all about? “…-what many women refer to as the “change of life” that signals the end of a woman’s reproductive years” (http://www.womenshealth.gov/borders/womenshealth , article Understanding Menopause, paragraph 1).
As a man that wants to maintain his relationship and enhance it during this transition the saying is true, “to be forewarned is to be forearmed”. While you cannot control the internal changes you can decide how to respond to the symptoms when you know what they are.
Here is a list:
- Irregular vaginal bleeding, abnormal bleeding, unpredictable, excessive bleeding
- Hot flashes & night sweats; a feeling of warmth that spreads over the body
- Vaginal symptoms vaginal dryness, itching, or irritation and/or pain with sexual intercourse
- Urinary symptoms tissues of the vagina becomes drier, thinner, and less elastic; a sudden urge to urinate may occur during straining, coughing, or laughing
- Emotional and cognitive symptoms of fatigue, memory problems, irritability, and rapid changes in mood
- Body weight gain is not common but possible
- Skin Texture acne, wrinkles
- Sexual motivation decrease in desire for sexual intercourse
This is not an exhaustive list of symptoms. See an awesome article on this site You aren’t crazy, you just have menopause anxiety
So what can you do to make the transition easier and be your ladies hero? Here are a few suggestions:
- Make it easy for her to talk to you about it by not treating her as if there is something “wrong”. Treat this as a transition not a permanent condition
- Be flexible, laugh, cry, let her know you are there for her
- Continue to educate yourself about menopause. Read books, consult medical professionals
- Remember it is not a women issue; it is a relationship issue
- Be understanding but don’t be a fake
- Give her room and don’t smother her, but be observant
- Do let her know she is wanted, needed, and appreciated
- Know that what makes her comfortable one day may be uncomfortable the next
Be aware that there are recommended ways of dealing with symptoms that are out of control and your physician should be consulted. More physicians are becoming knowledgeable in use of natural treatments for systems.
Now you know it is a little more than just “hot flashes”!
More information!
Vonzel Sawyer is a life coach, minister, husband and philosopher (father of five and grandfather of eight) who believe that combining wisdom with practical application allows a person to be both maxamized and magnified. When combined this becomes the power of what Vonzel calls a Maxafication-ized life.
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Blog carnival
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Book review: The Girls from Ames
The Girls from Ames, by Jeffrey Zaslow. The sub-title is A Story of Women & a Forty-Year Friendship. A perfect book for Silver & Grace. Right gender, right age group, right values. A book I was happy to review.
Then I found out it was eleven women. That’s right eleven women! Oh dear, I thought. I am not going to be able to relate to this. As I point out in my post The importance of female friendships, I am really not a sista type of gal.
But I endevour to be open-minded in my book reviews and dove in to see what I could find.
Getting to know the girls
First, I found photographs. I love photographs. Ask anyone who friends me on Facebook. The first thing I do is go and stalk every single one of their photo albums.
Photographs of the girls when they were little. Photographs of them in highschool. As young women. And now.
Okay, we are off to a good start. I already feel like I know these women, because I have a visual.
Hey, this is my life!
Next, they are all my age. As in born the same year as me, give or take one side of that year or the other. I got every single one of the pop culture references. It was like walking through my own life. Music, hair, clothes, food, movies. It was all there.
Now I have a visual AND I’m feeling at home.
Finally, I realized it didn’t matter that it was a story about eleven female friends, it was equally relevant to just two or three in a friendship. The support, the laughs, the tears, and even the cruelties described are universal amongst friends.
Huge kudos
Kudos to these women who laid their lives bare. Not so much to the world, but to each other. They took a huge risk allowing the author, Zaslow, to write about what they were really thinking in various situations. I can just imagine some of the tears that had to have happened. “Why didn’t you tell me that is what you really thought?”
And yet, the proof of their friendship is it survived this minute disection.
And kudos to Zaslow. He entered a world that most men simply just accept as fact while being careful to stay on the periphery.
Enter it and interrupt it. And quite well, actually.
Warning!
I do have two warnings.
At first, I found the flow of the story a bit disjointed. But then I had a good chuckle to myself recognizing that Zaslow wrote the book exactly the way women communicate. We finish each others sentences. We jump to new streams of thoughts with no warning. We return to old streams of thoughts with no warning. And yet, somehow, we know exactly what each other is talking about at all times.
It was probably the only way that made sense to write it. I can just image the poor man’s notes!
Second, this book comes with a serious tears warning. Just so you know, there is an entire chapter dedicated to the illness of a child. However, I do have to say this was my favourite chapter. Here is where the true intricacies of female friendship shone through loud and clear.
If you were born around 1963, you will totally get every word in this book. For the rest of you, it is an incredible telling of the psychology of female friendships.
More information!
A copy of The Girls from Ames will be given away on April 20th. Make sure you come back and enter the contest!
Check out the website for The Girls from Ames HERE.
Meet the girls and see all their photos HERE.
Read an excerpt HERE.
For more TLC Book Tour reviews of the Girls from Ames visit:
Wednesday, April 14th: Simply Stacie
Friday, April 16th: Chaotic Compendiums
Monday, April 19th: Rundpinne
Tuesday, April 20th: Luxury Reading
Wednesday, April 21st: Book Nook Club
Thursday, April 22nd: Suko’s Notebook
Monday, April 26th: Feminist Review
Tuesday, April 27th: Beth’s Book Reviews
Wednesday, April 28th: Bookworm with a View
Thursday, April 29th: She Reads and Reads
Friday, April 30th: Book Blab
Monday, May 3rd: Cafe of Dreams
Tuesday, May 4th: Janel’s Jumble
Wednesday, May 5th: Anniegirl1138
Thursday, May 6th: Peeking Between the Pages
Monday, May 10th: One Person’s Journey Through a World of Books
Tuesday, May 11th: Life in the Thumb
Wednesday, May 12th: lit*chick
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The importance of female friendships
Synchronicity at work. At the same time I am reading a book to review about life long female friendships, I get the following email from B, a Silver & Grace community member:
I have just two women in my life who “get” me and I know would have my back in any circumstance and I theirs. There is nothing like it. I would not know what to do without these two great women and the strength they have given me in my worst times of need and have returned the favor, as well. These are the women who the men in our lives don’t “get” because they don’t understand. Sisterhood means so much more than blood lines!
There are many studies that point to the health benefits of female friendships. Cancer patients with strong female friendships have a higher survival rate. Having close friendships lowers our blood pressure, heart rate and cholesterol . As well, we are better able to manage stress.
I have to admit, I was not one for sisterhood. Late in high school, I belonged to a gaggle of girls, and we were inseparable for two years. But after graduation, we went our separate ways. I consider one of them my dear friend to this day, but we talk on the phone a couple of times per year, and make the effort to see each other once a year. But we have no idea what goes on in each other’s lives on a daily basis, so we don’t turn to each other when the life gets to us. Another older woman is near and dear to my heart, but again, our interactions are rare.
A group of women at work have been friends forever. They go on vacations together. Their families socialize on a regular basis. And they are each other’s constant comfort and support. I am honoured to be on the fringe of this group, but I have to admit that I would not want to move into the inner circle. I think I would feel claustrophobic.
However, while I might not have lifelong best girlfriends, I have always turned to women when I need to sort something out. Be that parenting, relationships, or career. And now, I am really starting to understand the benefits of sisterhood.
It all has to do with peri-menopause and menopause. Seriously, no man can even begin to discuss mood swings, insomnia and fluctuating libido with anything other than an “Oh my god, my wife has gone insane” response. Women, on the other hand, respond with “Oh, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.”
Going back to B’s email, I like to think that the women currently in my life ‘get’ me. Maybe it’s because I am an open book. What you see is what you get, so people either like me or they don’t. But either way, they don’t have to peel back any layers to see the real me.
As for ‘having my back’, this is interesting. I have a very strong group of very dear male friends I turn to ‘to have my back’. My two brothers, Mr Very Right, and several incredible men I met through work. They have always rallied around me in a time of need, and I would jump through hoops of fire for them. But I can honestly say, there are now women I would turn to, and I hope they would turn to me. And I will even go as far as to say I would probably turn to them first, before my wonderful boys.
To be honest it is a trust thing. Up until my forties, I didn’t really trust females. Crazy, but true.
In public school and most of high school, I wasn’t very cool, so, my female friends were pretty fickle when it came to friendship. They would hang out with me when no one else was around, but dump me like a hot potato when a boy was involved, or the cool crowd showed up. My adopted sister and I were fiercely competitive on many fronts, and just as we moved beyond this in our early twenties, she died in an accident, so I’ll never know where this might have led. And throughout my thirties, I never fully trusted my partner, suspecting there was another woman involved. Ten years of suspicion were confirmed when an affair with this woman ended our relationship.
But life is different now. I am settled and content, and as I tune into my own gifts as a woman, I recognize those same gifts in other women. And I am passionate about celebrating these gifts of sisterhood.
Silver & Grace is a product of that passion. Thank you, B, for sharing your thoughts and prompting this post. This is what the Silver & Grace sisterhood is all about.
Have your say:
Do you have life long best female friends that you still turn to for support?
Do you find, as I do, that female friendship is becoming even more important as you get older?
Important information
My book review of The Girls From Ames will be posted on April 15. This is a true story of eleven women who have been friends for over thirty years.
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