Why Relationships Last

There is less guesswork and more definitive research today that describes and explains why some relationships survive and others don’t. We know that roughly fifty percent of first marriages fail (that percentage is much higher in certain parts of the country) while other studies report that sixty percent of second and seventy percent of third marriages do not make it. However, the statistics are fuzzy on the percentage of existing relationships that stay together even though both parties are miserable. I would suspect that the number of poor relationships ranks pretty high.

That still leaves a small percentage of folks who got lucky or have figured it out and have managed to sustain great partnerships. Researchers have identified what those qualities are that predict a long and happy life together. Here are the reasons given for why relationships last:

Gratitude

People in lasting relationships know how to say “Thank you.” They look for reasons to acknowledge their partner and see all the good things about them. They appreciate their loved one’s strengths and don’t seem to notice or care about their weaknesses. In many cases, people who fall in love and stay in love have an exaggerated positive opinion of the person they are committed to. They find their characteristics to be charming and endearing while others who view that person might be driven crazy if they had to live with them. People in good relationships see the glass half full.

Affection

Happy couples with successful relationships are affectionate. They treat each other with gestures of love and speak words of endearment. They are never sarcastic or insulting in their interactions. When they talk, they face one another and often touch as they communicate. They can be seen holding hands even after being together for decades. If they are having a conversation where they hold opposing views, they still manage to have a ratio of positive to negative comments to each other of five to one. Showing each other affection is one of the constants in their relationship.

Support

Couples that last are people who support each other’s endeavors. One of them is not looking to take advantage and did not marry the other one to be taken care of. They help each other succeed in their work and in their personal growth. When they are at home they discover how to nurture and take care of each other. They manage to maintain an equal ratio of giving and receiving, when it comes to supporting the health of the relationship and family, though there may be times, (illness, work-related demands, raising young children) when one person needs more help than usual.

Enjoyment

Happy couples enjoy each other and the time they spend together. They have long stretches that feel seamless, without effort or strain, and share some (but not all) mutual hobbies and interests. They most likely share a basic philosophy about life, world views, religious convictions, and a similar sense of humor. They flow along, like a stream, finding it easy to be in each other’s company.

Mirroring

Happy couples like who they see when they look at their partner—and they like the way they look through their partner’s eyes. This positive mirroring behavior floods each one with good feelings. They constantly feed each other with validating remarks, such as, “You are so good at what you do. I don’t know how you do it,” or, “You are such a beautiful person. I am so lucky to be with you.” The result and benefit of this positive mirroring is that they like themselves when they are with this person.

Purpose

As happy couples grow closer, they begin to develop a sense of shared purpose. Their values strengthen, become sharper in focus, and they want to create meaning with their lives. Beyond raising children and taking care of friends and family, they want to reach out together to their community and find a way to contribute that is unique to their talents and interests. Look around you and notice how some couples have helped others through their joint endeavors. They may volunteer at a shelter, establish an educational scholarship fund, adopt a highway to keep it litter-free, teach people to read, volunteer at a Meals-on-Wheels, or even travel to a Third World country to distribute aid. Their contribution reflect the values they base their lives on.

Romance

Couples who stay together are interested in each other. Romance and passion are NOT kept alive by acting and looking sexy, but by being receptive to their partner and knowing them in a deep way. They absorb and appreciate what is essentially fundamental and good in the other and find ways to honor and recognize that goodness. To stay romantic is to stay in tune with your partner’s essence.

In a world that often moves too fast…and in which we have too many demands put on our time and energy, it can be easy to slip into not paying attention to the partnership. But couples that stay together stop the negative forces before they are pulled apart. They reinstate courtship before the problems occur…and that’s why their relationships last.

Tonja Evetts Weimer, author of “Thriving After Divorce: Transforming your life when a relationship ends,” is a Single’s Coach, Life Coach, and syndicated columnist. To receive her free single’s newsletter visit www.tonjaweimer.com.

Silver & Grace Women love to share!

It took me multiple attempts to figure it, but third time is a charm. I can put a check mark beside each of those relationship qualities. How many false starts before you were able to find a lasting relationship?  Tell us in the comment section below.

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